Lived Experience Forum

[StanD]

Hello Everyone,

I don't know what you say. I don't know what anyone can say back. 

All I wanted to do is write. And maybe a voice or sign will tell me I'm not alone & everything is going to be ok.

Even I know that's not the truth anymore.

If it was going to be ok - it already would have by now. I can't say I didn't give more than everything I had. 

I don't want to share the boring details. A story of sadness. 

I'm shattered, embarrassed, ashamed to be me. Stupid for believing I would be finally be ok.

I built up all this momentum. I felt so undeniably sure of things. Then, to my total shock, the rug was so sharply & brutally pulled out from under me.

This was the furthest I've ever got.

I am 'safe' . 

I don't ever want to try again.

I'm tired. I'm offended, rights abused, no one. 

Confused. Lost all my confidence. Lost all my new friends I was making. Lost my happiness.

There was nothing different I could have done. I didn't do anything wrong at all. I feel like I did. I'm feel like it's all my fault. I should not have been brave ,& assured. I should not have assumed without verbal clarity. But I didn't need verbal clarity. I knew. I still know. I don't understand at all.

My heart is broken in a million pieces. 

I tried so hard. 

I saw all the light I needed & more.

I stepped into the light, knowing it was truth.

Now I'm in black.

I don't know why. I don't understand what happened. 

I don't need any more life lessons. I don't need any of this.

I am good person.

I don't even think I want people anymore.

I never deserved this. 

It makes me so sad, so lonely. 

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now, anymore.

I felt so happy my life was finally moving forward at a rapid rate. Don't things for me. 

Learning to trust & let others in.

Having fun. Being me.

How can the world be more than my best friend in one moment. And turn around & be so cruel. 

I don't know what to do anymore.

It's never going to change.

I don't want to be anything anymore.

I don't want to believe in friendship because they can't be trusted they don't help me. They are here only to hurt me.

They are pretend. They take me a magical place. I finally feel loved & cared for & then they treat me like trash for no reason.

I have been asking God & the universe for help for so long. It happens, & I believe im special, heard & seen. It's everything I ever wanted. The only thing I truly need.

I don't understand, why, suddenly, it is taken away.

Sorry.

[Historylover]

Walking the same path with you, @StanD.

[RiverSeal]

Hi @StanD 

Thank you for reaching out to the Forums!

It takes great strength to share our thoughts in such detail as you did today. Thank you for adding that you are safe in there as it is good to know! 

Our difficulties are halved when we share them with others and I hope it brings you some peace of mind writing down your thoughts.

Please reach out to crisis support services if you feel that you need to talk about these things as it can really help.

Lifeline: 13 11 14, www.lifeline.org.au 

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467, www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au 

1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732, www.1800respect.org.au 

Kids Helpline (up to ages 25): 1800 55 1800, http://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/phone-counselling  

Emergency: 000, www.triplezero.gov.au/triple-zero/How-to-Call-000

Take care

RiverSeal

[StanD]

Thanks for replying @Historylover it gave me comfort to know you get what I'm saying. Obv. it's not ok.

Even a reply seems to help a little.

I'm here if you want to chat more about what you are going thru. It might be good to support one another? I need reassurance that I did nothing wrong. 

The circumstances are shitty.

I have been very unfairly punished.

And it's like my stupid positive brain wants to find a different perspective. This will teach me bla bla la.... Or if this didn't happen, i would never do, meet, find bla bla bla.

Yep, how do you reckon I got this far? 

That kind of BS has a limit.

Oh, & then we should consider Nelson Mandela. We should consider Jesus. We should consider the exceptions, the Buddah "life is pain.'. Bla b... ...

It's too boring. Lift me up, drop me, lift, drop ad nauseum.

Hope . Good for the exceptions. The ones who changed the world & ' dreams '

Let's not talk about the billions & billions that gave & held more than Jesus & Mandela bla ....yet hope & perseverance & dreams & belief essentially changed nothing at all.

Is that what we believe? Some people are stronger, better, more connected to supreme enlightenment. They become saviours & heroes, legends. The druggie on the street, homeless, starving, invisible..... Oops, not enough in that one.

I would prefer if I could express myself without the tone, sarcasm. I'm not trying to offend any readers. Stop reading now if you are not in the mood!

@RiverSeal Im getting encouraged by talking with professional.

Those are not appropriate. Not suicidal. Or, if I am, I wouldn't waste my energy on topping myself because people are ass holes. I would do it because I would choose it for myself. 

Currently not choosing this route.

There is nothing wrong with me. 

