GEtting back to who I am

[Appleblossom]

Hey Hams

@MDT 

Loved the Max Richter video ... I made long train trips at the age of the girl ... yeah Melbourne Sydney ... the music like the waiting, and sitting and watching the world go by... and imagining the destination ...

Always good to talk.

[MDT]

Heyy @outlander

Nice to hear from you mate

Good to see you now and again here

I just had a lie down for about 40mins

Had to wind myself down. Was getting caught up in things. Of my own making. Ocerthinking and over analysing like @StanD said

Thanks for your well wishes

[MDT]

@StanD there is a lot to be said for intent in all things we do

Need to remember this

[MDT]

I went for a walk by the bay
Thought it wouod help me
But yeah I've woken up feeling pretty rank
Not quite sure why I feel like this

[MDT]

Tbh I think I know actually...<br><br><br>I heard on the radio the presenter was talking about how his kid got hurt with a hunting utensil. I hate hearing about kids getting hurt. I hate it because it reminds me of times I was hurt as a kid - emotionally or physically. Things like bullying too. And emotional abuse at the hands of church people - particularly the religious studies teacher who held a great deal of power over me. Well I mean I have him that power because he was in a position of respect.

[StanD]

Morning @MDT 

It made me feel good that you found my reply reassuring & of value. Thankyou.

My head (as previously mentioned) is not functioning & feels very 'raw'. I'm not sure what I'm saying or writing - I needed your feedback, thankyou.

Anyway, it was only my initial impression, likely oversimplified. These things are complex. I wanted to share my first , Basic, reaction - to be honest & perhaps give you objective view. 

I can read things, another day -& have another view!

I'm glad, in that moment, it helped you to step back & take time out for yourself.

I've read your recent post ... I feel the same ish this morning. Pretty crappy. Zero motivation. Cold, dark, raining in Melbourne.

Sorry, I misquoting ur title, in last post.

GEtting back to who I am 

I can feel @Appleblossom encouragement to watch your videos & will do this now 

Hello Apple - I attended church again in Sunday. I loved it❤️ we have Christmas in July this Saturday. (I'm not a fan of December) Anyway, I put my name down on the list, & my new male friend is coming too! He is your age. Wise. A little scary. A beautiful human.

Offering my support for your thread @MDT I love the self reflection. How else do we learn?

Well I've been on fire, dreaming of you

Tell me you don't

It feels like you do

Looking like that, you'll open some wounds 

Lyrics fromVance Joy I'm with You .

I think most people have heard the song before. It stood out to me last night 

I wonder, Ham's, do you feel happiness too, amongst the sadness? I do.

Finally, I wanted to share with you, you wrote late night 

there is a lot to be said for intent in all things we do

Need to remember this 

This triggered me. 

I can't explain. I felt the sensations in my body. 

Last night, I screamed 'help me' in that moment you first fall asleep - I woke myself up & scared my friend. I was fine, ok. 

It is deep, stirring inside me.

Fear?

Shame?

Death?

Life?

Thankyou. 

It sux to be triggered - & I don't know what your occupation is - it sounds you are on the frontline. I personally, don't want to continually be activated in my own traumas.

Triggers, when needed - help me to grow (I think?!)

Hope, you can make sense of any of this. 

Love

 (Is Sewers hide)

Smashing Pumpkins Bodies 

[Appleblossom]

Hey @MDT 

My first big train trip at 5, preceded the homelessness and us going into orphanages.  The next, I was young and on my own 10, and going back to see my grandparents.  Both are highly charged in my memory but the beautiful still ... Ambient Orchestra helped make it a calm reflective memory for me with pathos ... and also universality.

@StanD One of the beautiful things that have helped me about being on the forum is that there are a huge range of people and posts and I am allowing muself to be "me" in sharing and reacting etc.It has helped give all the different experiences I have suppressed ... finally some expression.

I actually missed church this Sunday .. I intended to go and was looking forward to it, but was lost in la la land and missed it.  My day before must have been too big and I needed a lot of time to come back to ground before going out into the social world again.  I am learning to accept my hiccups.

The church I attend sometimes ... is doing their Christmas in July at end of July ... I am not sure of my "beloning" there ... but perservering, without compromising myself.   I played organ there for a bit but withdrew from that role.

Take Care folks ...

[MDT]

Had the info evening for post grad tonight

Wasn't too helpful. But I joined the postgraduate SRC and managed to ask the helper lady for the contact of someone who could tell me whether or not evening classes are available.

Was strange being back on the uni campus. But either way it was good. Just need more info from them

So much carry on at uni these days.

But that said I met a Suadi Arabian guy next to me. Was over here on a government scholarship from their country.

Life hey?

Gonna watch an episode of my TV show. Then head to bed. Might get up to watch tour de france time trial but will seehow ot goes.

Work from home tomorrow.

See you around fofumites

[outlander]

im always around @MDT its good to see you progressing

[MDT]

Thinking the uni thing ain't gonna work. But just need to figure it out can get a bit overwhelming with the admin side if things and the rules etc.
I'll be Bummed out if I can't study again because I know I cam do it.
Just need to be patient which is hard because I feel like I am chasing myself from the past.

Perhaps I ought to give myself a pat on the back for making it this far into a job that normally requires a masters but I've managed to pick up without needing one?

Anyways. Been in a relationship a year its going well. Have a fine relationship with housemate. Close to work. Getting paid. Getting my affairs in order.

Gotta remember I'm my own person. My own man. My own Hams.

@outlander @Appleblossom @TAB @StanD @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Meowmy