I was born in the city but not long after we moved to the country, a few different places but we wound up settling in a remote town a couple hours away from anywhere worthwhile. It was a town where your last name defined your status, we didnt have a name. We werent locals even after 15+ years of living there. It was a very sports orientated area and I was not at all athletic. Footy was king and I couldnt play with any kind of ability at all. I did well at school though, I was what would be certainly considered a nerd. In high school I collected gems and minerals and even won a state award for them.
Justified by my lack of athletisim and nerdiness or not but I was quite heavily bullied. Regular physical assults occurred and I dont think I was ever called by my real name (Malen isnt my real name but a family name all men have), verbal abuse was the norm. I didnt have any friends, I wasnt invited over to kids houses etc. There were a few that didnt participate in the abuse, but to call them friends would really be a stretch.
My parents, primarily my Mum as she was the authority in the house, though she would say it was Dad behind the scenes, anyhow it was a pretty strict house. They were very religious, this is the reason my Dad gives for us moving to the country, it was God who told him to. We grew up in a pentecostal movement, we were all involved as early as possible. Dad played guitar as did I, he preached, Mum sang and for a while my sister ran childrens church. I eventually became missionary secretary and would talk sporatically. It was during this period I made my lifelong friend. We have been friends now for over 30 years but as kids we would only see each other on some Sundays and occasionally during the week as he lived over an hour away in a different state.
When I finished school, I went and worked in a school in a nearby town. I was there for a bit over a year and then funding dried up. I went back to what I knew which was potatoes. During my school holidays, thats what I did, with my Mum and sister. So it was a natural movement to go back to that. Eventually though I wanted more and I ended up moving to a large town about an hours drive away, rather than getting a decent job and starting a career of some sort I made some friends who introduced me to alcohol and drugs.
My parents found out what was happening and along with the parents of a guy I knew came with trailers and collected us. I was brought back home and after a very turbulent period I stopped drinking and doing drugs. I didnt abstain from drinking altogether, which my parents were fine with, but it was an occasional thing.
I started working here and there and landed in a animal feed manufacturing plant. It was horrible, it stank and the smell permiated everything. When I sold my car the new owner gave it a deep clean and found that the dust and smell had infused with the wood in the car. I hated it, it was low paying but it was all I could get.
Eventually I moved out again, this time to the city, 2 hours from home. This time I did manage to secure a reasonable job and eventually I started my own business. I got back into the church scene again and eventually made it to Elder. My life revolved around church and I had "good" friends but little time for my parents, this was an issue. I went from my job and business to working for a Big 4 bank in collections and changed roles a number of times ending up doing what I do now which is dealing primarily with Bankruptcies. Ive been there close to 15 years now.
There were some issues with the whole church thing and I parted ways, suprisingly my "friends" chose not to remain in contact. That said my life long friend who the church had issue with (he was practicing wiccan) remained my friend during my time in the Church and after and still to this day.
About 10 years ago my world came to an abrupt halt. I was doing well at work, getting promotions etc. Life was pretty good and BAM I started hearing things for the first time in my life. Then I saw something and I went to bed like normal, ignoring everything. I thought I was losing my mind, I would be an outcast from society all together but I woke up and I couldnt, I couldnt do anything. I sat on the edge of my bed and stared into space for I dont know how long. Somehow I managed to call my Dad and asked him to take me to hospital, I didnt know what was wrong but I needed help.
Turns out I had a brief psychotic episode and after a few movements I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a month. While I was in hospital, my parents emptied my apartment and moved me into one of their rental homes nearer to where they lived. I really didnt care, I was on so many medications and the dose was incredibly high, I really lost around 2 years of my life. My parents didnt understand the impact the medication had on me and I was struggling to maintain bills and my rent. I just had no concept, if I could say the medication and the dose anyone who has been on it would understand how I was on the dose I was on. After I left hospital, my Psychiatrist at the time diagnosed me with Bipolar 2 with Psychotic Features, in addition to a few anxiety disorders and depression. Over the years a number of anxiety disorders have been diagnosed along with OCD. I did Exposure Response Prevention therapy for the OCD, for the most part its controlled by that now, a few traits remain but its pretty much managable
Eventually, they moved me into my sisters place along with them. Somehow helping me manage my funds wasnt an option, taking control was. I was still on the meds that were messing me up so I have little clue what went on there too. I did eventually and gradually reduce the medication and after a couple years I returned to work. The family also moved into a bigger place and I became somewhat more functional.
We now live in a rural location. We are on 3 acres, got 3 golden retrievers, a groodle, a goat, a dorpa, some roosters and chickens. The house is quite large but kinda old. Its a weird set up, the master suite has a large ensuite which has been turned into ensuite come kitchenette as Mum lives there and rarely comes out her room. She has an acquired brain injury and is in heart failure, she has lost a lot of muscle mass so walking is an issue. She refuses to excersise or do anything to improve her situation, she is convinced this is all she has now.
My Dad has a room with a desk where he does the finances etc. He and Mum are seperated under main roof which is difficult to say the least. They argue about just about everything. Mum was annoyed with my Dad the other day because he bought some plants and didnt ask Mum where she wanted them. Keep in mind 3 acres and its been I dont know how long since she has seen the back yard and the only reason she sees the front yard is when an ambulance is taking her to hospital, a reasonably regular occurance as her legs retain fluid and it ends up on her lungs
My sister has a reasonably large room, I think it was the old main room. She seems to be forever "renovating" her room, redoing her wardrobe etc. which means that most her room ends up in the lounge. Most the time she has stuff spread through out the house. It drives me and Dad up the wall. The dining room table is split between her and I, she has her stuff on one side while I have my tablets (3) etc on the other side as I dont have a personal office space. I have a work office space though as I work from home, I have a medical exemption to working in the office.
My room is mid sized. I got my bed etc it is set up for sleep alone. I have difficulty sleeping so I do what I can to ensure sleep hygine. My room is colder than the rest of the house, 1/2 the time my window is open to lower the temp.
I cant see myself moving out of home again, I dont think I could manage. Financially I wouldnt be able to do it. Medical costs and a few bad decisions that I relate to my Bipolar has me significantly in the hole. My life basically revolves around my medical needs and work. I work to pay to be able to work, which is very dishearting. Support from my family is pretty non-existant for the most part, my sister used to be my biggest support but well, she needs that now. Understanding is definately non-existant, my sister supported me but didnt understand me, didnt appreciate what it was I was dealing with either mentally or physically.
When life is like that you either give up or you become very reliant on yourself. I have at times struggled as you would all know, but I do also rely on myself to keep me going. When you dont have cheerleaders, cheer yourself on.
I honestly dont know if life will get better, if I will continue to have medical issues, Im sure I will have mental ones, but will they improve, will I find better ways to manage them. I can only hope thats the case.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN