5 months free from domestic violence.

[Curlycrochet]

I left in December last year, it hit me very rapidly that it was time to leave and somehow with a few days id packed up my life into suitcases, with a lot of help from amazing people I was getting my way out of Alice Springs and moved to Queensland. I feel like I'm stronger, a lot more grounded then I was around Christmas. I start seeing a psychologist tomorrow and I'm looking forward to that. I'm a lot more closed off than I used to be, no adding coworkers on Facebook or being as talkative. Im proud that I'm achieving things he said I never could, I'm on my way to finishing a Certificate III in Individual Support, I'm back behind the bar and having fun, I'm starting to get by financially. I really like this new life I'm creating for myself. It's not ideal living with my parents again. I have my moments where I question my choice to move home and not somewhere else. I am extremely grateful for the fact I had somewhere to go but strained relationships can be hard to navigate, especially when youre just getting back on your feet. My gp thinks I have PTSD, I get triggered by certain things, words and songs can bring on flashbacks. It's gotten a lot easier since day one but I think it's going to take a lifetime to undo all the damage I've circumed to. Rewiring a brain washed brain is interesting. Also no one warms you about the anxiety you feel having a relatively stable life, im still getting used to it.

Just needed to vent.

If you have read this far thank you.

• -Curlycrochet

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Curlycrochet and welcome to the forums

It sounds like you've gone through so much change and transformation in the past 6 months. I'm so glad that you've found this space and felt able to share.

I'm hoping that the psychology appointment goes well today, please feel free to check in here after if it'd be helpful. 

[Gypsie_6]

How did you leave??

[Curlycrochet]

@Gypsie_6 

It was like a domino effect. Our adopted dog passed away and then my Nan passed away, i spent time with family for the funeral and realised what the expectations were for when I got home and, without going into lots of detail, through his actions I realised that I was no longer safe with him and he had no respect for me (making my grief an attack upon him etc). I left a job a loved and then started to go through the house packing my important belongings. A co-worker allowed me to stay in a caravan on her property and someone I knew through my job gave me a cheap rental car to get around (my car broke down days before I left and I had to abandon it). My dad paid for a flight to Queensland and, after my friends helping me get my important belongings into 2 suitcases, I drove by myself to the nearest airport, a 4hour drive and then flew. I had to go on welfare, I received a leaving domestic violence fund that allowed me to get by and, after a couple months I bought a laptop so I could start studying a cert III. It was the hardest and best thing I have ever done. 

I now have a bar job, im nearing the end of my course and I've seen the psychologist again. It doesn't instantly get better, my skin crawls every time I pour a large glass of red wine, I had a panic attack last week when I met someone with his accent but I feel more myself than I have since I met him. I'm edging closer to moving in with friends and out of my families home. 

If you have any questions please ask away xxx 

Abuse is abuse no matter the form, unless you knew you wouldn't have noticed that what we had was toxic, I played the part of the happy fiance but im so glad to be alone. That was the fourth attempt at leaving.

Sorry for the long message. Be kind to yourself xxx

[Gypsie_6]

Thank you for your detailed reply, this is quite literally the most support I've seen from a stranger. So big love for that xx

I'm the daughter of a 15 year narcissistic abusive relationship and I am living with my parents (mum and step dad...who is the abuser and also the father of my brother).

We've tried so much therapy for him, all paid by mum and he gets better for a little while but I'm convinced that due to the narcissism it's purely because of the attention he receives through his therapists.

I've always been the sceptical child, always the quickest to hate after a bad stint and always the one to point out during the "good" times that it was probably just love bombing.

We had a really good 3 month period Andi was completely convinced I had a dad for the first time in my life.

My family fell apart around mums birthday due to the lack of care or interest in celebrating anything that wasn't centered around him. Pretty similar to your own experiences, he made it an attack on himself during a time that didn't revolve around him, so I am sure you know exactly what it feels like.

I am having severe panic attacks every time I am asked if I'm okay.

Something in me has snapped and I know that I am done with being in this relationship. I simply can't play daughter anymore.

I'm afraid mum will continue to be with him and that I will be stuck enduring this abuse, or worse, have the autonomy to leave, but leave her too.

I don't know how to end this.

We're thinking about blocking his number and buying a van, we can't get family help as we started traveling and are 2 states away from home (we started traveling, during the good period) so now we're totally isolated.

We can't have him drive us home, because that is a love bomb trap.

What Domestic violence leaving fund service did you apply to?? And how does it work??

What is your best advice for just cutting him off completely??

Thank you for the reply, I can not express enough gratitude xx

Gypsie

[Curlycrochet]

@Gypsie_6 

Oh lovely I am so sorry to hear everything you and your mum have been through xx

Yeah, I believe my ex-partner was a narcissist and he would do the same things, I just celebrated my birthday and it felt strange having my family go out of their way to celebrate it.

One question I want to ask, is your mum ready to leave? I only ask this because I had my family and friends urging me to leave for years before I did, I didn't leave until I knew in my self that it was time and when I was truly ready to go.

If you're in Australia I urge you to call 1800respect, they are beautiful people and gave me all the information I needed regarding the Escaping Violence Fund (often referred to as EVP). Unfortunately you can only use part of the fund as cash money, I got mine as a bank transfer so make sure you have a safe bank account. The rest I used for gift vouchers to pay for groceries, clothes, etc.

