Heartbroken and feeling grief

[deepfried99]

My partner is an alcoholic and has been on and off her sobriety for the last year or so now. The longest she went was 6 months. Over the course of our almost 2 year relationship she’s experienced about 4 substance induced psychosis, the most recent one being last night. In all of these psychotic episodes she becomes very emotionally dysregulated and hostile towards me - often believing I have cheated on her. 

Last night I brought her to my friends birthday party where there were lots of people all drinking and having a good time. We had started the night drinking together and I went off to go mingle. I was talking to a girl i had just met about our careers and it was a really great conversation that sparked a lot of inspiration and motivation for both of us respectively. When my partner saw us talking she had interpreted some flirtatious behaviour (which was not the case for neither the girl i was talking to nor me). This is when she began to spiral, asking me to admit I thought she was attractive and so on. The night ended very badly with half the people from the party and police being involved. Naturally i feel very embarrassed that she was screaming at me, crying hysterically in the street in front of all my friends. Luckily, they were all understanding and handled the situation (as most of them are nurses and front line health care workers).

Now, I am processing feelings of disappointment, anger, sadness, feeling let down etc.

I know she can’t change the fact this is mental health, but she can make informed choices with choosing to drink or take drugs. I know I can’t force her to change or make better decisions, and I also know I can’t be with someone who becomes so volatile, unsafe and unstable. It creates so much rupture in the trust in our relationship and it becomes exhausting. I love her so much, i can truly picture the rest of my life with her, but this kind of behaviour is so concerning and i feel so torn with what to do.

I have told her i need space and I’m not ready to have any long conversations, im just checking in occasionally to ask if she’s okay and tell her i love her.

This time feels very different to previous episodes. In the past i’ve been so angry and felt my body be full of hatred and resentment towards her. Now, I miss her and i feel so sad and heartbroken. i think i’m experiencing grief, does this mean my body heart and mind are telling me to leave? Am I preempting us breaking up over this? Somehow it doesn’t feel fair because it is mental health, but i also can’t experience something like this again. I’m at my limit.

[rav3n]

hey @deepfried99 i'm so sorry to hear about the heart break you're feeling. trying to support a loved one who is struggling with their sobriety and mental health can be challenging for both you and her, and it's clear that you care so much for her. is your partner currently receiving any professional support? 

as hard and painful as it is, you only can do so much. like you said, you can encourage her to look out for herself, avoid drugs/alcohol, etc., but at the end of the day, you can't control her actions. i imagine having to see your partner experience substance induced psychosis multiple times, would be overwhelming and exhausting - it makes a lot of sense to feel grief around this too. i can't say that grief is/isn't a sign to leave someone, grief can mean many different things to people. sometimes i've experienced grief over not being able to 'fix' or 'change' someone, and knowing that they'll never be the person i want/need. what i can say is, your mental health and safety matters too. i hope you're getting time to look after yourself and recharge, i imagine it can get draining at times and its super important you get your self care in too. it's hard looking out for others if we're not tending to our self too.

so glad you've reached out, here for you 💙

[deepfried99]

@rav3n thank you for this response. I made the decision to end my relationship with her over the weekend and it was really hard. I do think I needed her to change and I read somewhere that if you need someone to change they’re probably not your person. I still have a lot of love for her and I think she’s a beautiful wonderful person, I just can’t be in her close circle right now. It’s scary not knowing the future and I haven’t been feeling much emotion. Mostly just numbness and dicossiated. I have a lot of anger and fear creeping up on me too and I can feel my body has a lot of anxiety in me so i’m exercising everyday. It doesn’t feel real that I might not ever be with her again.

[rav3n]

@deepfried99 break ups are awfully hard, i'm sorry that it had to come to this - sending you hugs 💙

the 'not knowing what happens next' is tricky, but for now, i hope you take things one small step at a time. it's okay to feel angry, to feel fear, to still love her - you went through A LOT and it makes a lot of sense to have mixed feelings. glad you're working on looking after yourself, exercise is my go-to for shaking off the anxiety and anger as well, i hope its been helping you.