Lived Experience Forum

[Jayneinpain]

Rejection comes in many forms to most, if not all, of us. As a person who has direct personal experience with depression, life-limiting illness and suicide, I find I don't deal well with rejection. How do others cope?

I recently left the town I had been living in for a year in the hopes of setting out on a different path while my health was comparatively good. I have spent five years under the threat of varying "use-by" dates. The medical professions attitudes and medications had left me banging on suicides door yet again. I decided I wanted to take control of my health and my future. My psychiatrist thought it was great, empowering, strong and courageous of me. So I packed the car with nearly everything I own and put my craft things and summer clothes in storage and set off. 

I have been turned down by one agent because their "formula" says I can only afford to pay $160/week in rent despite the fact I have never paid such a low rent in the six years and I've NEVER missed a rent payment in all that time. Instantly I feel devastated and rejected.

I decide I will try another town. I am quickly chewing through my little bit of savings each night I stay in a cabin or basic airbnb. Petrol seems to be disappearing through the fuel tank faster than I can fill it up. More money out of the savings.

I get to another town. I post on the local Fb page that I am looking for work and get several messages. I tell them I am very keen but have to find a home first. I apply for a job that I have a lot of skills and experience to do well. Within six hours, without a word being exchanged, I get a thanks but no thanks email. More rejection.

I finally get to inspect a property I applied for five weeks ago. I think it will be great. The agent says she will know process my application  I explain that it is costing me a lot of money to wait and she says she will try to get to it. That was yesterday morning. I sent a friendly, slightly-nagging text today and get no reply. All I can think about is what will I do if this application fails too. 

I just don't know how many times I can fall down and get back up again. I have experienced childhood neglect, childhood sexual abuse, rape, a child taken for adoption, domestic abuse, my kids rejecting me when I got sick and death dates from doctors. Despite all of that and because of all of that, I still keep trying to find my safe "home". I am not adding these details in a search for sympathy. Sympathy is something I detest. It was just to show that I have been through some stuff. I have a very dear friend who says she doesn't understand why I keep fighting to stay alive. I know it would be so easy to give in to my body's desire to die, but I don't want to. 

How do I handle so much rejection? How do I handle another "No" without giving in? How do you do it?

[HenryX]

Hello Jayneinpain,

I just noticed your description of how life has been for you in the relatively recent and longer term past. It takes me a little time to write a meaningful response, but until I do, wanted you to know that your post has been recognised and I intend responding more fully within the next couple of hours - as soon as I can.

With Concern and Best Wishes,

HenryX

[Jayneinpain]

Thank you HenryX

[greenpea]

@JayneinpainJayneinpain it is terrible to be rejected.... it hurts hunny I know only too well. I harden my heart as much as I can but it still hurts ..... dont know what the answer is but we are always here for you on the forums remember that when times get tough. Love greenpeax

[HenryX]

@Jayneinpain 

Hello Jayneinpain

Even as I was reading your short description of some of your recent experiences I could feel a sinking feeling of recognition and acknowledgement in my chest.

It is so very disappointing to have to deal with rejection at any time. However, I believe that rejection and aggression are also synonymous for some of us and are felt in the same way because of the impact of previous life events and experiences. As a result of those events and experiences, I believe that we can suffer hypersensitivity to rejection and aggression, and that some of us actually have difficulty dealing with even small acts of rejection and aggression. I think that is true for me. Unfortunately, because of what I see as “impaired psychological immunity” to what is real or even perceived as rejection, I believe that we suffer much more than many other people as a result of any acts or events that are, or look like, rejection and/or aggression.

Because of our possible reactions and responses, we need to build into any plans that we make a preparedness and flexibility that we may think others would not have to do. Examples are: extra time for possible favourable outcomes to occur, a financial buffer to cover those times, being prepared to seek advice and assistance from and through organisations that we may not, under “normal” circumstances, have contact with. From these ideas, it probably becomes apparent that planning becomes a big and important part of our strategy, particularly when significant changes are to be made. It is possibly true that such attention to planning does not always come naturally or easily either. On another thread, this morning, I have alluded to difficulty maintaining concentration on a topic without being distracted by random thoughts, etc. This vulnerability to distraction, compounds an already difficult situation and sets us up for more self-criticism.

A lot of these ideas are apparent to me because I, maybe like you, tend to think that I can change my situation “at the drop of a hat”. The result of this sort of behaviour is that we are faced with outcomes that we had not considered or thought about. We also tend to think that other people will be aware of and responsive to our needs. When it is apparent that they were working under the umbrella of theirs and their owner client's needs, in the case of real estate, it may very well seem like they have rejected us, when, in fact, this may not be so. It was simply a matter of the question, to whom primary allegiance is contracted. Irrespective, when this occurs it has the potential to make a huge impact on our sense of identity and integrity.

Jayneinpain, I wonder if you could tell me please, if I am on the right track. I would like to know whether you feel as though some of the things I have said are true for you and if there are any differences. What the differences might be and your perception of your situation, would help other forum members and me to respond more closely to your position.

