Husband having second inpatient stay in 8 weeks and I’m struggling

[Struggling_WM]

Hi,

I’m not sure where to start, but I’m struggling, my husband is on his second inpatient admission in the last 8 weeks, firstly for treatment resistant depression,  he had TMS and I was so hopeful that this would work, he seemed better but this lasted only briefly.
He has now been diagnosed with complex PTSD from trauma in his youth (these memories have just re-appeared and we’re so disturbing for him) so he is now in another hospital receiving treatment for this. 

On top of this we have 2 children aged 8 and 11, our 11 year old is diagnosed with ADHD and autism and his behaviour is challenging, tonight I really lost my temper with him as he wasn’t listening, was jumping on the couch and throwing toys around, I just lost it. I feel so bad, told them that I wanted to leave like Daddy but not come back, I’m so sick and tired of the burden of child care, running the house, doing all the chores, working full time and earning the only salary we have coming in. I could just walk out and not come back. 
My husband can’t appreciate any of this, tells me he can’t cope with it if I try and tell him how tired and exhausted I am. 
have recently re-engaged with a psychologist but don’t think it’s enough. 
I’m seriously at the end of my tether with everything, I love them all, but I’m not sure how much longer I can go on. There has to be more to life than this constant battle. 
I’m so sad ALL the time, my children keep catching me crying, I want to tell them what’s going on but my husband doesn’t want any one to know where he is which makes it so hard for me to ask for help. 

Im doubting all the choices I’ve made and wish life was different. 

Any way, thank you for listening..

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Struggling_WM 

I can really feel for your situation. 

Just saying hello, until others come by and post a reply. It can take time. The best I know is to FORGIVE yourself, and reduce pressure on yourself to be a perfect parent or spouse.  Life throws a lot of double whammys at us and we just need to find a way to keep going.  For the kids and for ourselves.

At 8 and 11 the kids will know something is up and their father's absence may be increasing anxiety.  Hoping they settle a bit.  Clinical support only goes so far as a solution when sometimes it is the very real life pressures of keeping a family going.

Honesty and Secrecy are tricky things to negotiate within the family in an age appropriate manner.  Your husband will have to face up to the fact that his absence has been noticed and the children are owed some explanation.  Find your own way with truth.  Children can also be strong and be supportive and it is a part of their growth to be able to express that side of themselves too.

Here to talk if you want.

Take Care

Apple

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Struggling_WM,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is really brave of you to reach out and share your story with us. Please know that you are in a safe space with a lot of supportive members with a variety of lived experiences.

I'm sorry to read about what you, your husband and your family are going through. It sounds like a really challenging time for you all and a time when you could all do with a lot of support.

I think how you feel is completely understandable - you must be exhausted and it is really tough being the person that holds everything together. My family went through something challenging a few years ago when my father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and another family member has a serious mental health condition and I was the one that they turned to for support and strength. Typically I am happy to be that person but sometimes it can get all too much being the one that isn't expected to `break'. I do feel for you because I feel like I have experienced similar feelings as you.

It's great that you have reached out to a psychologist but I am wondering if you have any other types of support around you as this is a lot to take on your own shoulders. Do you have any family or friends that you trust that could help you? Would you feel comfortable to have a chat with your GP about your situation? I think a GP can refer a patient on for 10 free counselling sessions. I'm also wondering also if you would want to speak to a social worker (maybe they can offer support around your children or know of community support groups in your area). Here is a link for how to contact a social worker in your area https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/how-to-contact-social-work-services?context=22461. You are going through a lot and you also need support. I also understand how hard it is that your partner can't really support you through this as he is going through his own thing.

I am also going to send you an email just to check in with you so if you could respond when you can that would be great.

I really do hope that things improve for all of you very soon and would encourage you to reach out and get support for yourself too.  

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[DUKE74]

Dear @Struggling_WM 

It sad that you feel this way and are struggling. As a father, now separated for quite sometime, it must be hard on you, as I have be an impatient as mental health hospitals for 3 admissions over past 10yrs. With a recent suicide attempt, it's hard on oneself let alone a family, a mother and her children seeing there partner, father going through this but unable to understand it at all. 

Mental illness isn't like a physical disease, broken arm, health problems etc, we know the diagnosis and treatment to assist these. But mental health is a complex disease, there is no easy or one solution, every person has different backgrounds, truma or other underlying issues none are the same, it's like DNA , nothing is alike, symptoms are similar but no two treatment can determine a positive or effective result.

Don't feel bad about lashing out at your Child, your human, your a parent, hardest job on the planet, parents only get to rest when their due, it's a 24/7 life experience.

It's hard to look at the positives of your situation, but you must be one strong tough cookie of a women. Raising children is hard enough, but to raise children with ADHD and autism, well, you must be one strong person of character. Give yourself a break and pat yourself on the back.

Besides dealing with children's health matter and now your husband, try to focus on the positive, even if there small gems. I know it's hard, but we are so fortunate to live in Australia, plenty of food, housing, freedom of speech, so we are lucky, I know that sounds easy and low key, but life could be a lot worst.

Be kind to yourself, seek help, not just on here, but thru family, friends, support networks, and try doing some pleasurable things for you!

Whether that's cooking, reading a book, gym or fitness, walking we all need something to help us stay balance. Sounds like life is chaotic, but your the pilot in your life, take control and focus on the little things and debunk what's not working or important in your life.

Best wishes, continue staying strong for yourself, my husband and your beautiful children.

Tough battles are a testimonial to our character! So I'm guessing your character is very very very strong.

God bless 🙏

[Dailystruggle]

Hey there! I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and tell you I get exactly how you’re feeling. My wife is currently in her second inpatient stay and there will likely be a third before she’s home again. This is an isolating and difficult time and there’s a big gap in our system when it comes to support for families who are just trying to carry on the daily routines. Something I find worthwhile is journaling. I often do it before bed - it helps to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head in a way that doesn’t harm anyone. It’s also ok to feel all the feelings- fear, anger, resentment, sadness etc - please remember that you didn’t choose what’s happening right now - but it happened and you’re the one dealing with it.