I went minimal contact when I first left to manage utilities under my name but now I'm completely no contact, have both him and his family, any mutual friends that turned on me blocked. It's best that way but I'm very fortunate that we didn't have children together, this may be a little trickier for your mum so talk to 1800respect regarding all this, they will give you advice on where to go from here.

Something I wasn't able to do due to timing of my leaving is talk to Centerlink as well regarding funding from them when leaving DV (I left right before Christmas and they were closed over the holidays so I missed their very small window).

I would also seek at resources, even temporary ones, where you are now if you're unable to go straight back with family, maybe seek out a women's shelter.

Look after yourself and your mum, on my attempts to leave before I was drawn back by love bombing and manipulation which lead to nearly 5yrs of abuse.

If he hasn't made a continued attempt to change he never will, my ex nearly died due to overintoxication, I took him to the hospital and he was sober for 3months and then continued to drink. I also urged him to go to therapy, we even went together. Nothing permanently changed because he didn't want to and your situation sounds similar to my own in that way. 

Look after yourself and your mum xxx

I really hope that what I said has helped, please feel free to reach out any time xx

Honestly I like to think my experience is a good thing in a way, I know what I want out of life, what I will eventually look for in love and I'm glad I can use my experience to help others.

It will take time, I would definitely talk to 1800respect in regards to counselling for yourself and your family. Trust me, I celebrated my birthday and then have been thrust into a depressive slump since. Im still going through it. Even when you've left 1800respect and lifeline are an amazing recourse to call when you need to just talk things out. To be honest I think ill call them up later cause Im having a bad day.

Be kind to yourself, look after yourself and your mum xxx

I wish the best for you and hope to hear from you soon xx

[Gypsie_6]

First of all, thank you for your consistent replies, they have offered wonderful advice xx

I have been speaking to mum about how ready she is to leave, she says that if she leaves out of anger then that's basically opening up a gate for the love bombing to begin, which is something I can understand.

She needs to be ready to block him and his family so as to completely cut him off and not allow for any back and forth to occur after we leave.

However in the past, when we have threatened leaving him, mum usually reverts back to saying that there will be a time in my life that I will want him and I shouldn't be so quick to take action.....again, I understand this, but I fear that we are at a different level of progression for feeling ready to leave the abuse, different maturity levels may play a role in this as obviously I (as a teenager) am more likely jump to irrational conclusions

I have considered this point before, but I honestly think I want to move on now, this abuse is taking a toll on my body and my mind (with the panic attacks) and the fact I have no control over mums decision makes me feel like I might be here for longer than I can stand.

Good news though is that this time does feel different!! Mum has not only been researching ways to leave, she has also maintained a calm mindset and I think we have both share understanding that his acts of disrespect, disregard and showing us just how much he thinks we're worth, gives a pretty clear message about how he feels about us.

Funny thing about abuse is when you're treated so low, you really don't have much to lose anymore which is a concept you'd probably Understand, and that is a mindset that has opened us up to picturing a life without him.

I will give 1800respect a call, this might help ease the anxiety I'm feeling due to the silent tension we're all currently experiencing. Thank you for bringing them up xx

I think the scariest part of this is the intervals between the fights/plans to leave where everyone is pretending to be fine, this is a stressful period where I'm not sure what direction we're going in because no one is talking about it.

I think my step dad reads mums calmness as "everything is fixed and normal" and tends to fall back into regular life.....I don't know if my ADHD/autism (undiagnosed) plays a part in this, but it's hard to read the situation right now which is why I think I'm so on edge.

Thank you again for your kind words xx

Take care,

P.S. I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day ❤️ hope you took the breather you needed, I'm in awe of your strength so don't ever give in to feeling like you're not enough xx

[Curlycrochet]

Hey @Gypsie_6,

Im always more than happy to help, being in that situation is not healthy for anyone and I am glad I have been able to assist you both with my own experience.

I am so glad to hear you've been discussing your readiness to leave. I agree with your mum, it is best not to leave in anger. I will also say that your Mum being calm about leaving is a great sign, I myself was very calm when I was planning to leave so it may be a sign that she's ready to go. I would still keep communicating about this though.

I completely understand the feeling you described. Starting from nothing isn't easy but it gives you both the opportunity to start a new life that is healthy and happy and just for you both. I love the little life I have started to create for myself.

I am so happy to hear that, if you feel comfortable I would start a file with them (you can always go by and alias you just have to remember it) so it allows them to have a timeline of what is happening. Only if you feel comfortable with this. They are 24/7 (my first call to them was at 3am when I couldn't sleep) so call them any time when you have a safe moment to do so.

I am so sorry to hear that you're on edge and stressed. I hope things move forward for you soon and the plan gets clearer.

My ex was exactly the same, he took my calmness as I was upset from a fight and things would be fine until he caught me loading my stuff into my car. Even then though he thought I might come back until I called him from Queensland telling him I was gone. Abusive and narcissistic men are so wrapped up in their heads that the context clues are completely invisible to them. 

From everything I have read I think you are a very level headed and mature person for someone your age. It takes a brave person to reach out, especially to a stranger and I'm glad you did and I am glad that I can help you. If things don't move fast I would urge you to talk to someone, my experience with Headspace when I was younger was amazing and I think chatting to someone about your panic attacks and your situation might help.

Thank you, your kind words mean a lot x I had a chat with my psychologist and looked after myself the best I could, feeling a lot better tonight 🙂

I hope you, your mum and your brother have had a good night.

Be kind and gentle with yourself, you are so strong and wise beyond your years x

Look after yourself and talk soon x

-CurlyCrochet