Hate choices

[Former-Member]

Sorry sometimes when I see black writing and ranting gives me air.

Last year has been my biggest battle with depression. I came close to death numerous times but saw a little bit of light to seek help.

I've been seeing help weekly for a few months now and on medication. I was starting to function. I could breath, I could work and I could think clear. But I still did not fit in. I still felt like a mistake. I just felt like a functioning lost person. I just still didn't grasp life and how it works nor was excited by what I saw.

I'm now off my medication but still seeing my specialist to figure out the way I am and I don't like. He dosent know I'm not taking them. He won't talk to me about deep stuff with me not on them as I shut down for weeks. I don't think anyone really does. I don't like to have to be told this event has made me like this. I don't like things I could not control made me messed up. It makes me mad and think we'll it's not my fault so why do I have to fix it. Can't I sucker punch the idiots who did this to me and make them pay for everything in my life because of them everything's to hard and hurts me. Yes a lame weak cope out but that's how I feel.

I'm noticing myself turning into my old self but I'm also very in-tune what triggers me off and hiding from it. But at least it feels normal. I've also taken back to pain killers and self harm but again it's what I know and understand. I feel my screw everything and do what I feel is right temptation getting stronger. Last night I went a bit wild and upset my husband and I had a light bulb moment, I don't deserve him. He dosent deserve this and he never comes into my temptation thoughts. I shouldn't hurt him.

So I'm at a cross road. Be functional in a world I'm not accepted by or really want to be accepted by as people bore me or just live day by day and what happens happens and understand there's no turning back from the things I will lose and hurt.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member
I can relate to the feeling of choices and crossroads. Most of last year I felt so out of control and having to decide/choose anything was overwhelming 😞 I had a great psychologist who really helped though and she let me focus on what I needed to just to get through things. Ie not the past stuff that caused the damage just whatever www going to get me thru the week.
I know that when I was really low my thoughts and feelings about people around me and how I felt about those people can be really different to when I'm not as depressed or anxious so I would maybe say not to make any big decisions about people in your life until you are feeling stronger and better because you worth more than you think right now. You are a good person and deserve to be loved and love someone else.
Lj

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

I'm really glad you shared this with us all. It can be really hard being on the recovery road - we all have these expectations, -

expectations of what it will be like to feel well

expectations of what life will be like

expectations of how long it will take

expectations of the progress we will make.

But what I've learnt is that it's never perfect. There are hiccups, dissapointments and broken expectations.

On the other hand, there are also some great things on the recovery journey. You get to see your potential, your plans come to fruition, enjoy things you may not have otherwise, notice your strength etc. 

It's never one or the other - it can be messy and it can be great.

It seems like what you're describing is very black and white - it's either this road or that road - you can swtich roads at anytime, there has to be room for grey.

Regardless of which path you take, it's so important to be honest with your specialist. Going off medication without consulting a specialist can be really harmful to your mental health, and your specialist can't assist you effectively if they don't know what's going on.

Would I be right in assuming your specialist is a psychiatrist? Are you seeing a counsellor or psychologist too? They can provide very different forms of therpy than a psychiatrist. 

[Appleblossom]

Somehow @Former-Member I sense great strengths in you, just by the calm honesty with which you post.

I have to say that I agree with you about many things in your post.

Eg., The sense that we have to do extra work to fix things that others have caused but also act in the world in a way that we are not hateful or vindictive when justice does not occur.  That we are treated as defective when it was the abuser etc.  but I do not want to increase your sense of outrage ... and anger can be both magnified and downplayed.

Regarding your light bulb moment with your partner. We cannot know the right answers, as it is your life, but I got the idea that you really love him, so dont be too hasty in making changes. 

If its any consolation, I have had a very long recovery journey, but I am glad I made it.  Yours will be unique and the way you craft your own life journey is in your hands.

I hate too many choices or often think that choice can be an illusion ... so I make the little choices that are possible ....

