Friends

[Tarmac_6]

I have a friend who struggles with bad anxiety. She’s definitely in a better spot than she used to be but she still spirals worse than other people. I am always happy to listen but sometimes it feels like a lot. Like there’s something everyday I need to talk her down from. I struggle with social anxiety and depression and because of that I don’t really talk about my issues I sort of just deal with them myself. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have any space for myself because I’m trying to support and help other people. This leaves me feeling frustrated cause I sometimes just think ‘why can’t they deal with it themselves!’. I know that’s not a healthy thing to do and it’s not something I’d ever say to them. I think I’ve never really felt like there was space for me (with family) so I guess it triggers that? She is there for me if I need her but it almost feels like not in the same ways like it doesn’t really help me I guess. Because I’m not someone who opens up when I do and it’s not helpful or it feels like the other person doesn’t care that much I feel triggered. I know I should set boundaries but I don’t want to not be there for her and it’s hard to just ignore someone when they’re upset. I know her hearts in the right place but I just don’t really know what to do. I think I know if I really opened up and needed her she would be there for me and so I guess it’s something I have to accept if I don’t open up. I guess I don’t know if I’m even asking for advice I’m not sure there’s much anyone could give.

[Sparky79]

Hi @Tarmac_6, be careful with this as this can lead to resentment, remember you can't fill another's cup from yours if yours is empty.

As much as you want to be there for your friend, you need to prioritise your mental health first. Sacrificing yourself for another leads to pain and suffering, then resentment which is something that is very hard to come back from.

She is very lucky to have you as a friend and as one of her support group.

I suffer from anxiety myself and I can definitely relate to not talking about it with others and keeping it to myself as it's easier, plus I wouldn't want to be a burden to anyone. You've got to love the damage from the past where you're made to feel like an idiot for being anxious over something that the other person thought was stupid.

You mentioned that you think she would be there for you if you really opened up and needed her she would be there, the thing is, would you really open up? or would you not want to burden her with your troubles? Wouldn't you be more concerned with helping her? rather than risk feeling selfish or guilty for opening up?

How do I know this? yeah I've been there, many people have, so remember you're not alone and people that have been where you are know the frustration and the emotions, so don't be afraid to reach out and vent.

I'm hoping that your friendship brings more positives than it does negatives, as we all need positive things to cherish in our lives.

I'll finish my reply with one of my favourite sayings,

"Giver's need to set limits, because takers rarely do"

[Tarmac_6]

Hi @Sparky79 , thanks for your reply. Everytime I open up as soon as it gets deep I shut down and I can’t talk about it anymore. I just want to run and hide and I wish I never shared to begin with. I guess I think I might be better if I opened up but I also feel like I’ll never be able to get over the worry that my problems are too scary for other people and it’s selfish. I’ve been told I need to open up in order to move on but I just don’t think I will ever be able to.

[Sparky79]

@Tarmac_6 Just wondering if you are seeing a psychologist or counsellor? I have seen a psychologist weekly for over 2 years (workplace trauma), but I had seen one in the past after my divorce. When you find the right one you will feel comfortable enough to open up to them, hearing yourself speak out, vent to someone without any judgement, or wanting anything from you does help.

It's a terrible feeling when you need to express yourself but can't or won't allow yourself, so thankyou for having the courage to reach out and post here!

[Tarmac_6]

Yes I do see a psychologist @Sparky79, and I recently started taking antidepressants. I see her every 2 weeks but I guess I struggle sometimes with the time between. I sometimes feel like I have so many things to think about or work on that it feels like we’re not even scratching the surface I guess. But I guess I probably just need to keep working on it in therapy and hope for the best.

[Sparky79]

@Tarmac_6 first starting on antidepressants can be an absolute rollercoaster of emotions till they have taken full effect after a few weeks. Sometimes we may not be prescribed the correct ones (again personal experience), so give them a chance to see how they are for you. Lol yeah the sessions are never long enough! it will take a while to slowly unpack everything that we've worked so hard to suppress and hide away.

Sending hugs and healing energy your way!