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Something’s not right

ClockFace
Senior Contributor

I cant do it today

I cant do it today, everything she says and does irritates me so bad. She talks and I just want her to be quiet. She is cleaning/sanding her bed head in the hallway, its like there are more people than just you in the house. She has crap all over the kitchen bench and Im forever moving stuff to get space to do anything. 1/2 drunk cans of drink around the place. 1/2 eaten meals. I get she is trying to make a safe space for herself and thats important but so is respecting the other people in the house I think.I cant get any time for myself, I mean I cant even drive into the shops to FINALLY do some shopping for myself as I havent had any lunch in days and she keeps taking the car for the entire day and she rang. I mean an hour uninterrupted, no I got to get a call. Im not doing well last day or so, been sleeping 15 hrs a day (not normal for me) and I want to go back to bed once I wake up. Waking up not cause Im done, sister woke me up yesterday, was worried Id died and woke up cause I had to pee today. I dont feel right, like generally unwell but nothing specific. 
 
A few days ago I wound up in ER with severe chest pain and shortness of breath. Been referred to my cardiologist. They put me on a drug which I think could be the cause of the tiredness, either that or Im more worn out than I thought, or of course its the start of a bug.
 
I have bilateral RF ablasion on my SI Joints on Thursday. Ive had heaps of procedures, I mean this will be my fourth just for this year but this one is making me pretty nervous. If it works Ill be pain free for the first time in over 20 years so its a big deal for me.
 
My anxiety is pretty bad, I cant seem to be calm. I take medication to stop my hands from shaking, Im at the max dose but still they shake. Not enough to impare use like they do when not on meds but enough to irritate.
 
Im really struggling with my depression. I have a morning, day and night routine which I havent been able to do because I had to be down with my sister etc. I told her a few days ago that I was going to restart them yesterday and that it would take a bit to get into it again, especially waking at 6am as my sleep/wake cycle has been messed up as well, so I would start my routine once I wake up. Her response was, so I cant do my routine, I dont know what routine she does and they shouldnt impact each other, but it was about her. I havent restarted my routine due to the tiredness/feeling crap thing.
 
Ive had some escape ideations lately, not suicidal as in I want to but a way out. Im the only one that can look after my sister. Mum decided a long while ago that she wasnt coming out her room any more. She has an acquired brain injury and heart failure though no one can work out why that means she cant do stuff anymore. Dad, well we had a conversation the other days and I described a mental health centre we have in Adelaide and his description was, a kindergarten for nutters. That pretty much sums up my Dads views on mental health. So that just leaves me
 
Ive been having some hallucinations of late. They are getting to me somewhat. The tactile one just scares the crap out of me, like its terrifying. The audible is ok, I can deal with that at the moment. The visual ones are I dunno, they make me want to look over my shoulders constantly. I feel like Im being watch, evaluated, prepared for something. I dunno, its a wierd feeling that I havent had before and I know it sounds kina paranoid.
 
I saw a psychiatrist a little while ago and he has done scripts for some new meds but they have to be posted so a bit of a wait. Im on a common antipsychcotic (2 or 3 actually) but I take this one before bed. The prescribed amount isnt doing much so I have been taking double, I know I can do this as have been prescribed it in the past. One of the new meds Im starting will replace it and hopefully do a better job.
 
I have some supports coming into place, quite a few but everything is weeks away. Like I have urgent support through SANE and kinds FB but actual ongoing support is weeks away. This is why I post so much I suppose, I have few other avenues. While I have dealt with mental health for years I have few skills to manage it. I mean loud noise, distraction are my go toos but this situation it seems that they are not enough or they are getting interupted (normally by sister).
 
I havent felt like I am right to be the carer for my sister from day one, but no one else was going to step up. She has been my primary support for ages, while I am deeply in debt, Im 43 and live with my parents and sister, Im an ex-alcholic who needed rehab to stop and my sister was there every step of the way. I couldnt manage my own household, I can barely do the chores etc Im asked to do here. I have a financial councillor to help with my position. Who am I to be responsible for another person, to make sure they are safe etc.
 
 
8 REPLIES 8

Re: I cant do it today

Hi @ClockFace,

This is so much for one person to go through. I'm sorry this is how things are for you right now - it's sounds like way to much for one person. I think your anxiety, depression, chest pains, wanting to escape, etc. is completely understandable. I think you are amazing that you are still doing everything you can to help your family despite how challenging it is. 

Is there someone you can reach out to for more urgent support, particularly support with your sister? Does she have a GP you can speak to or another professional support? Can you contact the local mental health team?  It's good that support is on the way but it really sounds like you could do with the support right now.

