Trauma and the family courts

[Ilovepenguins]

To those of you that have been or are currently going through the family courts, how did you deal with the injustice of it all, especially in relation to the discrimination and stigma of mental health and the perpetual forced trauma?

I honestly can't get my head around why it's ok for a party in a case that has been accused of family violence and emotional manipulation to subpoena their victim's confidential medical records then weaponise the records against their victim in an open court. Then to go one further, accuse the victim of refusing mental health treatment when the safe connection the victim had with the practitioner has been broken.

The family court system is so broken!

[amber22]

I'm so sorry you're going through this @Ilovepenguins 

I have not gone through the family course system but I'm sending you lots of hugs and letting you know that I'm sitting with you if you wanted to chat ❤️

Here if you need to rant

Amber22

[Ilovepenguins]

Thanks so much @amber22 😁 I'm so grateful to have your support!

I could rant all day about the injustice of it all hahaha

A friend told me last week that even though the experience of it all is so horrendous, there's future value to be had in the experience because of the career path in mental health peer support and advocacy that I'm dedicated in taking. While the thought helps with the emotional side and being able to push through, it doesn't really help with the physical symptoms of the anxiety!

[amber22]

Of course - you always have my support! @Ilovepenguins 

The physical symptoms of anxiety can be really challenging, I am definitely not new to them either! Is there something specific that you do to help relieve a bit of these symptoms at all? 

Sitting with you

[Ilovepenguins]

Anxiety truly is an awful feeling, I'm sorry that your no stranger to it as well.

So one of the things that has really helped me is picturing my 'happy place' when those symptoms start, and for me that's thinking about something funny. So in my deepest darkest days of suicidal ideation, one of my coping strategies to keep me going in 24hr blocks was to agree with myself that I had to keep pushing if I'd found something to smile or laugh about in that 24hrs. This ended up being fart jokes 🤣. So now my 'happy place' is thinking about farts....I know that's really weird but it works hahahaha 

[amber22]

Anxiety really is a horrible feeling, and I'm sorry that your struggle with it also! 

I've tried many different kinds of therapy for it. I've been looking into hypnotherapy for it - I've heard some good reviews about it and I will try anything! 

Oh that is actually hilarious, I love that!! My psychologist told me to interrupt my thoughts with a funny voice or think of something funny to remind myself that it is just a thought and that I control it, and not the other way around. @Ilovepenguins 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Ilovepenguins 

I'm sorry you are going through all of this - I have and I do know how rough it can be.

I was surprised at how nasty we both got regarding the property settlement. From habit I was keeping a note-book journal - and it wasn't until years later when I read it before ditching it that I realised how much hatred I had felt and kept a lot of it in those books - which is how I coped with it.

Because one of our children had died in tragic circumstances - I did receive the larger portion - normally this would not be the case - but then - I had a family court lawyer and my ex had gone to the local lawyers - I am sure it helps to have a good solicitor on your case.

You're right - it's not fair that your mental health issues become part of the argument - I guess people pull anything they think is fair game - and it's not. And your feelings - you are totally entitled to feel whatever you feel - feelings are always valid if not sound - and I really feel for you.

You are most certainly not alone - many have been in that situation ahead of you. I don't know if the situation is broken or if it just works better if you can and choose to pay more - as I did.

But it's a tough scene - I am glad you have shared your story and I wish you the best -

Owlunar

[Kyle1]

Am all too familiar with this @Ilovepenguins 

It's like being dismembered.

To answer your question how I've dealt with the injustice of it all..? 

I haven't. 

It is so uncanny you bring this up, you know... I was talking with somebody about this very thing today on the phone...

[Valiant83]

hi @Ilovepenguins 

We had an horrendous situation with my son's ex-wife that began in January 2021 and finally found a court resolution in June this year ... it broke both of us and cost approximately $180k to complete ... I'm not sure how we coped but the advice I can share is get a lawyer you can trust and involve a barrister in the process ... even though that increases the cost and is beyond many people's means, we had complete faith when they both said the court will uphold the right of the child to have a relationship with both their parents.

The lawyer continually reminded us that it doesn't matter if there's mental illness present, if there's drug use, if there is family violence, the court will always be negotiating for the opportunity to grant suitable access to the non-custodial parent. My son continually sabotaged himself all the way through and my ex-daughter-in-law was convinced she would 'win' as her mother is a lawyer who prides herself on fighting dirty but our lawyer had said, she (the mother) doesn't get it that family court is not a criminal court. She was subpoenaing everything she could, including my records, looking for 'evidence' that he was an unfit person ... aka a criminal. That's the joke, family court isn't looking for bad guys and good guys.

I hope that helps you - there is no 'fight' to win or lose, it's a discussion about the BEST INTEREST of the child. We had specialists involved, a child psychiatrists who offered the opinion that the mother was deliberately withholding the child, and an independent children's lawyer who interviewed and observed both parents with the child, and interviewed her as well, who submitted a report saying there was no risk to the child to be in the company of her father.

It was a soul-damaging and heart-breaking process but he now has regular access visits and a strong relationship with his daughter ... it was so worth it!! I'd also suggest, get a team of support people around you as it is tough and scary and painful and the hardest thing to do if you have to listen to the arguments against your child's right to be with their parent ... hold onto that truth!!

[EternalFlower]

I had some experience with this and my mental health was used against me, but not with sympathy more as to make me look dangerous and unkind

The stigma is so painful