Abandonment, rejection and betrayal. These are the core elements of how I have been treated all my life. Now in my late 40's I am in a very deep, very hopeless hole. I am a sincere person, I don't like attention, I don't embellish or exaggerate but experience has shown me that when I share a fragment of my life to someone, they either don't believe me or remain indifferent. Then come the tropes and cliches. Or, because I shared 1 square meter of my million squared hectare past, they think they know me and understand. The most accurate way of knowing if someone is truly interested in you as a person is, they will ask you questions. 99% of people never ask, they either remain awkwardly, uncomfortably silent (time to change the subject and put on a cherry disposition), or they will impose on you their opinion. Their ignorant, useless, non factual opinion or, they will try to relate with their own story of the time they had this done to them once, or how their (insert person they know here) had similar or worse....blah, blah f**king blah. In saying that, think long and hard what you are going to type, if you feel the need to reply.
At age 3 or 4 one of my earliest, if not the earliest memories I have of my grandnotmother was of her being antagonistic to me. Zero reason. This individual was highly instrumental in breaking my parents apart by age 5. By age 7 I was incredibly weary of her. My researched best estimate is that she was either NPD or at least highly narcissistic. The psychological warfare she enacted upon me rips me up when I think how someone could do such things to a child, how someone could treat a child with such utter contempt. She was highly controlling and manipulative, having what is commonly understood as a co-dependent relationship with my mother although, years later I looked at it more as a symbiotic relationship. Something that later cycled down to occur between my younger brother and my notmother.
My notmother, I am confident, was BPD with high levels of narcissism. Possibly grandiose NPD with high levels of BPD, it's hard to say for sure, but she (as well as g'notmother) met all 9 criteria for NPD, whilst notmother only met 6 out of 9 for BPD. Needless to say home life was tumultuous, I liken my notmother to a walking tornado, she left destruction everywhere she went. I would jokingly ascribe the Loony Tunes character Tasmanian Devil to her, when trying to describe her to friends. Taz would move everywhere in a tornado tearing through everything until he stopped for those unaware of whom I am alluding to, leaving a massive path of destruction behind him.
Between the ages of 5 to 8/9 I was notmother's support at home. The man of the house if you will, with a false burden of responsibility. I could never be a child, let alone myself and was oft yelled at to "GROW UP!!" by NM and GNM and sometimes extended family. I loved and looked after my younger brother as best I could whilst also attending to notmother's needs. During this time GNM (Grandnotmother) was often present, continually throwing out landmines, of which I often blundered into. I was gas-lit, projected upon, slandered, abused, controlled, domineered over, yelled at, maligned, blamed, falsely accused and so forth. This was always, where possible met with resistance from me. However children are not great at articulating themselves, then throw in adrenaline and well...
I still hear the terror in my screams the first time he was violent with me. To this day, I do not know what set him off that night. Notmum had gone out for the evening, absconding her already non existent protection of her children over to her future husband. I have my suspicions that NM (notmum) had already fed SND lies about me. This is a relatively late suspicion only postulated these later years based on my research and study. I suspect that SND had told me to go to bed. My younger (2 years) brother was still up and at the table and I speculate I had questioned why he was sending me to bed before my younger brother. I was always a polite child so I don't think I would've had any attitude toward SND outside of the scope of a normal child asking such a question. This is all just speculation, I truly have no recollection of what set that ex NZ Police detective off that night, I just remember my screams of terror, looking up and trying to cover my head and face as this 6'1" monster wailed on me whilst screaming at me. The violence from this man would continue, at random, until I was 16 years old.
Between these 3, GNM, NM and SNM, my life at home was akin to a hostage situation.
The 3 headed monster, always lurking, always there, I must be on guard. It was the times my guard was down I would get the most savage attacks. I can think of no better way to describe this. One day, age about 9 we were at my GNM house and I had slowly, cautiously, left the kitchen/dining/living area where they all were, to get out of sight. This was a defensive measure I would engage anytime I could, if they can't see me then I might not be targeted. It didn't always work, GNM was very good at noticing and would actively look for and find me. This day however I found myself standing in front of a mirror and I said to my self "I can't wait to be older so I can escape these people". I could not grow up fast enough. The yearning for freedom I knew was waiting for me at the right age. Sadly one is never free from this kind of abuse. At age 13/14 I threatened NM with reporting them all to authorities as to which her manipulative response was (knowing my fears), "nothing will happen to us but they'll put you in a youth home and sexually and violently abuse you..." So, I didn't do that. Only a couple of years ago I learnt what masking was and realised that's how I survived. I survived, I escaped, my identity is intact, but, it is riddled with scars, I am not who I should have been, who I could've been, no, I am who I am and who I am is broken, alone and pointless.
