@Dimity
...feel like a lone crusader ... re pet greenie projects ... me too. I thought I had found a friend but she was brittle and fiercely defending her community status (she had just gotten an award) and putting me down ... tellling me what to do, without a clue what she was talking about. so thats one off the list of potential friends.
My personality is weird, in that I generate a lot more hopeful thoughts than depressing thoughts. Cant get any worse keep a look out for something good, be hopeful etc, but today I stayed in bed almost to 3. I just could not get moving, but eventually dragged myself out and did my stretches on the floor. Which bit of me does not hurt ... ha ha. My depressive thoughts are seriously extreme tho, but also tied up with grief and weariness from hard work.
I have withdrawn from one section of my court garden and handed it over to the lady whose property borders on it. For 20 years nobody had cared ... but new lady is a gardener ... so I said it was all her responsibility ... as by law ... her verge etc ...
I have not done much at my physio garden this year, mentioned I should do something, but the practice manager just reassured me it was cold, and I did not have to get out with my spade... so she was appreciative and decent and warm hearted. Been going to that practice since before covid.
Last night I sat next to a lady who knew the fellow who interviewed me for my BMus just after my brother's death (1995). I am grateful to him and the tradition of church music. I had to do more singing than I ever intended to, we had to join and conduct choirs etc. He was always kind and I ran into him periodically since, tho not since I have joined the forum. He would be very elderly now. I was not physically very weel... neck and stuff as well as grief and baad marriage but I clung to it, and now I look back I have have had nearly 30 years of exquisite music. I always feel on the outer as most people in the scene have very privileged lives, but I am learning to set my liines in the sand ... dont boss me around too much ... you will get far more value out of me. The connections go deep even if they are not real friendships.
There was another dude who I recognised, you know that feeling, where do I know him from ,,, he had been a teacher of my mother. So I weirdly I felt very anchored last night during rehearsal. It was in a city church I had never been inside before!
Re public transport. I had 3 conversations last night. I think I really would have gone psychotic if I had not had my train conversations in last 20 years. Somehow ity allows me to speak freely .... before I was catching the train... and just in my car and more isolated .... I was speaking out loud and to myself a lot ...
All 3 conversations were with males ... I started one cos I heard a gay copuple listening to piano music on their phone, said I was imporessed they were listening to quality. Others started the other conversations. People are very lonely ... Eg a group of yo9ung males were being loud and my eyes must of settled on one as he was doing pushups. He said Dont look at me like that, and I said without thinking ... you are acting like a pork chop people are going to look at you. He then said he was a stoner and I was a loner ... and I said 'Honey you do not know what I have gotten up' to! Then he followed me on the platform calling me Mrs Doubtfire as a compliment ...lol I just uttered what came out ...
On the way home, a drunk man sat opposite me and was needing to talk and all over the place ... only on cider ... but weirdly I spoke to him .... and broke down many cultural barriers ... he was grateful. All he could see was white lady and black man. I was pretty blunt but also light hearted.
Am I fearless or mad ... probably both ... at the end of the line I said the conversation was over and he was not to follow me and he respected that and wanted a hug ... yep ... so daggy apple gave him a hug and told him about my very big son. He did not have a home and was living on the train for a bit ... sad.
