I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’m not safe @Jynx Ive taken my meds and think I should go to bed. 

About 15 years of it! I still struggle with mashed potato but if you put both together on my plate I’d probably vomit. I can eat baked potatoes but not boiled. After she stopped mashing them she would boil them and the pumpkin. I have really bad food memories from childhood. When people talk about their mums cooking and how great it is, I have nothing except her curried sausages. 

Yes.. my space is mine. I don’t like having to share it. I don’t like anyone coming around. I feel so uncomfortable and then it takes me ages to feel safe in here again.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 sounds recovery-focused to me! I am sorry that you don't feel safe darlin, but glad to hear you are taking those steps towards bedtime, and a fresh start tomorrow. 

Oh hun, I am so sorry you went through that!! I know I have had to work really hard to overcome a lot of my food-related trauma, and I think there's elements that will never go away. Like I hate ordering stir fries from take away shops sometimes cos they cut the veggies too big! I have to take to my pad thai with scissors lol 

Our spaces are sacred. Not even being poetical - safe shelter is only one rung above food water and air on maslow's hierarchy. We NEED safe spaces, spaces to call our own, where we are basically the boss!!  

I will bid you nighty night my deary, I hope your meds are making you nice and sleepy!! Chat tomorrow if you like 💜

[Captain24]

At least I got that recovery-focused thing right @Jynx. It’s getting a bit much how much time I’m spending in bed. It’s like I’m always there. But it is safer for me. 

I have a lot of food issues. We had a baked dinner at one of my uncles houses about 2 years ago and he asked if I wanted roast turnip and I said yes please. Dad turned and looked at me and said I wouldn’t eat it. I always worry about trying new things as I was always told ‘you won’t eat that and I’m not wasting money on it’ If I do try something and don’t like I feel really guilty and shame myself. 

Cut up your veggies? That sounds different but if that’s what it takes to forget food memories then that’s what you do. I can’t eat 2 things in a fork. I have to eat one thing at a time. Like if I order chicken schnitzel chips and salad I have to eat all the salad first price by price then the schnitty then the chips. I can’t have some of the schnitty and a chip at once. Plus if I don’t like the texture I can’t eat it. I don’t do anything that is soggy. It makes me heave! 

I need my safe space and so do the dogs. They don’t like people here either. 

My meds knocked me out pretty quickly. I’m going to miss my sleep meds when I get off it. My GP said it’ll take months to get back into a sleep routine when I’m off them.

Would love to chat tonight. 

[Captain24]

I think I just did a recovery focused thing. I’ve just been shopping and got decent food. I’m having a roast tomorrow with veggies and I have a pasta bake to make as well with veggies. I also bought a multi-vitamin. 

I have to try something. 

I have lunch today in the park with all the family that is visiting. I’m a little (or maybe a lot) stressed about it. I really don’t want to people but I really want to see my aunt and uncle. 

[Captain24]

Ffffuuucccckkk everyone is coming to my house. I don’t want them all here. So pissed off. I’m not even ready. I don’t want to do it. I can’t cope with it. 

[Captain24]

I’ve done all I can do. My house isn’t perfect but it’ll have to do. I can’t wash the floors as they won’t dry in time. It’s pretty cold here. That’s why it’s at my place and not the park. 

Now to breathe my way through the extreme anxiety. My heart is racing so hard it feels like is going to pound out of my chest. I’m shaking. I’m sweating. My head is pounding. 

Sorry it’s not recovery-focused but I’m really stressed. It’s ok though cause no one is reading. 

[Captain24]

They have all gone. Now I can rest but feel wired. So much going on. My uncle said I looked well. I guess I hid it pretty well. 

Now to get through dinner at the Chinese tonight. 

[Jynx]

Hiya @Captain24!! Just curious first off, what makes you say your post wasn't recovery focused? 

Sorry to hear your space got invaded after all. The quiet sounds nice, but energy lingers hey. Much on for you tonight?

[Jynx]

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@Captain24 wrote:

Cut up your veggies? That sounds different but if that’s what it takes to forget food memories then that’s what you do. I can’t eat 2 things in a fork. I have to eat one thing at a time. Like if I order chicken schnitzel chips and salad I have to eat all the salad first price by price then the schnitty then the chips. I can’t have some of the schnitty and a chip at once. Plus if I don’t like the texture I can’t eat it. I don’t do anything that is soggy. It makes me heave! 

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OMG yes this is me ahaha. And within the salad, I will eat all the bit separately too!! Always least fav to most delicious hehe. I wondered if it was an autistic thing but maybe it's a trauma thing 😅

[Captain24]

I’ve had a lot going on and probably said too much on here @Jynx. Just whinging isn't recovery-focused. I’ve whinged a lot. 

I do the same each bit of salad separately including least to most favourite! I was wondering if it was an autistic thing. I’m beginning to see some traits as I look deeper into myself. 

My space feels violated. My cousin was really nice and her kids are lovely. We are all going to dinner at the Chinese tonight at 5:30 but it’ll probably be an early night as the kids go to bed early. I’m hoping so. 

I think I might go and try and wind down and rest. 

How are you going?

And thanks for listening