What I have shared is one square centimeter of my million square hectare past. The abuse continued well into adulthood and my NM even managed one last swipe at me, significantly damaging me, from beyond the grave. In short, I found out my NM had died after she was buried and the funeral had happened and that my younger brother, got EVERYTHING (albeit within receiving his own version of abuse from NM) of the estate. An uncle (whom I had very little do with ever), my brother and my NM had conspired to keep any inheritance from me, by putting it all in a trust and they did a good job too. I got a very small %, maybe 5% as that was the only area they stuffed up, I was entitled to something, but that's all the lawyers could do. My NM died in October 2019. Growing up due to their symbiotic relationship, the majority of time and resources went to my younger brother. I was working at age 12 and using that money to buy food at school. My entitled, narcissistic brother, had everything given to him growing up and was still living with NM at the time of her death at age 42. I left home my senior year of high school...
6 days later I had to put one of my dogs down. 1 week later I tried to take a day off to attempt some sort of processing (I was driving 50T tankers), and called in sick. This infuriated a particularly nasty manager who phoned me up berating me even though I was doing things by the book. 2 weeks after that I received a "Gross Misconduct for abusing sick days" notice. In 2 and a half years I had taken 3 sick days. One for a minor surgery, the second was to bury my dog and the third was the one he didn't like. In all my working life I've never so much as had a verbal warning and now I'm getting this bullsh**. I had no mental or emotional capacity to fight this bullsh** charge and listened to my wife and a workplace counselor that told me to quit. Writing this now is infuriating me. All I needed was some support. Fight this and we'll fight with you. But no.
Finally for the first time in my life in 2021 I got to speak to a psychologist. I fought the psychiatrist, every step of the way as he was only interested in throwing pills at me. The only reason I relented was because my wife was a psyche nurse and I trusted her, but in the end I was proven correct. The pills did sweet FA for me. The talk therapy (psychologist) was the most helpful. Throughout the year I saw him maybe 20 times and it wasn't that he offered any insight (I am and have always been a very deep, reflective person and work a lot out my self), he understood me. He actually was an intelligent person and understood me. At the end of our 2nd 1 hour session he assessed that I may be ADHD. This was not what I wanted to hear and didn't accept this. During our 3rd session he went a bit deeper asking questions about school and early life, outside the home. Ok, so now I see that yes I certainly have mild symptoms. A lot of how I was/am makes a bit of sense. Still not satisfied, I researched myself. I conclude I am indeed neuro-divergent but I am not ADHD (nor Autistic). I know now that childhood trauma manifests in very similar symptoms, as well as having unique, non-ADHD symptoms. Emotional dis-regulation is very real for me. Due to the fact that GNM nurtured anger in me (she would literally wind me up as a child until I exploded in a ball of rage and then she would scoff and tell me I'm full of demons with a micro expression of contempt, that FU**ING smirk, on her face), and the fact that the only emotion I feel is grief and anger, I know things aren't as they should be.
January 2022. I leave home for 6 days. I do this because I am giving my wife time to think about things. Almost one year to the day earlier, January 2021, whilst I was in respite (something again I was resistant to but relented under pressure from my case manager and my psyche nurse wife), my wife allegedly attempted suicide. I say allegedly because, I can only go by what my wife described and at the time I had no reason to not believe her. However since, I have reasoned she said what she knew would get her committed. I was less than 5 mins drive from home at the time. I still to this day have not received a satisfactory explanation from anyone, why she did this. She ended up over 4 hours away in a psyche ward. I hadn't started therapy yet and was in a right state. I would ride my bike the 4 hours to see her, I was having flowers and comfort baskets made up for her and trying to keep her positive. I was scared. One day I was riding up and pulled over to have a break and there was a text from her saying the doctor might not let me see her today. Um, what? Why? Again, secrecy. I was beginning to get suspicious over all this.
