It's hard

[Cats101]

Sometimes it's hard, putting on a fake smile, say your fine and okay, when your breaking on the inside, bads habits come back to haunt me and remind me of memories I'd rather forget.

Fake smiling so I don't worry my parents, telling them I'm okay, so they can be okay, worrying all the time I might upset them because of my anger or fall back into hurting myself, I don't want to worry them, so I've learned to tip toe around them, not to say things that might trigger there mental heath.

It's just so hard that, at times, I just want to give up, hide in my room, and sleep everything away.

[Kyle1]

sorry @Cats101 

Yes. It is hard. 

It is hard.

Do you have supports around you - like a good gp atleast? Or counsellor?

For what it's worth, not everyday turns out as hard as some. And those of us with mental health issues are the same as everybody else: we only ever get one day at a time. Tomorrow is promised to no one. So let's just focus on today...one day at a time. 🙏

it sounds like you're doing a great job to make it this far... You're clearly stronger than it might seem!

[Appleblossom]

Hey @Cats101 

I was so well trained in putting on the smile and its alright persona, that I did not know how to express all the other stuff ...

I had to be like that to reassure family, both, my siblings and parents and later my children.

Lately I am learning lots of ways to express 'less than', and nuanced, its not all fine.  I am feeling generally better about it, as it is not fake, and I am still being authentic. 

Eg.,

... a droll ... getting there... and eye roll

waving my hands ... so so 

its been better ...

Maybe broadening forms of expression enables us to be real without unleashing all our burdens at once, but helps us hold firm, not unduly upset others, and feel better within, as we are not betraying our inner life.... seems its gonna be a lifelong journey for me ...

was very uncertain about belonging in a group this morning ... but expressed a bit ... challenges and skills and good things ... and somehow feel better overall ... reality testing ...

Does that make sense?

[Historylover]

I know how you feel, @Cats101. I got tired of being happy on the outside but falling apart on the inside. Everyone assumes we're doing fine, but we're not. It  all makes me wonder how many others are doing the same. I'm walking the same path @Cats101 but things are looking up. I hope they do for you soon too. 

[Delicatessen]

I know how you feel too @Cats101 

I’ve felt the way you describe many times in my life. I suffer from anxiety and depression. For me, it’s not that I want to lash out with the negative feelings and thoughts. I just don’t want to smile. 

One of my main strategies as I’ve had various treatments is to say to my loved ones (when they ask what’s wrong) is to simply say “I’m not in a good place. I don’t want to discuss. Please give me some space.”  And then it’s ok not to smile.

BUT you should make sure you take care of yourself and get support as you need it. Doing it alone is tough and may not be your best way forward.

To share a story - I know someone who was very sick with mania. They were going it alone and frustrating their child with their behaviours. After a time they opted to tell that child “somethings not right” (which was news to the child). The child subsequently changed into one of their main supports. It wasn’t a fairy tale but the outcome in this instance was very positive. Just food for thought.