hello friends its Lost Angel just checking in here as its been a little while or seems that way to me, ok so in some ways things are positive but of course with life youve gotta take the good with the not so good , In some areas Im finding myself acheiving goals of house repairs little by little ,in my family relationships some connections are still very much there and Im thankfull for those that are still there as family is very important to me , as for my romantic relationship things are reasonably good, but as for unexpected things mishaps ect in the practical sense such as high amount of financial stress from bills and unexpected occurances such as getting a flat tyre while driving but thank goodness for roadside cover although tyres are expensive for now its just the the spare that needs replaced, although of course anxiety flaired in the momment as I have no clue how to change a tyre ,Ive tried to make it a point of getting out at least one day on the weekends with imediate family ,besides this I tend to be trying to show my strong self or side of self to others especially strangers in passing in public even if my mind sometimes runs at a 100 miles per hour worrying about various things at once, one downside recently is my inability to get a Job which I kind of put down to ill planned attempts at getting employment and possibly how I present myself not that I look a mess physically but that communicating my intrest and showing my personality is somehow difficult ,lack of confidence,thinking Im not enough based on some very minor appernt negative reaction thats my mind perveices of manangers whom I give my resume to ,anyway not having a Job is a real sore spot cause it makes me think am I not doing enough to get a job in the first place ,I mean Ive tried online and been unsuccessfull now Im finding myself almost desperate for work so Im forcing myself out there by showing my face in person to managers as a prespective employee which is daunting for the anxiety part of me and self doubt creeps up it mainly makes me think Im not enough or good enough or the manager doesnt like me,the other workers wont like me,I wont fit in ect thoughts like that but Im still going push myself to do in person applications ,I just have to get a job somehow , also its not just a sore point for me but also a sore point for my romantic partner,his intrest and worry about my wellbeing means that hes trying to motivate me to find work ,he has said multiple times that he doesnt like me to be not working and wants me to find any non complex easy job I can find ,I think hes alos worried that Ill be unhappy later on if I dont work and get out now and socialise with people ect , I do wish I was working already but unfortunetly Im not , and maybe Im not doing enough to get a job which makes me feel bad about myself ,he doesnt want to pressure me to work ,but he doesnt have to I am pressuring myself about finding work and why it seems like a majority of other people are finding and do have jobs but not me ,im left out it seems which doesnt feel good at all ,I mean not that working should be tied too much to a persons identity of self but it does have a big part to that