Back to Jan 2022 and I now return home. Wife is not there. My 11mo old puppy is gone, the cat is gone. I check the bank account over half is gone. The last time I saw and spoke to my wife was when I hugged her and told her to be safe as I departed for 6 days. She abandoned the marriage. She abandoned me. I've never heard from her since. 10 days after her departure I received a letter from a lawyer and I've dealt with him since. We are now legally separated and in 4 months time I will be filing for divorce. 15 years. 15 years I supported that woman, I loved her, I trusted her and I 100% gave myself to her. She betrayed me more than all the other betrayals combined and I couldn't work out why. It was a phone counselor that worked it out.
When I married her I 100% stood by my vows. I meant every word. I did all I could to give her what I was able. She was also the only person in my entire life that I FREELY, gave myself to 100%. No barriers, no walls. Anyone else that had access to me was by default and I hid myself from everyone as best I could growing up and into adulthood. Masking. Now, because I was my true self, I feel so very, utterly foolish. I feel ripped off that she was able to have that from me. In contrast my wife, despite being in a safe, loving environment, where I listened, lead, loved her for her and so forth, never was open with me. I respected her and never pushed. I accepted her.
All the ingredients were there for a successful lasting marriage. After 15 years I told her. I have nothing left in my tank to give you. I am exhausted, you've given me nothing back, this has not been a reciprocating relationship and I need you to pull your head out of your ass. So she, like all cowards chose to run. Well f**k her and f**k you too if you think there was any abuse or anything untoward and it was my fault because not only was she revered, I have already (as you do when you're a scapegoat) beaten myself up over the potential mistakes I made. But that's the difference between men and women in general. Men take accountability for themselves, women don't and she never did. I am acutely aware of my shortcomings, my flaws, my weaknesses but I am also just as aware of my strengths and I can say my strengths out weigh my flaws by 10:1.
If I were not so resilient, I would be dead or, in prison. My life has been continual adversity and it has been walked mostly alone. I have no trouble making friends, but these days can't be bothered, people are so vapid and vacuous. Now I have returned to Australia this year from NZ, I was born in Vic but am now living in Qld, and I have struggled to find help, I have struggled to find work, I am homeless and jobless and I live in physical pain from past injuries as well as this mental injury I carry. I have never had a victim mentality, I have always looked for opportunity and found silver linings in the storm. But this is my last effort to reach out and try and connect with an appropriate professional. I know I have a lot of potential, despite being introverted, I am not socially inept in fact I am a confident introvert, happy, joyful and warm with a good sense of humour. But people think because I'm easy going and cheerful that I am weak. So they don't respect my boundaries. I have no tolerance left anymore for that so I will lash out in anger. Then people go all strange because I'm not the (masked) cheerful guy, I'm angry. Woah bro no need for such hostility...Well, what part of f**king no did you not understand the first 10 times I responded cheerfully?? People mistake kindness for weakness and I am not weak. But I am f**king angry.
Well, that is 1/1000000 part of my story. If someone knows a good place where someone will actually listen and at least pretend they care I'm all ears. Otherwise, all the best on your own journeys, probably won't hear from me again.
Thank you for your openness in sharing parts of your life. We won't even start to pretend we know you or we understand your pain. However, we want you to know you are not alone.
I'm sorry for the hurt you endured, at no fault of your own. It sounds like your NM and GNM had their own issues to contend with, and you were left with hanging from an early age.
Yes, you are a man. And YES, you do matter. Your honesty, protection for your brother and love for your wife shines through your post. I'm sorry about the situation your (ex) wife has left you in.
One quote I remember from a song is, "Why do bad things always happen to good people?"
You deserve better. You deserve to be heard and supported.
I'm glad you have found psychotherapy most helpful. Me too. I had my own abandonment issues to deal with, and it was the kindness of people and the psychotherapy that has gotten me to where I am today.
Hi @Honeybadger , I am very sorry to hear about all your trauma, abuse and suffering, and being homeless and jobless 😢
I am wondering whether you are persevering with your psychologist? I ask because I have had a lot of healing of my lifelong trauma through years of therapy with my psychologist. Of course I will never be fully healed and no doubt yourself also - some things are too damaging. However I've received a lot of validation and healing, enough to have a content life now, despite my 6 MIs (mental illnesses).
