Adult child with BPD

[Needhope]

Hi just feeling extremely helpless and hopeless.  I cannot see any hope, my adult child’s (they are 31 years old) BPD rages are so difficult, it is hours of put downs and anger and I don’t know what to say or what to do when we are in the middle of a rage.  Everything I say is wrong and I feel that I end up agreeing and apologizing for things that have not happened.  It is causing me so much distress for my child and I feel things will never get better.  I also feel distress for myself as I don’t know if I want this life.  It is just so difficult.  How have other parents coped?  My husband has received a life threatening diagnosis and there has been no compassion for him or for me.  This has been going on for a number of years and I don’t know if I have it in me to keep going like this.  My own mental health has deteriorated and I have been diagnosed with depression.  Can anyone please provide and suggestions how to deal with rages while still validating?

[Jynx]

Hey @Needhope I'm sorry to hear that things are so incredibly difficult for you right now. Sounds like it has been worsening over time too, wearing on you and your energy, especially with your husband's situation too. I will tag in @BPDSurvivor who is very insightful, and may be able to provide some support around what your daughter is going through. 

Does your daughter have much in the way of professional mental health support? Do you or your husband? No one deserves to go through these things alone, and news of a life-threatening illness can have huge impacts on the whole family. 

I think boundaries are also something to explore, if you haven't already. I've found a couple of articles about the topic here and here that could be worth a read. Boundaries are often reflections of our needs and personal values. A boundary you might set in this situation is that you will not engage in conversation with her whilst she is using put downs or making false accusations. We cannot force another to change their behaviour, but we can change our own - so your boundary might be that you will walk away from conversations that involve those things. 

Working on communication as a family can also be quite challenging, but there's support out there - Relationships Australia offer family counselling, for example. You and your family deserve support and compassion to help you work through this most difficult time.

[Needhope]

Thank you @Jynx for the links. I am seeing a Physiologist but finding it hard to implement boundaries and to deal with the unpredictability.  I feel I am constantly on edge waiting for the next episode.  I will go through the information and thank you for taking the time to respond.

[tyme]

Hey @Needhope ,

I'm sorry to hear of what is happening at home right now. It seems so difficult to always be on edge.

As someone who lives with BPD, what worked for me when I had rages. (in the past), trying to console or reason with me during a rage was like talking to a brick wall. One thing I advise people is, "don't strike when the iron is hot". When a borderline is triggered, they move from the reasoning brain to the emotional brain. If someone tries to reason with them during this time, I have felt that the rage increases and is prolonged.

What worked for me?

Boundaries were set early on before the rages began. e.g. "if you get in a rage, I am going to leave the room/house until you are ready to speak. I will text you after an hour, and you can choose whether to respond or not yet. This doesn't mean I don't love or care about you, but we need to put something in place."

What do you think @Needhope ?

[Needhope]

Hi @tyme  thank you so much for your response.  I do have great difficulty setting boundaries but am working on that.  Would you mind letting me know what help you recover?  What does recovery look like now for you? How old were you when you started feeling better? What type of treatment did you receive? I hope these questions are not too personal. I am so desperate for information and reading/researching everything.  I understand the importance of validation but do not know what to do when what is being said cannot be validated.  I try to validate the feelings but that just seems to make things worse.  The only thing that seem to work is if I completely agree and this is not always possible.

[tyme]

I hear you @Needhope . I was so desperate to recover that I pretty much stopped 'kicking' and just gave in to support. As much as I tried to get support in the past, I don't think I was really ready to make changes.

What helped you recover?

- hard work

- people setting boundaries

- people not 'giving in to me' when I was emotional

- people letting me know they cared, but giving me control over the situation. ie. instead of telling me to do something, they asked me to do it when I felt able to or felt ready

- giving me time to de-escalate, but coming back to check on me - e.g. I will check-in on you in an hour (and sticking to that! Even 1 min late could send me into a frenzy!)

- being empowered to recover

- space to recover

What does recovery look like now for you?

- I've passed the hardest point of my BPD recovery. I can live a very successful and fulfilled life. I love each day and can't wait to live. This is a vast difference to me hating life and wanting to die all the time.

- I still have things to work on. I have a lot of trauma associated with my MH that I am still working through. However, these things do not stop me from living a fulfilled life.

- I also know I need to work on relationships. I am very wary of getting close to people and trusting people.

How old were you when you started feeling better?

- My symptoms started when I was in my late teens (maybe 17-19 yrs) and I didn't start recovery until my early 30s. Looking back, I just wasn't ready. I had to really come to the end of myself before I could turn a corner in my life.

What type of treatment did you receive?

- My main therapy was Mentalisation-Based Therapy. It was 18 months of intense therapy to really 'change my brain' - or better, to change my thinking patterns. So it was about 1 hr individual therapy and 1.5-2 hours group therapy each week. There were also 6 weeks of psycho-education as well (if I remember correctly).

In terms of validating your son by agreeing, it may not be the most conducive to recovery. He may realise that everyone else is 'wrong' while he is always right. Hence, there's no need for things to change. Hope that makes sense.

Please take care. Look after yourself.

[Needhope]

Hi @tyme thank you so much for the information and advice. I appreciate it so much.  I am happy to hear you are enjoying your life and wish the same for my child.  Thank you.  

[tyme]

While there's breath there's hope @Needhope 

I actually moved away from home to 'recover'. Why? Because it meant I could no longer blame others for everything that went wrong.

Since a trail of rage and emotional turmoil followed me the whole time, it meant I was the common denominator. There was no point continuing to blame others for my hurt.

At the end of myself, it was then that I could reach out and really get the support I needed.

Underneath your son, there is a lot of emotional hurt. At the same time, he probably feels deeply. Remember, you are at the receiving end of most of these rages because he is closest to you.

During my acute BPD days, I would be 'perfect' and hold down a job. But as soon as I was around familiar people, I turned into somewhat a beast. The worst of me came out.

Just hang in there. I'm sitting with you.

[tyme]

How are things today @Needhope ?

[Needhope]

Hi @tyme thank you so much for checking in.  I am trying very hard to feel better and work out how to set boundaries.  I hope you have had a good day.