Cptsd caused by parents and money matters

[Twizzy]

Hi, 

I grew up in a family where both parents are verbally and physically abusive. My mother still oversteps the boundaries - what should I do ? because on one hand I would like to own my own house one day and I can't see this goal achieved without some financial support from my parents.  At the moment she is looking to put my name on grandma's house in joint finances with my aunt, while it's a practical idea I still feel the hurt that both of them caused many years ago when they cohearsed to do something which I still hate them for.  It's not money related but it stems from the same trigger of being cornered/trapped. If I end up having to owe money to my mother I feel she would need to run this through my dad is the physical abuser and who I have the most resentment. 

[tyme]

Hey @Twizzy ,

I'm sorry to hear that growing up was so difficult for you in your household. It sounds like it still affects you to this day.

Out of curiosity, have you ever seen a financial manager? You may be surprised with what you can do. 

I can't give you advice on what to do, but just to say, if I were in your shoes, I'd rather have the independence. 

I own 2 houses, and it gets very messy when you name is shared on a property. e.g. in terms of insurance, rates, mortgages etc. 

But as I said, I'm no expert. This is purely from experience.

[Velvet_VanDetta]

Hi @Twizzy 

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation...

On one hand, you are hurt by the actions of your family both in the past during your childhood, and also now when you are older, and on the other hand you feel like you rely on them to help you to get financially ahead in life.

I can really sense your conflict over this, particularly with your concerns over 'owing' your family. 

While I don't really have any magical answer for you on what to do, perhaps a way to think about it might be 'what will help me feel safe?'  

That might mean accepting money from your family in order to buy your own home in the future, enabling you to become more independent.  Or it might mean the complete opposite, where it feels safer to not muddy those waters by accepting money and breaking that link...

Does any of that resonate with you?

VVD

[Twizzy]

Hi,

Thanks for the question about finance manager. No I have not.

Are finance managers expensive? What do their fees range from? 

[Twizzy]

With the last point do you mean " by rejecting the money instead of 'accepting'?

[tyme]

You know what @Twizzy , I actually have no idea. However, I attended a financial wellness talk about 2 years ago, and I learnt so much from it. 

They said that most people grow up to think that to have financial wellness, you need to work hard and what you earn you keep. However, she was sharing all the ways that you can actually invest and make money out of money, because the money you don't do anything with is actually costing you money.

Since then, I've looked at investments in terms of shares which they recommended, but I'm not ready for that yet. They said you can't invest money which you need to spend in the next 10 years or so...

Let's just say, the talk was very enlightening. I really learnt a lot. Unfortunately, I can't recommend anything here on the forums, but it's good to look around. It makes a huge difference e.g when you work and salary package, invest, look at your credit score rating etc.

[tyme]

Hey @Velvet_VanDetta , I believe @Twizzy 's post above was for you.

@Twizzy , when replying, if you type "@" in front of someone's username, they will get a direct notification 🙂 e.g. @tyme 

[Valiant83]

There are ‘professional’ advisors who charge a fee but there are also free ones available through community agencies … we have one associated with the children & family services in our town (rural/ regional) … only one 😏 coz we’re rural/ regional! Not sure I should post the actual details but if you Google ‘free financial counselling’ you’ll get a few options 👍🏽

[Velvet_VanDetta]

@Twizzy

Sorry, yes I meant not accepting the money and breaking the dependent link with your family.