Running

[rav3n]

oh 😔 i guess i was wrong about her. @avant-garde i do think her choice of words weren't the best, and i can see how invalidating it would've been for you to hear. 

sounds like her intentions were perhaps to encourage you to accept/ask for help more, but it came across as her assuming you're prideful? does that sound right? (pls feel free to correct me)

[avant-garde]

@rav3n she literally said I was lacking humility

I'm just terribly scared, they're my church and I've had so much trauma with churches that it hurts. 

But after her being in my house I was terrified after the seizure, that her pushiness pushed me over the edge

She basically told me it was pride 

[rav3n]

i'm so sorry she made you feel this way @avant-garde it absolutely sucks when people assume things our qualities. were you able to chat to her about your point of view?

with her presence being physically and emotionally overwhelming, are there boundaries you can place to keep yourself safe from her? 

[avant-garde]

@rav3n yeah briefly, but she's very adamant if you know what I mean

Yeah and she pushed hard against them yesterday, I think I succeeded yesterday

[rav3n]

yeah, it can be hard to change their minds hey. @avant-garde 

good on you for holding your ground, definitely a win! i hope she doesn't push like that again though.

[avant-garde]

@rav3n 

It just frustrated me and I should never have to prove myself to someone, let alone a friend! 

[rav3n]

exactly!! @avant-garde it's already exhausting having to stand up to others, you shouldn't have to feel that way with your friend too. 

how are you holding up today? did you have a lot on?

[avant-garde]

I wish I could say that I was ok

But I'd be lying

I wish I could say that I was fine

But I'd be lying

I wish I could be as free as a bird

and fly through the trees and sky

I wish my life was different

and still I wonder why

Why does life hurt so bad

when so many misunderstand

what different does a family make

when all your life you've been a mistake

if my life could have been different

if people could understand

I'm not proud or arrogant

I'm scared and they don't get that

I keep my mouth quiet

I battle with inner thoughts

the pain I hold inside

Is deeper than most know

But still I keep on going

Still I run the race

Still I look over my shoulder

Still there's such disgrace

But I may never know freedom

I will likely still run

I hold all of this hurt inside

Until my days are done

Whether people notice

Or people think to care

It's life and I know it

Though sometimes riddled with despair

It's assumed that I'm just too proud

That I can do it on my own

But it's more that many have let me down

In their attempts to help

When "help" is in fact "control"

And "help" is how I'm "wrong"

help is something that hurts

Worse than doing it on my own

[AuntGlow]

Thank you for sharing this @avant-garde. Your words are always so raw and powerful. 

Have you found creative writing helpful recently? 💛

[avant-garde]

@rav3n but I get it you know? she's one way and her best intentions hit me hard.

She asked me to try and "get over it quicker". I'm sorry but this is MY journey and MY life, like it's MY house and I deserve to feel SAFE in MY house, and with the sheer amount of unseen consequences from a result of her "best intentions", she will likely never be someone I consider SAFE in MY home!

And so I told her.

Yes you came over hard when you helped me "sort out" my house. And yes that resulted in a 5 minute seizure. And yes I didn't go because she asked me (in guise of my churches "event team") to bring my own food, and admitted that she pushed her "bad feelings" on me that she didn't want "another episode" of last time when she felt "quite distressed" when I got upset that they didn't get the ingredients list from the butcher that meant I couldn't eat anything.

It very much was all her and she thinks I'm the proud one!?! Dare I say that she's wrong!