Sometimes Life Becomes Overwhelming

[Decadian]

I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately -

One reason was computer problems - I was ready to go out an get a new one today - but my constant working with the settings and took the plunge and reset my computer - thinking I would lose everything - but I seems I might have lost my pictures - everything else seems to be here - maybe I will find the pics

And I have been wiped out since I saw my psychologist - talk about forgotten memories - they keep tumbling out of the past - and I am tired out - and my head aches and I cry sometimes

Years ago I was in hospital after surgery - and I was awoken by an elderly lady crying in another room - and the nurse said

"I bet if your mother was over 100 years old and totally dead and you never got on with her you would still want to see her right now"

And the old lady cried "Yes - Yes - I want to see my mother before my surgery - I want to"

I get it - I felt like that myself - I could never talk to my mother and it was not my choice but hers - and I can reflect that I gave her the last word, I didn't argue with her and kept away until the end and do not feel any guilt

But sorrow yes - I have feelings of sorrow  - and these funny, sad, angry and painful memories come back - and I don't want them - and I am wondering how to get rid of them

Perhaps I am seeing my mother now - and in touch with memories I had forgotten - I had also lost touch with my feelings at the time - and yet I also see a preteen caring for her younger brother - and protecting him - and he was a silly boy - I kept him out of trouble

And as the years past we still had to live at home but we found a lot of useful and interesting things to do and grew up - and I know he is badly scarred by our experiences -

Still - I think I have my computer running now - and I think it might be time to replace this one - and I have missed this forum so much - I am glad I got it running today

Also - the website overseas I am in is having different issues and I don't want to say what they are - in private with a website co-ordinator would be great - but not posting in the open forums - one never knows who else is behind an avatar

It's late - I watched a long movie - and I am going to bed - I spent a long time on the computer last night trying to fix the settings - so I need sleep now

But although I seem to have fallen off the map I haven't - this is a fantastic website

Decadian

[Appleblossom]

I wondered how you were going @Decadian.  Glad you perservered with computer and had success.  Mine is old and I should probably at least wipe the hard drive.

I also have sorrow about my mother but not guilt.  I was a big sister who looked after a teenage brother who was a bit scarred and did silly things too.

At the moment I have been having dreams about family I have been cut off from (daughter and aunt).  I think It is a good sign that at least they are in my thoughts and my subconscious is working through stuff.  They are not very disturbing dreams a bit matter of fact, just a weird jumbling up of traits and issues from my real life, so far any way.  There is nothing further I can do, and I am at peace with that.

I hope your memories are not too intrusive and able to be integrated: the funny bits wiping out the painful bits.

So glad you havent gone away.

I always wonder how people I have talked on line with are going.

How are you @GothMum @Former-Member and @MoonGal.  Thinking of you all.

[MoonGal]

Hello @Decadian, so glad you were able to do a reset on the computer, if not a reset on memories.

I sometimes wish I had a ALT+CTRL+DELETE for my mind (or particlar memories) I would so love to go through all my Mind's folders and move much of my life's memories t the Trash bin. And leave the ownderful, the poignant, the beautiful. 

Yet, who are we and what would we be without these tumbling, churning, hard parts of ourselves?

So good to hear from you, and I hope you can retrieve your pictures. We recently paid $800 to get our very precious photos back that were on an external drive that died. ALl our Africa trips, pictures of our dear friend who died in 2008 - too precious to not retrieve. 

Hope this old PC manages to keep chugging until you can replace it. Good job on getting hte techy stuff one and reenegaing here, in a fit of madness a while back I wanted to delete everything I had ever written here on the forums, I contented myself with going through edit and removing all the images (WTF? hahaha) I am so very GLAD of this community.

Good to see you again. Problem with forums is that when people you care about drop out you have no way of reaching out... 

[MoonGal]

PS: Thanks @Appleblossom for the tag very glad to be included.

[Decadian]

Hi @Appleblossom@MoonGal

It felt horrible that I could not get into my computer - I could find the settings - it was so little and would appear for a few seconds and was gone

But it seems I have not lost anything - except my security - I found a whole list of what was lost when I read the list of lost items

It happens now and again - I was in hospital a few years back - and I did not have my pretty basic phone set to email anyone to let them know where I was and that I was okay - I had let people know I had chest pain - but whatever was wrong - it was a clot in my lung I think - it did not help to be cut off from everyone and they were worried too

Apparenly I know more about computers than anyone else in my family - handy family anyway - so I learn by trial and error - and yes - I have put money aside for a new laptop - and it is time to update - new security etc

But it is glad to be back - very good - I feel as if people here really care and also - acknowledgements are handed out generously - '

So glad to be back

Decadian

[Former-Member]

Hi @Decadian....

Glad you sorted your computer....

Thank you for the mention @Appleblossom - it seems to always be you - thank you for your kindness...

I'm just feeling like I can't respond the way I want with compassion & insights to everyone's posts & replies, so I have withdrawn... I just don't have the emotional energy... I'm sorry... I didn't even 'go' to Friday Feast the last two weeks...

Sorry all...

Hi @MoonGal

Namaste,

A

[Appleblossom]

Maybe its just my way of keeping links with people I have had good online chats with @Former-Member .. hope you are still doing your yoga and running. 

We cant always be cheery or positive .. my mood goes up and down. I have run a lot of my race and lowered my expectations to a level where for a lot of the time I am steady and ok.  Today I used my carers voucher and went to a movie for free and took son for mexican in a cool chain that also helped Mexican homeless kids.  

@DecadianI can imagine you can work out computers. You have such a sense of solid follow through in all your posting. 

@MoonGal I had been cursory in searching forum and brief in posting. I had an infection last week and then a period of overwhelm re getting recognition for assault when I was 7 that I didnt know was assault.  The legal system is weird. But I think I have finally lost my case of terminal uniqueness .. of which I was unconscious.  I'll be doing some singing with my son.

Ciao

[Decadian]

@Former-Member

Never worry if you have the emotional energy to answer a post as you wish  - it takes feeling in some control of your own situation -

There are times when I can't get myself to a sensible answer - I have to leave it for a few hours - or a couple of days - before I respond

However - you do reply - and responses don't have to be complex - you are here with us and that's the most important thing

Decadian

[Tyler77]

Computers can be tough to deal with for sure.  

Glad your working things out and getting back on the forums.

My mom is one of the sweetest most hard working ladies I know.  We have a great relationship.  Still silly to one another sometimes.  But she has a incredibly powerful temper, an natural ability to mask her true feelings and drinks far too much.  She is in many ways bipolar in her anger issues.  She is either sweet as pie or bitter as orange peel....

I am the same way when I drink alchohol, so I don't.  Cause im chaotic, upredicatable emotionally.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member

I love your cat avatar.  Is the cat yours ?

Sometimes I just follow along a chat thread, sharing in the company but not commenting much, if at all.  The 'like' button is always there, and it lets others know you're around, as well as supporting comments you can relate to, without actually chatting yourself.

That's nice too 💜