The best phone experience with professional is sane & 1800 respect.

Neither fit today.

I needed a push to know it's ok to reach out.

I like that you said I was brave for expressing & all the other things.

I am brave. It does me good to get this reassurance. 

Why can't the world be full of things I know are good?

"Well done ""StanD"" , your are doing great job. We are with you, however you need. We support you. We will never hurt you, betray your, confuse you, make you question, test your limits, stand over you.

"We will only ever lift you up & make you feel good about yourself. The world is yours. If anyone tried to mess with you, or disrespects you, we will take care of it. You don't have to ever fight or feel bad again."

Where is this world for me & @Historylover & yada yada?

Why can't I just have good, decent, supportive, uplifting people around me at all times?

I put up with so much crap @RiverSeal 

Why can't a world exist where people are just good & I knew they are good & they encourage me & support me like you have done now.

The only exception would be that you listed suicide numbers. Tells me I can't trust you.

And that is my ongoing silly space 

I need the support. I need more. I need full support.

[Historylover]

@StanD, I am in a low mood at the moment, and much as I'd love to stay and help you, I have to excuse myself to protect myself today. We can talk another day.

I hope you can calm yourself, step outside, breathe, and take in a bit of nature.

Slow down, @StanD, and be kind to yourself. I can only send my best wishes at this time. 

P.S. Are you in Alaska?

[tyme]

Hugs @StanD ,

It sounds like there is a lot happening for you at this time.

Please know you are not alone. 

We are here to listen. 

Please take care,

tyme

[StanD]

Thanks @Historylover I can't support anyone either today, maybe never.

I'm barely existing, barely able to support myself.

It's the story that never ends.

Self care, slow down. 

Not to minimise these tools or offend you. 

I can't do it anymore. 

I can't take responsibility for my own health within a world that constantly ignores & brings me pain.

I don't want to fight to be ok.

I am ok. I'm fine. I'm perfect exactly how I am.

I can be slow or fast. I can be still & moving. I can practice 'self care' & it's all nonsense.

How can I ever defend myself or feel safe in a world that will always have the ability to hurt me, shock me, frighten me, abuse me, violate me, refuse me of basic human rights?

Who do I talk to about fixing any of this. It feels like these are the basic foundations we need. Maybe then, can consider luxuries of breathing.

I have looked at all the angels. Searched my mind, my heart my soul. Listened to the words of prophets, God angels & humans, nature & animals. Been in the vast awe of knowing & silence. Staring at truth. Not merely welcomed, or invited. Embraced, showered with adoration. To Belong.

In another word. Home. My Home.

Love. Calm. Excitement. Peace. Silence.

I don't want to do this anymore. 

How can I belong & know. 

And be told- no, forcibly removed?

Its mine. 

It's my home. It's where I exist. I don't have to ask to be in my home. I know this. 

And yes, home is where the heart is. In a sense we carry our homes always no matter where we are. They carry us.

I can't see why I can't get there. Why am I suddenly being refused entry to my home. And how is that even possible. 

I know it's not.

It makes me scared and very confused. 

My own power has been taken away. I didn't give it away. It was taken. All I want is to go home. I don't have the power to get there. 

[StanD]

@tyme maybe I will one of the crisis numbers. I can't make sense of any of this right now.

I'm in Australia @Historylover 

[StanD]

I called triage @tyme the lady was kind and made me feel better. 

I'm feeling fragile after the events of last night. She understood.

She suggested I call my friend & see if he wants to go to the park tomorrow for a walk. Not to discuss problems, get out of house & do nice thing. I don't him very well, he seems to be the only person around I have his number. I have number of one other person as well. I don't know either of them. I said to triage lady I felt uncomfortable calling these people because I didn't want to burden them with my problems. She said it's not a be burden, that's what friends do for each other.

I tried calling him now to see if he wanted to meet at park tomorrow. He is not answering.

What time are you on till tonight @tyme ? 

I feel like I need lots of support at the moment.

[StanD]

I don't know if I'm meant to keep calling people or if they don't answer, it means but they don't want to talk to me. And I should just wait & see if they want to call me back? @tyme 

I don't want to feel like I'm desperate or not cared about. 

I would like it if these people reached out to me, & asked me if I'm ok. Or invited me out to do things with them.

It feels like I'm always the one chasing other people. But people don't put the effort in to see if I'm ok or need help.

I don't know if it's better to wait for people to call me. Or if I keep calling them?

I understand with crisis numbers I can call them whenever I need. 

I don't understand if it's the same or different with normal people?

I wouldn't like it if someone harassed me & kept calling me.