Hi @Till23, sorry about taking a while to get back to you. I've had a few appointments and support groups stuff to attend to, as well as my partner's father has, and still is, in hospital. So a lot of stuff going on at them moment. And obviously spending this extra time is a hospital, even as a visitor, can take a bit of a toll and brings up a lot of things.
You definitely sounded fired up! But everything you said is true and o much of this is so neglected, misunderstood, and dare I say... intentionally ignored. Getting professional support is a task in itself, getting that support who understands and doesn't dismiss how you feel is another thing entirely. A quick tip for any counselors/psychologists out there... If you have a time limited session (which most are), don't ask some deep question or delve into something important when there's a minute left, so that the other person can really start to discuss it and dig into some thoughts and feelings that are confronting... only to hear "sorry, that's our time!" soon after they get started talking about it. And if one more 'therapist' tells me that 'anyone could be gone tomorrow' I'm going to scream. I'm fully aware of the point you are trying to make, but you know it's not the same thing! It doesn't help!! There's a reason we don't all lay awake at night worrying about being hit by a bus the next day, or some other freak accident.
I had an appointment with a my counselor a few days ago. We were about 10 minutes into our 3rd session and i talked about how I was feeling like my thoughts and general motivation and outlook hadn't really improved and that it all still just felt numb and the same overall sense of inevitability. So she asked my if I felt like I hadn't improved since our first session. I've had 2 full sessions, with a little bit of the third... the first one was mainly going over my situation... and now i'm supposed to be doing better? Maybe she was just clarifying how I was feeling, which is fair enough, but it just brought back that feeling I had a year ago when I was pressured to discharge myself from the onco-psychology service I was using at my local hospital. That same feeling of "do I need to pretend i'm doing better than I am next session?" returned and the past time I just gave up psychology all together. But that was straight out pressure to not come back and there wasn't much room for interpretation. The "you're making me feel bad because you keep coming back and I feel like i'm not helping you" followed by "You're using these sessions as a crutch, because you know you can just keep coming back, so you're not trying to improve" is that sort of read-between-the lines subtlety that even a social inept fool like myself can detect. If you don't feel like you can help me, TELL ME! Be honest FFS. I'd much appreciate and prefer that so I can move on without being made to feel like it's all my fault or my failing. But... you know, I wouldn't want to make you feel like you had a bad day at work.
Okay - <deep breath>. I was just going to mention what the counselor told me on Monday and how it brought some stuff back for me... I think I blacked out and just kept writing at that point! 😌
Anyway... you mentioned you got riled up for your previous post. I get that. 😁 And don't worry, I doubt you could write anything that I would feel is 'too much'. That's not a dare by the way. 😀 As @AuntGlow mentioned, it is great to have someone to talk about these things, because there's very few people who will. Even other people going through cancer can be very reluctant to talk about the really challenging stuff. I wonder if a lot of counselors/psychs understand that they may only see the worst of us. By that I mean we have to maintain this positive, optimistic front with so many people and that when we get to talk about our struggles with a MH professional it all just comes out. Our lives aren't all thoughts and feelings of doom and gloom... but they are there at times, and what better person to dig into them with?!
I think this is why I feel like the clinical psych i've been seeing over the past few months is so good. We do talk about the good things, but we also talk about the things that really upset and worry me. And she doesn't dismiss any of it. Ive never felt once talking to her that I wasn't improving fast enough or that I was struggling too much. The only real issue I have is it can take a while between appointments because she's so booked up. My last appointment was 3 weeks ago, and the next available time was in 4 weeks from now! So it can be a fair time between appointments.
Speaking of appointments, how did you last one go? You mentioned that it may be your last one. Are they giving you any more? Assuming you wanted to continue them of course. I know i'm counting mine off until my last one, but it's made somewhat easier by knowing I can hopefully see her for another 10 visits next year. Or if I do need a few more this year, I can just pay and take the financial hit without getting anything back from medicare. Hopefully she just doesn't leave or get a job somewhere else.
I did watch that ABC program after no being completely convinced I should. It was emotional, but not too much. It's definitely such an important story to tell and just how much damage the neglecting MH support with, not just cancer, but so many things can bring. Maybe this can shine a bit of a spotlight on it and bring some much needed serious discussion on the subject and maybe we can start to see some more positive changes.
As soon as she talk about about being at that ABBA tribute band concert and her husband said it wasn't his thing and left, I just knew where it was going and I thought can it just happen like that? I know they talked about him having issues with depression before he was diagnosed, let alone started on ADT, but you can't help but think about what was going through his mind when he told his wife he didn't want to listen to the music anymore. It's that pressure that just builds and builds. And is exacerbated by trying to keep the pain to yourself. If that story doesn't tell the need for far better MH support, I'm not sure what will. It brought to mind someone I know. He just finished his 3 years of ADT late last year. He actually asked to finish it 2 months early because he'd had enough of it. His PSA is now creeping up but he says he definitely doesn't want to go on to ADT again. So hes been looking into all these herbal supplements and remedies. I worry about when the PSA gets too high and he's face with that choice when he's told he needs to go back on it. Either he'll decide not to, and with Gleason 9, it would probably be bad news. Or he will decide to go back on, but the depression may get too much a 2nd time on it.
I hope you're doing okay and once again, I really appreciate these chats with you and its great to know you find it helpful to share these things with me as well.
