cPTSD supporting cPTSD Long Distance partner

[GalaxyOwl]

Hi gang,

I'm a month into a new relationship with someone who was a close friend and we are now dating long distance. 

We're both auDHD and have complex mental health.

They've had a huge mental health crisis about our relationship (triggered by their own relationship trauma) and they're worried they're going to ruin our time together when they come down to Melbourne on Thursday. 

Im doing my best to just provide them reassurance, but there's only so much I can stomach given my own experiences with supporting people in the past. 

From my perspective, they're self sabotaging and convincing themself that it will go badly because they've been vulnerable in front of me, and that I will decide its too much to deal with, so that if that does happen, they'll have already predicted it.

but for me it feels like they're trying to make it happen. And I don't know how to help them in any way other that telling them it won't.

I love them and want them to feel safe to be vulnerable around me, without them feeling it's risking the entire relationship.

[Jynx]

Hi @GalaxyOwl, 

I'm hearing how torn you are. The urge to provide support and the need to protect yourself are obviously both really important, it's no wonder you're feeling a bit lost!!

I think you're right, there's only so much reassurance we can give before we feel like we're just repeating ourselves. Humans are first and foremost experiential learners - which means that it's possible that even if your partner believes your reassurance logically, they may still have a big emotional response anyway. Sometimes we need to live something to believe it. 

Perhaps you could have a think about what your own personal 'line' might be. Consider those times from the past where you didn't have a great time supporting people - what were the things that made those occasions so unpleasant? What sort of behaviours could your partner display that might end up triggering you? What would be crossing your 'line'? Sometimes when we make these decisions for ourselves about what we're willing to tolerate beforehand, it can mean we're far less likely to feel compelled or obligated to ignore our own need for safety because we feel like we made a commitment to be helpful. Do you think something like that could help? 

Have you shared with your partner this concern that it seems like they want to 'make it happen'? 

[Ainjoule]

Hey @GalaxyOwl 

I think @Jynx said it more eloquently than I could. It sounds as though your partner is approaching (or maybe even crossing a bit) your own boundaries. I think it's important to protect your own boundaries as this keeps you and the relationship healthy. It's ok to limit your reassurance to what you feel comfortable with.