I really hope things turn around for you and your family soon. It sounds like you all deserve a much needed break and a lot of support. If it helps you to put your feelings down and express yourself on the Forums please do it as much as you need to. I hope just knowing there are people out here on the Forums that care about you and want to support you helps a little.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather 

Re: I cant do it today

@FloatingFeather 

We are linked in with local mental health team, some supports on their way from them.

We saw her GP today and she gave us more resources

 

I got linked up with Carers SA today so some more resorces for me.

 

Yeah it helps to write to something. I dont like the dear diary thing but forums are ok

Re: I cant do it today

Hey @ClockFace 

 

Sounds like a lot has changed recently, you mentioned your history and dependency but just because you have defeated your demons, does that mean you are healed?  How did your sister go from being a helper to needing support?

Re: I cant do it today

@AussieRecharger 

I wouldnt say that I have healed from my issues. Drinking still a regular battle. Ive had a bit of a big set back today and all I want to do is go get a bottle or 3. I struggle on a daily to adult, it doesnt come naturally to me. I have a few things in place to help mitigate like my chores are schedualled in my  routine. I make to do lists to do normal stuff that normal adults just know to do. 

 

I have BP2 with psychotic features, anxiety and depression, Im on like 8 psych meds, 27 meds in total. I had some changes to my meds a few months ago which made me more human, but prior to that I was more asleep than awake when I was out of bed, which wasnt overly long day. I still struggle with the meds combination, I think that plays a role. I mean I used to live on my own but since the brief psychotic episode I had to move back in with my parents and just have never really got my shit together.

My sister had a break down 3 months ago, there was a lot going on at home and she was trying to keep it all together and my Mum was not helpful, somewhat abusive to her. She was in hospital after hospital over a 3 month period for mental and physical health. In the last hospital she was in she was diagnosed  with BPD. She was having issues comprehending and retaining information, regulating emotions etc. So as no one else (Mum/Dad) would step up and look after her, support her etc. I did. I love my sister dearly and will do anything to look after her, but I am coming to the conclusion I need to protect myself first before I deal with her

Re: I cant do it today

Wow @ClockFace, You have a lot going on. What is it like for you trying to socialise? Do you also feel lonely and find it hard to connect to others?

 

The reason I ask is they make you do that wheel of life thingy when they talk about mental health, family, spirituality, money, career etc. It sounds like with everything going on, it would be hard to do the things that recharge your mood.  How do you like to recharge yourself by the way?

Re: I cant do it today

@AussieRecharger 

I dont socialise at all. I mean before all this I didnt much. I have one friend and we catch up a few times a year but thats it. 

 

Ive had to go on leave mainly for my own mental health but also to look after my sister, I couldnt do both. 

 

Money is screwed, it wasnt good before this but all this has put me $12500 further in the hole and likely further to come.

 

Yeah I feel lonely, its like I am floating in space. Its weird, Im not a huge people person  but through this I have been reaching out to people on here and FB. 

 

There is no way for me to recharge, its constantly take. The closest thing I get is psychology etc.

Re: I cant do it today

@ClockFace 

 

On the money side, any chance you would talk to a financial counsellor?  Only reason I ask is they are the experts in helping people with little money achieve outcomes and most of the time, they don't cost you anything.  

 

Do you have access to any supports for your health?

Re: I cant do it today

@AussieRecharger 

I have a brilliant Financial Councillor. Hes an ex-parametic so he was able to understand most the medical stuff I deal with which made things easier.

 

We are trying to get my bank debts waived given the circumstances. So far most have offered moritoriums or reduced payments but I have now written a letter to them explaining the ins and outs so I am hopeful that they will come up with a more sustainable solution.

I work in collections for a Big 4 Bank, I deal with bankruptcies but I know enough about the system to know what they can and cant do.

 

My GP is really good with my health, Ive not been seeing her long but she is catching up pretty quickly. My old GP left the practice for a job in town so too far to keep seeing him. Ive been at the same practice for be 15 years so they know everything. My specialists are pretty good at all, the Urologist was a...well things went poorly  in my last surgery, lots of pain. So I am going to try a different one from a reputable firm. 

 

Other than that nah not really. Again parents are no good, they are of the opinion that you push through, especially if your supposed to be working. My sister is a bit more understanding, but has several physical health issues herself, she is on a DSP so she gets a bit frustrated at  times.

 

I tried to get on the NDIS for my mental health and back but they said there was more I could do so they denied my application. If the procedure works on my back then I will probably reapply based on my mental health, not sure bladder cancer ticks any boxes.

Other than that there doesnt really seem to be any supports around. 

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