Lived Experience Forum

[tonys]

@BPDSurvivor im ok mate but thanks for concern.  it gets busy here and theres always the odd neighbour problem.  but mostly people get mentally tired .  i sleep for half an hour and then im recharged again... get anxious at times .  overloaded,  but who doesnt.  too busy to get depressed.  cant be perky  24/7. even comedians run out of new material... also have days  where i cant look at computor.  picking, feeding  fixing tractor.. etc.. then theres the odd 'me day'.   movies mtv or poke fire cat and rabbit...and enjoy the rain on the window..   hope you are in good spirits.  a favourable wind in your sails.   tonys  moon base one.

[maddison]

Hi @tonys 

It was good to "share a cuppa" with you. I was reading your reply now & my heart skipped a beat. I don't know how to convey the extraordinary coincidences occurring, for me anyway. It's difficult to put in to words in a way without sounding boring!

SANE is my first experience of online socialising. I am a little like you in your first posts, where I'm not properly built for 'mysterious interactions.' My mind makes up fuzzy images of people, I can see some people more clearly than others. I think my brain is trying to compensate the discomfort it feels.

Technology is still new. Human minds are not adapted to communicate this way. The kids growing up today might be worlds away from the us, the last generation to know life without computers.

It's an unusual thought to think that other members have fuzzy images of me in their brain!

It totally warps the reality of the things.

And yet, here I am, noticing a remarkable coincidence, that to me personally, is significant. I also had another common event with another member before reading your letter. 

It's fascinating that things that mean so little, mean so much.

I have 3 fat cats!

[tonys]

@maddison hello mr maddison.  the fuzzy images you speak off.  the gaseous nebula in your mind. the birth place of stars. thanks to the gods its different for all.  the friction between these differences heats the boiling pot of debate from which arises a  commonality,  and unlike the hive mind allows us the choice of perception.  i opted to view what i read like a book, that is why you are mr madison,...  'micheal madison' ,  the actor...  a fantasy,  attached to a paintings recalled from my archives,  im autistic... so i guess each of us does,  uses,  what ever it takes to assimilate...relate...find our place and meaning.  your words are never boring. the space between each word will forever have me theorizing about where the author's head is really at.  its not for me to get it, its for me to enjoy it.  like a musical pause,  its a space to imagine.  i like opaque glass.  distorts the faces of the gargoyles to what ever can heal or help you.   a toast to the imaginarium . tonys moon base one

[maddison]

Oh @tonys it is a true gift to read your letters. You absolutely get it. The it & also the space between the it. It fascinates, inspires & connects me. I don't feel so alone.

I'm not sure if you would like to continue with your ideas of Michael maddison or maybe if you are interested in an alternative reality you could consider Virginia maddison?

Hmm, Im unsure how much detail to go into....I think my Autistic self deserves to be outed & deserves recognition. It has been hidden for 44 years. I was only diagnosed recently. I'm working on overcoming my personal barriers & focusing on learning to be proud of who I am. When I see the words written above, it's as though it's about someone else - I haven't made the connection yet, that is me.

How is farm life @tonys? Are the rabbit & cat similar colours? When I was little, I used to read books called Hello Kitty! Have you heard of them? I think it might be one of the most successful Japanese franchise. Anyway, it was the first thing I thought of. It's about a cat (Kitty) and her best friend who is a rabbit, named My Melody.

I'm not sure what they are eating. Some special pie, I presume.

My elderly neighbour is moving to place where she can get more support. We share a driveway. I have been assisting her small amounts as she prepares. I will miss her. Her mood is up and down. Its a big change. I won't be able to be as active on the forums for a week or so.

Thanks for the glorious letter. Be safe MoonBaseOne 

maddison 

 

[maddison]

@tonys I remember, it was mouse pie.

[tonys]

@maddison   how nice to open my book and see your words again.  Virginia it is then.   for no logical reason i now find my self in the deep south,  usa...  gone with the wind...  fine houses , sir and mam,  and endless fields of cotton.....   the power of changing just one word can change the everything..  Virginia...   a fine southern name..  mind your petticoat as alite the carriage and step back in time...    those 3 cats ...  could it be a glitch in the matrix..    yes im being silly,  but my world is the playground of childhoods stollen,     the tentative steps you take to lift the vail and share your secrets make me feel privileged that i am witness to them.  when you close your eyes and see a hand there to steady you,  it will be mine..    we the autistic may dwell on the fringes of the norm,  but we are growing in numbers and one day we will dance in unison,    i survive in this world but its in my own, that i really come to life.   to thrive in both.   maybe thats the end game..    my cat is black and white,  and the rabbit is grey.   they are both asleep in the same basket next to the fire...       

