Chronic Jealousy, emotional abuse & control issues

Hi @CourtneyJane you have been going through so much and we are so glad to welcome you here on the forums, please if you have a moment, please introduce yourself here Welcome! Introduce yourself here 🙂 - SANE Forums

@CourtneyJane It is really hard to control that jealousy because there is usually a lot of hurt in the jealousy. Often the other person might be behaving in ways which create that feeling within us. I really love the idea that you mentioned about just focusing on your own wellbeing, even if it is around weight loss, making it something just for yourself, something to make you feel healthy or happier. Once you are really engaging in things you love to do perhaps some of the focus will not be so much on the other person. But hey it is understandable that you are struggling 💜 we need to know that people in our life can be trusted. Look after you and know you are valuable.

Hey @CourtneyJane 

Thank you for having the courage to share your story so openly. It takes a lot of courage to put this all out there, especially when you're feeling stuck, and I want to assure you that you are in a safe, kind, and judgment-free space here 💚

Hearing about what you went through as a kid and in your past relationships sounds incredibly heavy. Being severely bullied and then surviving emotionally and physically abusive relationships leaves deep scars. It makes sense that your brain and nervous system went into survival mode back then to protect you. And what you're experiencing now, the intense chronic jealousy and the urge to control your environment, is rather a normal trauma response. Because when you have been hurt deeply and replaced in the past, your brain will hyper-focus on potential threats to keep it from happening again, even when you're actually in a safe and secure relationship with a new partner (speaking from my own experience).

Your self-awareness is an incredible strength. It takes immense bravery to look at your own behaviour, recognise that it has crossed into being controlling or hurtful, and say, "I want to stop this." Acknowledgment is the very first step toward healing. You are not a bad person; you are a person carrying a lot of unhealed pain who is trying to protect her happiness using the wrong tools.

So, since you've tried traditional therapy and SSRIs without success, and you mentioned turning to alcohol to cope, it sounds like your nervous system is constantly in a state of high alert. And when we find ourselves trapped in that space, we can't just "switch off" our thoughts. I do have some ideas for things that may help you.

When that intense urge to stay home or check up on him hits, try to pause and take a deep breath. Ask yourself: "Is my husband doing something unsafe right now, or is my past trauma screaming at me?" Acknowledging that the fear belongs to your past, not your current marriage, can sometimes take the edge off the panic.

I understand that leaving the house feels impossible right now because the anxiety is so high. I have been there myself to the point where I didn't leave the house for months. Try starting incredibly small to rebuild that trust muscle. Can you step out for a 5-minute walk down the street while practising deep breathing? Show your nervous system that you can leave, return, and everything is still okay. Gradually increase the time as you feel ready.

I know you mentioned drinking your feelings away, which usually feeds the cycle of anxiety and shame the next day. Finding alternative ways to self-soothe when jealousy spikes, like journaling those raw thoughts or grounding exercises, can help you ride out the emotional wave without turning to substances.

Since traditional talk therapy didn't hit the mark (didn't work for me either, honestly, but everyone is different), you might want to look into frameworks specifically designed for trauma and shifting deep-seated behaviours, such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), which focuses heavily on distress tolerance and emotional regulation.

Please be gentle with yourself today. Change doesn't happen overnight, but you've already taken the first step by reaching out here 💚

Welcome @CourtneyJane 

Hello @Tolly @MatchaToad @moderator 

May I respectfully bring to your attention that reporting weight, BMI and weight loss data contravenes published Community Guidelines.

Might I also say how disappointing it is that Community Guidelines are being administered so inconsistently of late, and that even flagging posts for the attention of moderators has no effect. I realise there have been staffing cuts but it's affecting the safety of the Forums.

@EternalFlower @Bow @Flutterbug9 

Hey @Dimity 

Thanks for the tag. You're completely right about the guidelines. I can see now the post has been edited, not sure if a mod did it or if @CourtneyJane did it 💚

As a Peer Guide, I don't have the ability to edit other's posts/comments, so I rely on reporting posts because that's all I can do sadly.

I completely understand the frustration with the delays and inconsistencies, it's impacting me too.

I appreciate you @Dimity 💚

Hi @Dimity 

Thanks for flagging this, and I do hear your frustration here.

I can understand it would feel really disappointing when you take the time to report something and it seems like it hasn’t been picked up quickly or consistently. We really do appreciate you looking out for the community and bringing things to our attention.

We’ve reviewed the post and it’s now been edited in line with the Community Guidelines around detailed references to weight and body measurements. We’ve also replied to your email about it as well.

Thanks again for taking the time to flag it 

@CourtneyJane @MatchaToad @Dimity 

Its also that a mod reviewed the post and engaged it which is worrying. It is not our role as peers to moderate the forum

@EternalFlower @Nala2022 @MatchaToad @Dimity 

It saddens me to see that the delay, assistance of mods and interruption of Community Guidelines has been raised by members as issue again 

@Flutterbug9 @CourtneyJane @Nala2022 @MatchaToad @Dimity im very comfortable sharing my own private recommendations for therapists and clinics but am anxious to do so for fear its against rules. I do not mind as long as im not currently in treatment wth a specific therapist or hopsital to recommend thise ive previousluly found helpful

I did not do so asni felt it was not allowed.

Please guide us onto how to safely share as we are confused.

To my knowledge, due to the forums being anonymous, members are not to mention details of specific therapists etc.  can clarification of this be provided by a moderator. I can’t find anything specific within the Guidelines that relates to this.

Clarification on this Guideline might be very helpful also.

Moderated

@moderator @EternalFlower @MatchaToad