My 33 yo daughter with BPD/ Chronic Pain and OCD type routines etc

[Douggie]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this forum.
I have a 33yo daughter who has multiple mental health challenges and also chronic pain, weight issues and low self esteem.
She is totally reliant on me as a mum, a best friend and counselor.
I'm struggling with guilt of bringing her into this world and her having all the issues she has been dealt and at the same time she feels guilty that she is so reliant on me and my life has been on hold because of her situation. When things go wrong for her she takes all her anger out on me and sees things quite differently to me. I find I'm having to apologise for things that I don't think I should just to keep the peace and stop things escalating. It seems like a no win situation.
She hates the way she is and just wants to be normal.....it's exhausting being on this rollercoaster for us both.

Can anyone else relate to my situation? Thanks You

[Former-Member]

Hey there @Douggie, it sounds like so much has been happening to you. It's so clear that you have so much care for you child, you're feeling responsible for what she's experiencing but also feel exhausted (and maybe frustrated) at the current situation. Did I understand that right?

It is so understandable that you're both exhausted. And I know there are others here who have experienced similar things, or can at least offer some of their own wisdom. @Kelkel  @Mum22 , I think you both shared something similar recently.

It sounds like you have been doing your best to cope with everything, and I'm sorry it feels like a no-win situation, but you've been doing your best. 

Are you mostly looking for others with similar experiences? or also Ideas on how to cope and change what's happening? I don't want to assume! 

I also wanted to share a few resources just in case!

• For your own mental health, the forum threads Daily Check In Space and Coping Toolbox ( what is in yours to help you cope ) to check-in with other carers
• Your GP to talk about your own supports
• BPD Foundation has some great carers resources here

I know we're all looking forward to getting to know you more ❤️ 

[Former-Member]

oohh, I forgot @Douggie , but I also wanted to share our drop-in counselling line. You can chat with a counsellor via a chat or phone, if you think it's useful. 

Just find the details here.

[Douggie]

Hi,  Thank you for reaching out and listening.
Yes...I'm feeling guilt that she has a number of issues she's dealing with and she often can't see hope and asks why is she in this world....just to be tormented and for things to not go right. There are complex issues at home we are trying to move on from but her anxieties and BPD etc hold her back. She has rigid routines that give her control but they are sending me crazy. Everything has to be around what she wants and when, for her to feel in control and normal.
e.g It was her bday yesterday and she was expecting me to send her a message just after midnight. I had had a full day at work, have hardly slept due to her routines and I completely forgot. I also forgot that she wanted me to cook her some brownies.

I had meanwhile done other beautiful things for her bday but they were all overwritten by what she expected and I didn't do. 
It all then came back at me as....I don't care. Everything else is more important than her.

Yes...I'm exhausted....frustrated...hurt. 

I have done a carers BPD course years ago. 

I think I'm looking for any input from others that may help me cope and not feel alone and move forward.

I do see a counsellor but she doesn't have a lot of experience in this field. She's helping me more with a situation with my ex husband who is not supportive and has also contributed to a toxic home environment.
Thank you  

[Former-Member]

It sounds like you've been working so hard on making sure you can support your daughter. I didn't even know there were BPD carers courses! Thats awesome. I'm so sorry that her diagnoses are making it difficult for her to see that. It's understandable that it's having such an impact on you, but it still sucks. 

I know others in this forums will be able to send you support, to cope and to move forward ❤️  

PS. Here is a tip: if you press "@" and then someones username, they'll get a notification that you're messaging them. It makes it easier for everyone to track conversations 😊  For example @Douggie 

[Douggie]

Thank you @Former-Member 

I will relook at the the BPD site again and see if there are some tools to help me. 🙂

[Ashley8]

Hello Douggie 

yes I can relate to your problem I have two daughters with NPD both different of course. I read what you said and I have the same issues as you do I also apologise to keep the peace.  I am also new to Sane but I have received some great support. I guess the important thing is that we take care of ourselves. I know there are times it can get us down and I believe it’s good to talk it out with friends or family or anyone who can support us in anyway. You are welcome to reply and perhaps we can support each other on difficult days and times and give each other hope and support.

good luck keep strong and look after yourself

cheers Ashley8