Hi all, I’m 44 years old and this week diagnosed as bipolar after an exhausting journey. I’m already have 3 incurable but “manageable” conditions so I guess this just adds to the set.
As strange as it sounds, my BP diagnosis was a relief. The earliest symptoms I recall were in my late teens and until the past two years, the symptoms have largely crept beneath the surface. While my inner world has always been akin to riding a dragon, for the most part I have been able to maintain an external demeanour of some level of normalcy. I was “helped” by a very complicated childhood trauma history which led to me installing many trauma survival strategies and defences, mostly revolving around my mind. From before I could walk or talk, I could completely disconnect my mind from my body so I didn’t need to feel painful emotions or physical pain (I was born with mild CP so physical pain has been a constant companion in life). My mind also mastered being able to file trauma fragments as they occurred behind a steel wall between my conscious and subconscious mind. My other strategies revolved around assimilation (remaining hidden in plain sight) and hyper awareness.
My defences were first breached in 2008 which led to a year long depressive episode which I put down to the repressed trauma although it’s now clear it was off the back of an extended manic period. Since then I have oscillated between periods of my defences operating and periods of adrenal fatigue in which my defences failed. This all came to a head in early 2022 when all my defences fell simultaneously due to burn out. What I believed was the repressed trauma finally breaking free was in fact a series of manic & depressive episodes. I am only in the very early stages of understanding but it appears that somehow my trauma defences masked my BP symptoms and somehow managed them for me through large periods of my life.
Everything derailed a few months back when I had worked through all my repressed trauma but was more physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually broken than I have ever been. It made no sense. I reached breaking point last weekend and finally told my doctor about a couple of key things that would have led to a much earlier diagnosis but I hadn’t told anyone, ever, due to shame & embarrassment. Until this week I don’t know that I was ready to face it.
I started my healing journey to live at least a day without the weight of trauma and to find the real me that I hoped lived behind the trauma and all my defences. All I have ever wanted is control of my own mind & heart both of which had been stolen by the worlds greatest thief - trauma. If the real me behind the trauma has bipolar then so be it - I’m ok with that. I’m not saying it’s ideal but at least it’s me and not a product of irresponsible adults that should not have had children in their care.
Luckily, although that seems a strange term in context, one of my lifelong conditions is similar albeit a physical condition. It’s all about smoothing out the highs and lows and operating within an acceptable range. I’m hoping that experience helps in learning to live with bipolar.
Thanks for reading - I don’t know much yet but I will learn. One step at a time seems like an appropriate life motto for now.