Good Luck .. You have many positive qualities ... your partner probably sees that.  Yes its best not to hurt our loved ones, but some hurt is inevitable .. as pain is prevalent in life ... he may be resilient enough... I will be thinking of both of you.

[Former-Member]

Hi LisaJane

I'm glad you had a great phycologist who helped you through your tough year. My physiatrist is trying to figure me out as a person and see why I react the way I do before we put strategies in place.

It may sound crazy but when I'm at my lowest I feel that I'm most honest with myself. Even though my thoughts are huge and crazy I think they are real and I'm scared if I get so called healthy and drugged I'm just going with the flow and not a true happy but just what the world wants me to be. Yer that sounds crazy but I don't know I just can't decide when to make a decision.

Hey NikNik

I'm loving and hating the road to recovery. I just don't like learning why I'm me and delving into it. It sucks. The only good thing that has come from it so far is I don't feel angry anymore which I love.

I can't handle grey. To me it's uncertainty and that's my most hated thing. I like to be on a clear path even if it's good or bad. I can handle very well been thrown from black to white and adapt fast but grey I go crazy.

I'm seeing a physiatrist. I don't think I could handle seeing someone else. I'm still ashamed and broke that I have to see someone and meant to be medicated. I saw him today and decided not to tell him I'm off my meds. I just want to see how I handle life and see if I can cope and OMG I broke down big time today to the point my husband came to my work to spend the night there with me and watch me.

Hello Appleblossom

Thank you for your encouragement

[Former-Member]

So I opened up to my husband about a few things in mind how I feel I'm a burden on everything. And it must be tiering dealing with me and I think they all be better off with out me. And that I just want someone to hug but I'm so scared of rejection and I hate looking weak. I'm a dam strong girl with zero weakness or issues. Then after that I said sweet pea can you please help me pack up and get off your phone I need to get home. His reply is angrily I spent 20 minuets listing to you talk and I wanted to go home and your rude not letting me spend a minuet on my phone.

I have spoken to no one in 3 days. I've decided I don't want friends or loved ones. I'm not going to be around I'm over being a burden they may as well get use to life with out me

[-karma-]

@Former-Member

I'm concerned about your closing comment

If you are at risk can you please call;

Lifeline

13 11 14

for a crisis chat?

or alternatively

Suicide Call Back Service

1300 659 467

I have also dropped you an email

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

You mentioned in your response to me that you are going to see how you go handling going off your medication. It seems like though, that things are slipping for you - both in your last post and your post before that, it seems like things are getting worse.

While it's really not okay for your husband to respond in that way, and have every right to be upset, isolating yourself and not speaking to anyone in 3 days shows signs that things aren't travelling well.

As @-karma- posted, there are crisis services that can help you if you feel like things are escalating, all of which have online crisis chat, not just phone counselling:

Lifeline 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back 1300 659 467 or online counselling

I'm really glad you're not isolating yourself from us - we are here to listen 🙂

[Appleblossom]

Please dont be hasty while you are off your meds @Former-Member.  You hacve been working so hard on your self and how you relate to others and putting all the pieces togeher.

You are a strong person.  There are many positives in being a strong woman but the socialisation of it can be a bit tricky.  I have felt like I dont fit it too ... but when you find your meaning and you tribe or your people ... things can be different.

I agree with @NikNik it was not good to have your husband speak like that,

Please let us know how you are doing when you are ready.

[Former-Member]

I'm still not talking to anyone. I just have nothing really to say to them and want to detach from everyone.

My husband is very upset about this. He's non stop apologising to me, writing me letters and honestly I've never seen him this upset. But I told him I felt like a burden to everyone and I just feel like if I'm not around people's life's will be better so I'm silencing my self out of there life's. I don't think he understands that and thinks I hate him.

I've been trying to keep really busy though. I'm some how still working. I like structure. I'm going to art galleries, reading books, dining out at my favourite restuarnts on my own and drawing. It's keeping my brain at least in a grey spot and not black.

I'm just taking it day by day and see what happens.