Acceptance is hard work

[rav3n]

@MissinTooth sorry to hear this week's been a big struggle, sounds exhausting. i hope you get a chance to rest up and recharge. totally okay if you can't chat about it right now, we're all here for you. 💙

[MissinTooth]

@tyme can we chat over here? You have good timing! 

I don't know where to start? Can you? I have a 15 minute drive home, but if you can kick it off and I'll reply once I'm home. 

I've been anxious about this...for some reason. 

[tyme]

Sure thing 🙂 @MissinTooth  Take your time. 

I don't know where to start either. I just know you've been working so hard at your recovery so I want to make space to see how we can support you as a community.

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I...don't know how to ask...to ask for what I need from the community. 

I'm so...I don't know if self-conscious is the right word, but I go one of two ways...

One, if it's anything like this week, I've had days where I reach out because I'm afraid of the track my thoughts are going down, and sometimes I don't know if I can keep myself safe. I get so...deep in it that I don't know how to communicate that and so...I don't say anything, but just hang out and talk because I don't want to be alone. 

Or two... like last night, when things shift and I start to revisit those thoughts...sometimes, something inside me convinces me it's best if others don't have to deal with my moods and attitudes and I run. I know it doesn't make sense - because the thing that's been setting me off is that I feel...unimportant and irrelevant. I don't feel seen or heard. I've tried so hard to reach out for support for my studies and it's been really hard. Again, I don't know how to ask for what I need and basically they can't help me because I don't have a diagnosis. There's nothing. And as a result, I just feel like...I don't matter. And then, like last night that starts to creep over here and...it's noone's fault...it's just my mindset at the moment. And I think...that no one else needs to deal with my moods and the way they're fluctuating, so I leave. 

And I know...I've had chats with the PSW about the guidelines, but I don't want to lose this place so I'm super conscious of not saying or doing anything that crosses them, but that's hard for me to figure out how to reach out...

Also...when things aren't great, I don't really reach out to you guys when I know that I should I see how busy you are, what an amazing job you're all doing to support others and help them through tough times and I don't want to distract from that, from people who need your help and support. 

I get lost in the social spaces because I get overwhelmed with a lot people replying to things...I don't know how to interject and I often feel lost in the conversation, especially if it's something that's ongoing. 

I'm rambling and really struggling to be articulate, I'm sorry. I don't think it's anything the community can do, I think I have things to work through...

[tyme]

@MissinTooth ,

I wonder if it's about starting small. Small steps. One at a time.

When reaching out for your studies, when I've found is that course co-ordinators do what they can for their students to pass. They are often so receptive to providing support. And you don't need a diagnosis for this. Maybe start with an email (if you haven't already)? e.g. "I'm finding this unit quite heavy and wouldn't mind some guidance around...."

As for support here on the forums, it's okay to make a 'mistake'. I've stepped in and made doozys in the past. Yet part of this is showing my vulnerabilities and that I'm human - certainly NOT perfect!

Go slow my dear... one goal at a time. We can't focus on every goal at the same time.

What is your one main SMART goal you'd like to focus on? Then go from there?

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I don't do small...my life seems to only have a big, hard and fast and no...small, slow and gentle setting. 

I don't know one thing to focus on...there are lots and it's overwhelming. 

With my studies I emailed student support. They suggested I apply for...something that allows me extra time and extra supports but I have to have a diagnosis and a letter from the doctor to prove how it impacts upon my studies. Because I don't have they yet, they suggested I just focus on my assignments... I have one this weekend, I tried to get an extension for it but it was denied because I don't have supporting documentation. Now, the window of opportunity for extensions has closed. It just feels too hard. 

That's the thing that I struggle with - being vulnerable. It doesn't feel natural. It feels like a battle within myself. 

[tyme]

I wonder if a letter from the GP helps? Just to show you are requiring additional supports due to your mental health. YOu don't need to go into any specifics. DO you think this is an option? @MissinTooth 

I hear how though things are for you, and honestly speaking, these assignments are stressful.

If you get a medical certificate, I'm sure you can submit that. You can't help that you need some support for "stress"? The medical cert doesn't have to say that. I think the certs may say, "...is not fit to continue their usual studies from .....[date] to [date]"

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I'm hoping it's an option. 

I just...I don't know if you've read my barriers to seeking support thread, but this is something that I'm trying to do for myself. I have an appointment with a GP on Tuesday to ask for a MHCP. Going to the GP itself is a challenge for me, without lowering my guards enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. I'm hoping that I can get myself through the doors and not wig out on them. 

[MissinTooth]

@tyme @AuntGlow @Jynx I know it's super early and you guys aren't around yet, but I want to ask for a favor? 

I've woken up feeling a bit rough and really vulnerable. My thoughts aren't kind. I'm okay. I'm safe and will try to reach out for support if I need it. I have the numbers. I've done some meditation, and some breathing and am moving gently through the morning. I'm going to focus first on meeting my physical needs like coffee, breakfast and a shower. Maybe take the dog for a walk to try and shift some energy. 

I just...I have a big assignment due today and I need to work on that - get it done and handed in. But I also acknowledge that it's really hard on me at the moment and leaves me kinda messy. 

Can someone touch base throughout the day? I don't need lots of ya time because I know you guys are busy, but just someone to like...hit me up every now and then and be like, "hey, we got you. How's it going?" Kinda thing. 

I hope it's okay to ask?

[jazz]

Hey there @MissinTooth I am moderator on for a bit till the others join. Thanks for reaching out and sounds like you have done some great work at using your skills to stay safe, it can be tricky when thoughts aren't kind, but youve got this.... I remember doing assignments when having other challenges and what worked for me was regular self care breaks during the day, even a few minutes to pat and cuddle your dog, I write this as mine is currently staring at me... they are the best. Remember you have got this and been doing it all this time, you can get through today and get done what you need. 🙂 whats the assignment topic... maybe we can help!!