I hope you can also gain some healing through your therapy with your psychologist.
An important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.
I only saw the psychologist in 2021. During that year I made some really good headway. At home though I was watching my wife rapidly unravel. She had allegedly attempted suicide January 2021. She was a psyche nurse and we lived in a small town of 4000. Where she worked was the next town up, at the hospital. The only reason I got any help in the first place was by literally begging my wife to talk to her work colleagues for me. Being in the mental health industry she knew, and had friends such as psychiatrists, other nurses and doctors. That night as I was pleading with her it was breaking my heart as I realised she hadn't even considered doing anything for me and it would've been my mission if the tables were reversed. During our 15 years, she had first hand observed my NM and my brother abusing me, taking advantage, guilt tripping and so forth. She observed the impact it had on me every time. She was even the target from my NM a couple of times of which I, of course, jumped right in and shut my NM down. I went no contact with my brother in 2010 and my NM in 2011. At this stage I knew nothing of NPD, BPD and the like. I have been researching these things since.
I had one more session with my psychologist. This was already planned and the timing was such that my wife had left days prior. So, in that session I got one hour to talk about that and all I remember him saying was two things. The first was, unfortunately, therapy can break up marriages/families as often when someone improves the other doesn't like the "new" person (I never changed, I just started finding a bit of peace in myself), and is forced to consider themselves in the reflection of change now confronting them via whatever healing or attitude they are now seeing in their spouse. This revelation was of no comfort however.
The second thing he said actually was a reminder of something I had said to him waaay back in the start of January 2021 (this final session was early January 2022). My wife was in a psyche ward 4 hours drive away for a suicide attempt. Things weren't sitting right with me and what I had said was "I really don't know what to do about my wife. What to do about our marriage and how I can fix things." He asked what I meant and I expanded. "I've always overlooked minor things with her, things that in reality are red flags and that only began to manifest once we were married. I've always just accepted that was who she is and loved her. But the reality is such that she is sneaky, deceitful and completely closed off to me. I don't think she has ever respected me, she definitely doesn't trust me and no matter how many times I achieve, no matter how many times I come through for her, it's never good enough." I looked at the therapist and told him I don't remember saying any of that. He assured me I had as he had it all written down.
I tried to reach out to him later in 2022 maybe around March but he was unable (unwilling?) to help. Last year was incredibly difficult. I had already planned to return to OZ but not until the divorce which won't be until Jan/Feb 2024. Since arriving in March this year, 2023, amongst a multitude of other things I've needed to focus on, I have made numerous attempts to find help. No one seems to believe me or take me seriously. When asking a Dr. for a prescription for sleeping meds, (something I've been taking for 10 years now as I need to) he asked why I needed them. When I replied because I can stay awake for 40 hours no problem and that's not good if you've got a 15 hour shift ahead of you driving 65T trucks, he laughed. He f**king laughed. I have been to 4 different doctors and not one of them has asked questions. I don't present stereo typically as someone in need of help. I have become a master of masking, life is just easier to cope this way. I did manage to connect, after 2 failed attempts with an online counselor for one initial 4 hour session. I tried again sometime later and for the 3rd time with him was stood up/overlooked. I had signed into zoom and sat there for half an hour before I texted him. I got a phone call and an apology later that same day. Hence I don't matter. I know I don't. I have tried to seek assistance. But I am a man and we are expected to just get hard, get good and suck it up.
Hence I don't matter. I know I don't. I have tried to seek assistance. But I am a man and we are expected to just get hard, get good and suck it up.
You DO matter. I spent 18 years - years - trying different therapists before I found 2 good ones in succession and started to get the healing and validation I needed. Please persevere - it's worth it.
you have had your fair share of things to deal with. You matter and your story matters. Keep reaching out where you can, we have someone to connect with by any means here on this page...Contact us (sane.org).
Hey @Honeybadger - I'm back to see how you are going.
I'm sorry to hear what you have been through. It sounds so unfair that you are expected to 'man up'. Please know you are not beyond help. Many of us here have been told we are 'treatment resistant' (I have a strong dislike for the term), yet we are hear to share our stories of hope for when things get better.
It sounds you loved your ex-wife very much. Maybe she really wasn't well herself. Perhaps it's not a reflection on you whatsoever because it sounds like you did all the right things and you told her you just needed some space.
