In hospital

[BlueBay]

@Appleblossom how did you 'let go' of your family.  I struggle so much. I don't know how to let go.  And I really hate when people (some friends) tell me - just move on!!! If only it was that easy.

How did you accept it?  I know for me there is so much hate, betrayal, abandonment from the ones that are my parents.  And as a child that's who I needed when I was abused.  But now as an adult, I still want them but maybe it's the 'inner child' in me that needs them.

I am going to take it easy at home.  I am home tomorrow as well and back at work on Wednesday.  And then it's Easter so I'll have a nice little break before work again.  If I struggle this week at work I will take time off.

Take care, and thanks for understanding

[Appleblossom]

The best thing that helped me was when a Buddhist nun explained the concept of Metta mediation .. she said imagine if your needs were met,  imagine how you would olike to feel ... well that is the essence of metta.  I had that conversation 20 years ago.  at that time I was still trying to make my family of origin and family of creation work, but when I could I tried to practice metta.

In our imaginations we can focus on good things we have experienced and felt, regardless of who has betrayed our needs.

I dont believe it is the same for everyone .. some find value in muslim or christian or new age forms of prayer.  Metta worked for me and I have tried most things.

The yogic idea of letting thoughts come and go and watching them mindfully but practising self compassion has been the mainstay of my mental or spiritual practise. 

The letting go of family was harder and more brutal ... it took decades to get over the facts that I had been rejected and blamed for things that werent my responsibility.  Until 5 years ago I still tried with my surviving sister, mother, aunts, surviving sister and biological daughter.  I would torture myself putting myself out again and again. 

They werent a block against me per se .. they were all separate in their own little feuds and worlds and I wanted a big happy family. That was my illusion ... they werent capable of it ... apparently. Since mum's death and my son's episode, I just have to face that I am alone and I only have my son as family.  What the heck.  its a lot easier not to have to worry about so many people. I am ok in my conscience as I did try and move heaven and earth for a good family and have mainly to look after me now.  Over involvement in anybody's life takes away their sense of agency.  It creates dependence. I am finding a reasonable balance with my son and we both know it.

Each person's journey is unique .. and your family connections are different ... you do have to listen to your heart, body and mind.

Believe me i had an aunt tell me to get over all the deaths .. when she was cold and heartless and selfish ... now I think do I really want such attitudes around me ... the answer is no .. I am better without that family ... apart from my son .... what happens with my daughters ... may change in the future and i am open to them ... and it is my ethical responsibility to be so ...  but they will have to make the moves now and I will respect my own dignity too not take too much abuse from them any more. 

i dont know whats best for you ... nurture your own longing for them ... be your own spiritual mother and father ... address it as the attachment linking part of yourself ... by whatever forms of self development you have found that works.

I had to do it with my father anyway as he died when I was 11.  So it was fait accompli

Take care

[BlueBay]

@Appleblossom 

I really like the way you have explained it. Thank you.

You sounded like I am at present - wanting a great family, wanting everyone to talk to each and be one big nice happy family - but - reality is - it's not.  All my siblings don't talk to each other and now out of 3 other siblings only one sibling talks to my parents.

Self compassion - that is really difficult to do.  My therapist asked me to try self compassion mindfulness which I did but it was too raw for me so I stopped.  But maybe one day I can do it again.

I know deep down that I am better off without my paraents especially my controlling and manipulative mum, I just don't want to reconcile again for the sake of reconciling.  No way.  And if it means I don't get to see my dad, well I have no control over that.  In my heart I have done and said nothing wrong to my parents.  It was my mum who yelled at me (when I told her of my memories of abuse) and it was her that told me I have betrayhed the family.  So I know in my heart that I have done nothing wrong.

I guess I still need to find 'myself' and what I want.  I need to find a balance of how I can live my life without my parents; but I guess I am already!!

So I really need to start focussing on my three adult children and my husband.  It's that every now and then my dad pops into my head - and this is where I need to sit with it and let it pass. 

I will try next time it happens.

Thanks again @Appleblossom, I appreciate your reply.

Take care.

[BlueBay]

Home from hospital Monday night and I thought I would be okay to go back to work.  How wrong was I.

I got to work and was finding it difficult to talk as my chest felt heavy.  I struggled for a few hours, then decided I was going home.  i have decided to take tomorrow off as well so I can have a good break with Easter as well.  I am not back at work until Wednesday next week.

I just hope I don't get any worse otherwise I may have to go back to hospital.

[Drac0]

Take it easy @BlueBay, your physical health is an important part of being able to care for your mental health.

Take care. 🙂

[Appleblossom]

Definitely take it easy @BlueBay

You push yourself very hard. With the mindfulness ... I couldnt do it deliberately at first, but when I found myself .. momentarily in a good mental space ... I kind took a mental snapshot of it and kept returning to it ... for quite a few years I was too pressured and mentally in a whirl to do it .. but lately I am back to it again ... things have to be fairly settled for me to be calm ... and I only have one other person in the house with me.  You have had sooooo much going on ... take your time and listen to your body.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Appleblossom

I know I put too much pressure on myself; I expect things done straight away and expect everything to be okay and better asap.

I was thinking before - gee I wish I was back in hospital. I don't know if I can handle going back to work on Wednesday.

I feel I still need time to myself.

With regards to the meditation - i again push myself where I think in my head that once I do meditaiton I will get the hang of it and that's it.  But no, youre right, you have to be in the right frame of mind.  For me, I can't just do it; i need to be calm and have a plan of doing yoga or meditaiton.  I will keep practising and hopefully one day I will get it.