I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hi @tyme 

I was at work last night. It wasn’t too cold it only got down to 1 degree and there wasn’t a nasty wind.

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 you survived the shift!! it was a hard one, and you made it through. those animals come out of nowhere don't they!? 

choosing to wash those so you can stay cosy tonight honestly sounds like a nice idea! it's hard when you've got sacrifice sleep for comfort, but it doesn't make you stupid. i've sacrificed my sleep to get things done too, sometime it's like my brain won't shut off unless i do it? maybe its something we both need to work on, reminding my brain to rest first. do you also have time to take a nap/sleep after you've hung them out to dry? 

[Captain24]

Roos are really stupid @rav3n. They jump straight out in front of you or they see you and jump right not the side of the car. They get run over at work all the time. You’d think that they could hear and see the big yellow truck! The emus though… they just look at you and just dawdle on past. I’ve never seen one run! 

I am stupid. I’m lying in bed and I’m so wired I still can’t sleep. Pix is lying on her back snoring away and Jett is curled up into a little ball next to me. I’m so tired. There’s something about finishing the last night shift and me not being able to sleep. I think it’s that I’m unmedicated but I barely got out of bed last week and slept most of it away.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? Why does everything always have to be so hard? Is it just that I deserve it? Is it that I’ve done something wrong and being punished? Is it because I’m a bad person? 

Lots going through my head and I can’t stop it.

[rav3n]

@Captain24 yes so true! it's so frustrating when they give us a jump scare at night. i don't think i've seen an emu on the road before, but i see they've got the classic freeze response haha. i have seen a lot of foxes run off onto the road too, but i find that they're a bit quicker at least.

hmm yeah maybe it's the unmedicated part, it's hard to tell sometimes. all the more reason to be gentle with yourself - sometimes the things making you feel tired and awful are things that aren't in your control/you have limited control over. it's not your fault, and it doesn't define you either. i'm really sorry that those thoughts are popping up more strongly. even if they pop up more often/more loudly, it doesn't make them true.

from what i know of you - you're not a bad person at all, in fact - you are such a kind-hearted person. you've overcome so much, and it might not be easy to believe right now - but you're such a strong person. what's one thing that might make it easier to quieten those thoughts and help you sleep? maybe some music? a grounding exercise?

[Captain24]

I’ve hit a few foxes in my time too @rav3n. I nearly hit a wild pig one morning. That woulda done some damage. 

I’ve dozed on and off over the last 2 hours. Every time I nod off I have a weird dream and it wakes me up. I use to take a pill that would help me sleep but they are the ones I’m coming off and the one I took was actually extra to my regular meds. So I’m actually withdrawing from my med and from the addiction.

If you knew what my thoughts were talking me to do you wouldn’t think I was strong. You’d think I was weak and pathetic. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 omg a wild pig too! yep, for sure could've.

ahh that makes sense! the wired up feeling, the tiredness, the thoughts being stronger - they could all be impacted by the withdrawal... which goes to show its not you, it's your body working on re-adjusting. please do be kind to yourself 💗

i know you've mentioned having really dark and heavy thoughts - having these thoughts don't make you weak!! you're here, working hard on getting through the day and staying safe, even at times that you don't want to be - that shows a lot of strength Cap. i've never thought of you or anyone in this community as 'weak', not even for one sec!

[Captain24]

It’s dangerous driving to work! @rav3n and that’s just the wildlife not me or the other road users.

Im outta bed. I had to feed the dogs. Lunch was late for them but they now have full bellies. 

Im going to try and get dressed and go food shopping. I promised my dietitian that I’d eat one healthy meal a day and I’ve done it while I was working. But I don’t know if I can keep it up. If I have food here it might be easier. 

At least it’s something I can do to distract me from my lack of safety. 

[Captain24]

T/W SH

I’ve done my shopping so I have no excuse.. I have proper food. Now just to be bothered to cook it. 

I avoided so many people in the supermarket but I got to the self-serve checkout and the girl there came over and talked to me the whole time I scanned my shopping. Then talked to me when I was trying to leave. It’s so hard to have to be nice. 

My washing didn’t dry. That’s not a surprise though in this weather. A bit annoying though. It’s even the little things that get to me. I feel like a failure because my washing didn’t dry. I’m such an idiot for thinking that. But that’s what I am. 

I haven’t SH’d for 3 months and now I’m sitting here with a really strong urge. 

[rav3n]

i hear how strong those urges are at the moment @Captain24 how can the forums support you right now?

what's been helpful in reducing the SH urge in the past? would cuddling Pix and Jett help a little? reckon its time to give a crisis line a call?

i know those thoughts and feelings can be overwhelming, we can perhaps work on a grounding exercise if that helps too? you're not alone, we're here for you. 💗

[Captain24]

I don’t know @rav3n. Just to know that I’m not alone and that someone cares. 

I usually just give in pretty quickly. Jett and Pix are both on my lap sound asleep. Which I guess is kinda good as I don’t want to disturb them. 

I don’t have the energy for a crisis line. I don’t have the energy to talk. I’m not trying to be difficult. I know that’s not recovery-focused. I can go if you want

Im not very good at grounding.