To flag someone that you would like them informed of your post and/or their response, you type the symbol “@” in front of their forum name. For me, that would be “@HenryX” for you “@Jayneinpain” without the quotation marks. Being an open forum, it is likely that other members will relate to your comments and respond also. You are free to view all comments in the forum. Clicking on the word “NEW” near the top right corner of the forums page will take you to “Your Notifications” where recent posts in which you have been tagged or flagged are listed. Click on the thread name eg. “Re: Handling rejection“ and you will be taken to that post with all the attached responses. The number in the circle near “NEW” indicates new notifications for you.

Jayneinpain, please let me know if you connect with the thoughts that I have offered and how you would like to proceed with the discussion.

My Very Best Wishes

HenryX

[Jayneinpain]

Hi there HenryX,

Thank you for your thoughts. There are some parts that I connect with immediately while others are a bit different. I wil attempt to explain.

I know I am hypersensitive to criticism. I have spent a lot of time working on my reactions to others and try to remind myself that their reactions could be nothing to do with me personally. Maybe they are just ticking boxes on a form, dealing with a sick child at home or are having their own "bad" day. However, being on my own in a new town, it is cold and my money reserves are reducing, the self-doubts are crowding in.

I had given my plans a lot of thought as being a planner is something I have always been good at. Apparently, it is something that often happens for people who were neglected and/or abused as children. They are always trying to plan their escapes when things at home are not as hoped.

Although I had planned, I hadn't realised how much COVID had impacted the rental market and approval processes even in these tiny rural areas. I'm not going to be sleeping in the car THIS week. There is wiggle room in the budget but I can feel myself getting scared. Again, the self-doubts are crowding in.

As you wrote, I do "tend to think that other people will be aware of and responsive to" my needs and situation. I know I am a good person. I know I have never not paid rent on time. I know that I have always looked after other people's houses. But others just don't understand that. I used to own an investment property myself, so I know what has to be done and why. I do understand but as I sit here, alone, cold, confused, disheartened, trying not to panic, I start to question my place on this planet. 

Thank you for your concern. I don't know what else to say. Sometimes it just starts to feel too hard.

[Jayneinpain]

Thank you. It does help knowing that there are others out there who do understand. 

[Appleblossom]

Hey @Jayneinpain 

Hope your situation improves soon.  Know the feeling of questioning my right to be on the planet, and in that kind of language.

As the weather cools for winter, we really do not want you to sleeping in the car.  Are there places like Anglicare or other housing orgs in your area.  Its no good to be wasting savings on hi rent temp places.

Take Care 
Apple

[Former-Member]

Hi @ @Jayneinpain feeling rejected is horrible, esp for us hypersensitive (wounded) souls,  it cutts deep every time, and bumps into old scars. SUCKS! 

Family rejection is my most painful, but also marriage breakdown, courts getting it wrong, bereavement, job rejections, doctors 'too hard baskets', neglect, false estimony, destructive gossip, defamation, bullying ... ... these are some which I found hard this last 10yrs. 

I'm not surprised the suicide rate is rising with society's stuffed up priorities. 

We're hard wired for love and acceptance... those who deliberately withold will be held accountable judgement day, but we have a responsibility too to strengthen our faith and self-care as best we can in this broken world. I too am very tired and find myself at suicide's door a lot too. 

I don't think this budget is accommodating the housing crisis atm either.

When I sold my home I so scared with rejections and not having hada rental history. Scared enough to spend a small fortune on a vanvi canvat least sleep safely in. Fortunately I found a modest 2br unit but if I end up on the street - I have a roof at least. My lease is up next month and I'm a bit concerned what will happen  with so much publicity about our housing shortage here. 

Let us know when you apply for your next home so we can throw up some prayers for you. It's hard on our own.  These websites might help. 

https://www.realestate.com.au/advice/8-tips-for-a-winning-rental-application/

https://www.rent.com.au/blog/strategies-competitive-market

Stay strong, I'm glad you want to live 💙

🌸💙🌸💙🌸

[HenryX]

@Jayneinpain 

Hi Jayneinpain

Yes, I connect with the self doubt issue. We can be really hard on ourselves, particularly when a finite resource is getting perilously close to exhausted, whether that be time or money.

From the way that you write, I am aware that you would be conscious of the other person's position. Your observation about the developed capacity to plan an escape or way out being based on the experience of neglect or abuse in childhood is apt.

It seems apparent to me that you are dealing with issues on a number of fronts. The one to be addressed at the moment, as you have said, is accommodation and work for income. There appear to be other issues that you are actually in the process of dealing with, but over a longer term.

The covid issue seems to have turned a lot of things upside down. I understand that there is pressure on the rural/smallish town real estate market as a result of people looking to find places out of the cities, also as an escape plan, to have alternative accommodation available in the event of a declared lock-down. While, I presume that there would be those who can afford to keep their city home and also rent in the “country”, it means that, what would have been properties, particularly in the rural areas close to major towns and cities, that may have been difficult to let, are now being “soaked-up” by this demand.

Unfortunately, the weather in the southern parts of Australia is more conducive to being around a fireplace than being outside for any reason. And I hear what you are saying about being alone, cold, confused, disheartened and trying not to panic.

I am really “talking” with you about how you are feeling and your thoughts. Unfortunately, I cannot literally talk with you directly, however, if you feel that the discussion here is not able to address your concerns, I presume that you are aware that there are phone numbers available on this site where you can speak with someone 1:1 if that would be of help to you.

Please let me know if there is anything, in terms of information, that you think I may be able to assist with

With Best Wishes

HenryX