Lived Experience Forum

[Gillie1]

@chibam 

In reading your message and the responses the key seems to be hope and searching for happiness. Hope for me too is very illusive atm. If I look at the big picture I cannot help but be overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness. I see a giant chasm between where I am and where I had hopes of somewhere being. To hope for happiness seems impossible.

I also know that hope in right now, the next day, the next hour is possible. I'm hoping to be able to get out to visit a friend today - because the rain is like a shelter I know it will be quieter on the streets. This is something I haven't been able to consider for weeks. To leave the house by myself is huge but today I have hope in that possibility for a small change. That is enough for today. Hope builds on the hope of the possibly achievable. My hope for tomorrow depends on first hoping for today and my hope for 6 months from now which is beyond me right now will depend on the smaller hopes that I have built on.

Happiness is something I have never really been able to find when looking for it. Happiness by its nature never lasts. Happiness is something that comes along and catches me unawares and I go OH FXXK I'm actually happy right now. Happiness is like dessert It's great but no one can live on a diet of it. It's made up of a lot of other positive emotions that you can develop though.

(apologies for the language)

I hope this reflection helps you to find a hope that you see as achievable.

[chibam]

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@Historylover wrote:

Hey there, @chibam. Just sending good wishes for the 23rd March and hoping today is a good one for you. 😎☀️

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Thanks, @Historylover !🤗 I hope it was a good one for you, too.

Sorry it took me so long to get your message, but I always disconnect all my electronics when the weather gets rough. 😉 And boy, has it been rough today!

[chibam]

Sounds like a very cruel and ugly world, @Owlunar . Makes me mystified as to why anyone would ever want to live there.

If there's anything within my power I can change for the better, I am at a loss for what it might be, or what I'm supposed to do about it. And even if I did have some degree of omnipotence, there would be severe ethical concerns about wielding it; changing the world to suit my preferences and potentially wreaking misery on others' lives in the process.

I tried to change the world once. Others didn't like it, apparently, and made quick work of undoing all my good work.

I've seen the same done to others. One person's happiness is another person's misery. There's no way of winning. The only winning move is not to play.

[Historylover]

That's fine, @chibam. I wander on and off the site these days. We had a delightful storm yesterday. Last time I wrote, you were in a heavy rainfall day, so your weather is certainly running the gamut over there. We mainly have fluctuating temperatures!

I hope all is going well for you. As usual, I just try to enjoy myself as much as possible. 

Have a good day, @chibam. ☀️😎

[Owlunar]

Hi @chibam 

I'm sorry the world is such a dark place for you - it must be very grim.

I didn't try and change the whole world - only my own life - which had nearly been destroyed by someone else's decision - and it was my choice to improve my circumstances.

Decades ago now my troubled teenage son completed suicide - he was definitely off the rails - and I could have felt bad about it for the rest of my life - there are days when I still feel it - suicide doesn't stop the pain - it just spreads it around and people deal with the impact as they choose.

Mine was to improve my life - and I did - other people's dislike of my choices - before and after the terrible event - was up to them - and I am not troubled about this now as I am estranged from my siblings and my parents are gone. 

Changing my name was something they really hated - I don't know why - for me every day of my life I like the name I have now - and why should I have lived with a name I disliked?

Maybe in some ways I have changed the world through my assertive behaviour. I have written to politicians and other authorities about issues I have seen as wrong. Hopefully I have eased other people's suffering. I have had some success through the years - I am not young anymore but I am still proactive.

Anyway - if you have chosen to live your life accepting your status quo then that's your choice. I'm sorry about your circumstances and I don't know what is causing you so much despair.

But I did change my circumstances in a big way in the past - and I am glad I did. I am not saying this is something you can do. I really didn't care of other people didn't like it. That's my family actually. They weren't listening to me when I tried to explain anyway.

So - everyone is unique - I wish you the best and hope you can make things easier for yourself.

Owlunar

[Gillie1]

@chibam 

You are right "The only winning move is to not play".

The only winning move is to live!

It's something I'm just really putting that concept into words now actually though it has been on my mind.

Living in extremes at times more so for us who experience mental illness but Living is the only winning move. And living to the fullness of where you can be at any particular time.

Living is messy, Living is risky, Living is failing, and Living is getting hurt badly at times.

Living can also be joyous and silly and ridiculous and everything on the spectrum of existence.

[chibam]

Hi @Owlunar . Sorry for the sorrows you have, and have endured in the past.

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@Owlunar wrote:

Anyway - if you have chosen to live your life accepting your status quo then that's your choice. I'm sorry about your circumstances and I don't know what is causing you so much despair.

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As I say, it's not a case of accepting my situation, it's a case of not being able to fix it.

The source of my dispair is that I don't have anyone I considder to be a boon to my life; anybody - or anything, for that matter - that makes a case that life is worth enduring. Nobody who embodies virtue, or who makes the world a better place.

I've always had people blaming me for this lack of meaningful companionship; using that shame to coerce me into doing things that they want me to do, with veiled suggestions that doing so will lead to a solution to my problem. It was always, always, always a scam, that led me into more needless, thankless suffering. The scammers never once even had the decency to apologize.

People make these ridiculously vague statements that there's something I can do to fix my life. I don't believe them anymore. It's always been a lie. Rescue needs to come from a force considderably more powerful (or well-connected) then myself. That's what the mental health system is supposed to be for. But they only ever seem to drop the ball.

[chibam]

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@Gillie1 wrote:

@chibam 

You are right "The only winning move is to not play".

The only winning move is to live!

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That's never been my experiance, @Gillie1 ; either lived or observed.

[Gillie1]

As someone who has been regularly suicidal, who has had truly traumatic experiences in life, who has had people misunderstood and hurt me in devastating ways at times I hear you. 

I don't know your experience. I don't know what you have lived through.

I know there has been times when I was ready to go and the only thing that held me back was the thought that if I do this they win.

I know that life cycles for me it's never all bad or all good the whole time. Today I called walking half a block by myself a win. It sounds ridiculous but today it was for me.

It's easy to loose perspective when you feel lost and alone. Sometimes I need to kickstart the process by engineering wins for myself. Putting yourself in a situation you can win and practice that feeling helps.

[chibam]

@Gillie1We're starting to veer into territory where SANE management doesn't like me expressing my views, so I might have to keep most of my responses to myself from here on out.

But there are multiple concerns here; one being the misidentification of where the problem lies. All too often we seem to attribute the suicidal person's problem being within their brain, when in fact it is really within the circumstances of their life.

The other major problem is that I can't help but feel that there's an agenda here of twisting our mindsets to align with a predetermined conclusion, rather then openmindedly trying to establish which conclusion is correct.

Believe it or not, I actually started out preparing to accept that "suicide is wrong", because that's what all the older, (supposedly) wiser people all around me were preaching. But then observing life over the years and decades, the evidance to the contrary built up to such extents that it was impossible to dismiss; while evidance that supported that claim failed to materialize in any relevant quantity. It gets to the point of whether you are willing - and able- to completely abandon sense and reason, just so you are able to conform to this nonsensical belief system that the wider world is demanding you uphold.

I'm not trying to be antagonistic or disrespectful, or anything like that. I don't mean to offend or belittle whatever belief system you may have. It's just that this goes beyond the limits of what I can comprehend. It makes no sense to me. Maybe it does to others.