First post

[soso]

Hi all,

I don't know where to begin or who I'm writing to. I had a big episode a few days ago where my family got to really witness what a monster I can be, it scares me that I don't even know what I'm capable of.

I just admitted that I needed help and it only gives me relief because I don't have to pretend anymore. I've tried to be strong for so long and letting my family know that I can't do it anymore gave me some sort of relief.

I has a dysfunctional upbringing. My father and mum split when I was young and I guess I always had it in my head that you weren't normal or were missing something if your biological parents weren't together. It's all crap I know but that's how what formed my world view from a young age. My mum met my stepfather who was nothing but a blessing to my life and took me in as his own. He suffered with bipolar disorder (was genetic - my pop, his father took his own life 12 mths before) and took his own life in 2010. From then on I was kind of never the same.

I was medically diagnosed with depression in 2013, had some trials along the way and now I'm here. Sometimes I think I wished this on myself and that my condition is something I created on my own, as a result of my own negative thinking. I also think I'm a coward for not having the strength to end it like my stepfather did.

Right now I'm living and relying on the love of my family, as if I haven't put them thru enough!

I hope someone else knows how I feel.

-S

[kristin]

Dear @soso 

A warm welcome to the forums! I will write a quick reply because the forum' s about to close. Well don't for joining in the conversation with such an honest and open post - it takes a lot of courage.

Please don't beat yourself up for having mental health struggles. You have not wished this on yourself - no one would. Negative thinking patterns are learned, very early from what I have seen with my youngest child and her dad (who's incredibly negative and I've finally realised how much damage he was doing). It's wonderful that you had someone so caring in your life, but losing someone to suicide is utterly devastating. This in itself would likely be contributing to your own depression. 

It is great that you've been able to be honest with your family. It is not cowardice that is keeping you alive. I suggest you imagine the pain you felt when your step-father suicided, then imagine passin it on to all the people you love most and who love you. Suicide can be contagious, in that those who have lost someone dear this way are more at risk of attempting themselves. Suicide can also be protective, if we can use the pain of our loss to remind us never to risk giving that to anyone else. I lost my brother when he was 21, when I have really struggled with feeling suicidal myself I have reminded myself of the cost to others if I go there. And I don't.

I have posted this poem elsewhere on the forum but can't find it ATM, so here it is again. I hope it might help somewhat to know you aren't alone.

Please be kind to yourself.

Siren Song

Death begins its siren song
As I try to hold
This hidden haemorrhaging
More pain than I can possibly contain
At these times suicide
Seems to hold such allure.
I cannot go there –
I force my mind away
By sheer will.

I know its promise of release
Is just a mirage,
I’ve been on the receiving side.
It would but hand this agony
To those I love most
And those who love me
A cursed gift I cannot leave.

So I sit with this cavernous black hole
I speak of what it devours and spews out
I sort through it like handling ra2or wire
When I can I even nurse it gently
Like a distressed babe
Until, at last, it subsides
… And I live

Kristin © May 2012

Keep posting, and keep in touch.

Kind regards,

Kristin

[nigioc]

Welcome @soso 

As Kristin writes, don't beat yourself up for having mental health difficulties. By the sounds of things, you've experienced more than enough to struggle with. Losing a loved one to suicide is like losing a limb. It's never just the initial shock of loss, it's the ongoing trauma and having to learn to adjust to their ongoing absence, and the pain. Lots and lots of pain.

I'm so glad you've found your way here. There is lots of compassion and warmth here. As well as a wealth of experience. It is a great place to spend some time. I look forward to seeing you around.

[soso]

Thank you both for your kind words.

I had a bad sleep last night I think I hallucinated for the first time. It was a scary experience. My mum slept with me into the night.

I'm not going into work tomorrow my mum is going to explain what's happened wth my boss. The same thing happened around this time last year where I had my first breakdown and was hospitalised. My employer told me to take as much time off as I needed but I felt pressure from myself and others to get better even if it felt as if I really wasn't. I'm good at lying to myself. Here I am now a year later and I'm a similar state. It only dawned on my yesterday that I have a problem that needs dealing with. I go thru phases where I think "I'm going to fight this" but I can't anymore. I've said that before. I honestly don't know if I'll ever recover. Thanks again

[soso]

Thanks for the poem. It resonates with me completely. I don't want my family going through losing someone to suicide again.

[Bimby2]

Feel for you SoSo as you have been through much suffering and hope you're feeling better since

this post was written. Depression that I have been plagued with is hard to shift but a I look to the

beauty of nature (a lovely sunset e,g,) and this gives me new hope. Thanks you for your story. Bimby2

[theaveragejoe]

HI there soso,

yes I do have experience of what you are describing. One question: given that your identity is protected on this site, and that no one knows or will ever know who you are, would it be difficult for you to describe in better terms what it is that you mean when you write that you can be a monster and that not even you know what you are capable of? I am asking this because, having direct experience with depression, I can tell you that self control is very possible, though difficult and though it takes lots of time to develop. 

I can discuss my past openly, how the depression affected me and how I have learned to control it a bit. It is like learning to watch yourself from a distance as in mindfulness. IF you are able to give a better description of what happens to you it may well be that it is similar to what happened to me in the past and by sharing this information we could benefit greately.