Lived Experience Forum

[Violacorso]

Hi Everyone, 

Just want to dump some mind stuff here, I know some people will relate and hopefully can offer some advice on what has helped them. 

It’s so strange to me. I have been in this place before- the space of feeling nothing and it’s absolutely ruining me this time. I can reflect back when I’m well and I’m in a good space and think, gee, you got through that and things got better, but here I am AGAIN, a lot sooner than usual and for some reason it’s just persisting and really starting to affect me and my partner, just my life in general. I feel NOTHING, apart from obvious built up emotional energy but I can’t release it. Nothing is bringing me joy, happiness, excitement. Nothing is bringing a smile to my face, my hobbies, music, my dog, my partner. I’m just so detached from it all and I’m so over it. 
I just can’t help myself and I am trying so hard to shift this yucky nothingness. I would rather feel anything than nothing to be honest. 

Its just a vicious cycle and it needs to stop!!!! 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Violacorso,

I really sorry to read how you are feeling. It sounds like you are going through a tough time at the moment. 

I don't know if my experience is the same as yours but the feelings you describe are similar to feelings I have had in the past when I was diagnosed with depression. I'm not suggesting this is what is going on with you, I'm just saying that in my case my feelings and emotions were depression. 

That feeling of nothing brings you joy that typically would is not an easy place to be. I remember when I felt like this the first time (I have had about three serious bouts of depression in my life) I was so concerned that I would feel like that forever. For me the first time I felt that way was the hardest as I didn't know what was going on with me and how to stop it. Although the other times I had depression were still incredibly hard I did have the knowledge that I had been through this before and had recovered so I felt more hopeful around feeling strong again.

Do you have a GP you could speak to / feel comfortable to talk to about how you are feeling? I think it's great that you have reached out to our Forums but I would also encourage you (if you feel okay to) to reach out to a doctor or therapist as well as these feelings are a lot to deal with on your own. 

Wishing you all the best,

FloatingFeather 

[Violacorso]

Thanks so much for the reply @FloatingFeather and sharing your experience.
I should have mentioned it’s not depression. I have had a very long history with Psychs, therapy and medications ect. I have just recently gotten back onto ADHD medication and am finding it to be completely ineffective. I was feeling this way before the medication so I feel the medication isn’t contributing to the loss of feelings and emotions.
I have had a lot going on lately. All amazing things like travel and moving states. However I think these massive changes have played a large part of this. I certainly don’t want to come across as ungrateful for these experiences iv had but it’s been very very hard for me.
I am also trying to seek out trauma therapy for the first time to confront my ptsd and move forward.

I guess moving to a new place has been more challenging for me than I realised it would be. I’m not working and I really need to find a job, it’s just really hard at the moment when feeling this way.

[SmilingGecko]

@Violacorso you may possibly have this "anhedonia" which often accompanies some major mental illnesses.

I know of a high profile bipolar advocate in the USA who lives with it in addition to her diagnosis.

Bring it up with your treating clinician and maybe look for some more information about it.  I don't know much about the condition except it covers the symptoms you are describing

https://yourbrain.health/anhedonia/

[Violacorso]

Wow, @SmilingGecko, thank you so much for this reply. I have actually never heard of this or has it been brought to my attention. Interested to read and look into this further. It’s funny that it can correlate with ADHD symptoms and mood disorders. I remember so clearly waaaaaaay back in the day when I was seeking help as a teenager when Headsp*ce was first introduced and when I seen someone there for awhile, she said she thinks it’s definitely a mood disorder but not Biopolar ect. 
Interesting. Thank you!! 

[Violacorso]

Also on that, that’s one thing that led me to a psych at a young age as depression and anxiety medications weren’t benefiting me. I remember the Psych telling me that antidepressants wouldn’t work because I am not depressed. And a lightbulb moment happened within me. 

[Sailor]

My experience may v well be v similar to yours.

My experience of not feeling anything, having no sense of misery, depression, pleasure, humour etc leads me to believe I ,too, have Anhedonia.

After some  research, I began  addressing this issue by ;

*Accepting it (the Anhedonia,)

*Planning a way out , and following through with the plan

*Maintaining good regular sleep and wake routines

*Exercising daily to maintain my body and mind

*Withdrawing from (some) activities that I found stressful 

The benefits (I experience) of this Anhedonia for me are ;

*Stable mood/life

*Not feeling depressed or suicidal

*Opportunity to slow my life down....and please myself in my routine

To conclude, my doctor thinks that  this will soon end. He also agrees with actions I am taking to recover.

(And I have small signs that my health may be improving, that I might be beginning to "feel again")

Hoping this is of help.

Regards and best wishes

Sailor

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums @Sailor !

Thank you for sharing what is working for you. It sounds like I could take on some of those things too!

Appreciated, tyme