[maddison]

@tonys click on the blue link below.

Then you might have to click accept (cookies) with lots of writing in a white box.

Press play.

https://m.soundcloud.com/msmrsounds/ms-mr-hurricane-chvrches-remix 

"Hurricane"

Didn't know what this would be

But I knew I didn't see

What you thought

You saw in me

I jumped the gun

So sure you'd split and run

Ready for the worst

Before the damage was done

The storm never came

Or it never was

Didn't know getting lost in the blue

It meant I wound up losing you

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind

So dark and foul I can't disguise

Can't disguise

Nights like this

I become afraid

Of the darkness in my heart

Hurricane

What's wrong with me

Why not understand and see

I never saw

What you saw in me

Keep my eyes open

My lips sealed

My heart closed

And my ears peeled

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind

So dark and foul I can't disguise

Can't disguise

Nights like this I become afraid

Of the darkness in my heart

Hurricane

Make ash and leave the dust behind

Lady diamond in the sky

Wild light

Glowing bright

To guide me

When I fall

I fall on tragedy

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind

So dark and foul I can't disguise

Can't disguise

Nights like this I become afraid

Of the darkness in my heart

Hurricane

[maddison]

Yes @tonys it's a story.

[maddison]

Hi @tonys 

How are you?

I noticed I haven't seen you around for a while. That's ok. Maybe you will come back one day, maybe not. I hope you do!  You do you, & be a happy tonys.

I said I would write you a long letter & I'm keeping my word. Things here in the big smoke have been hectic. Everyone's moving so fast, racing to get to the next thing. I bet the atoms in the air even move faster here!

I was noticing today, when I crossed the road ( I had to push the button & wait for the little green humanoid to appear), how everything is so sped up.

The clicking sound is a nice tempo when waiting, then suddenly, the light is green, the clicking sound becomes frantic & the suggestion to walk faster than I've ever walked in my life is upon me. 

There is a sharp clarity of tension in the air as the attempt is made, in earnest, to make it to the other side of the road, all before that taunting green humanoid disappears, & is replaced by the disapproving red flashing overlord. It tells me "No, not this time - you were too slow to make it across in time." Then, the clicking returns to a calm rhythm & although I'm still stuck in the middle of the road - in the mind of the computer, I'm no longer relevant, I cease to exist. It says ' pedestrian, your allotted time is now complete.'

  I think back, to 3 seconds ago when I was queen of the highway. All the cars, so busy& important, having to slow down & stop. Me, with my magical abilities of being able to stop traffic with the touch of a button. Good times.

The story had a happy ending. Despite the battles I had to endure, I am pleased to let you know, that in the end, I did make it to other side of the road!

If a person exists that can make it in time, by walking fast - not running, I would be very interested to meet them. I don't think it's humanly possible.

It all makes me miss farm life. Not that I have lived on a farm.

The beautiful clean air, & things, maybe, at a slower pace. The sound of nature, rather than cars. Or the sounds of quite & stillness. The sounds of the earth bouncing off the sky & then back again. 

I like to listen to the sound of night. Occasionally a train goes by near where I live & I can hear the sound of the whistle & the clacking of the wheels on the track filling the air & eventually making its way through the gaps in my windows & into my room. I don't know where the train is heading, or why it only appears on certain nights. I don't know the driver, or the station workers, that, in my mind are waving to him as he passes through. I like to think, how I'm also a part of the travelling locomotive too. I'm the person, laying in bed at night who can hear the soothing sound of activity. The train seems to know me too & is happy to offer it's echos of reassurance.

The thing I miss most of all about farm (besides the animals) is the view of the stars! So beautiful. Us city folk may see 20 stars in the sky at night! You get to see hundreds or thousands...I don't know now. You can see the Milky way. 

Look after all those stars for me tonys, as they watch over you.

Kindness X 

m

Edit: today 3rd November

@tonys I'm not sure if this will work. Hoping you get new notification.

Lovely chatting with you. Missing you!

[NatureLover]

---

@maddison wrote:

...then suddenly, the light is green, the clicking sound becomes frantic & the suggestion to walk faster than I've ever walked in my life is upon me. 

---

@maddison  This made me laugh! You do have a way with words. 🙂