How to Feel Again After Psychosis?

[trying_again]

I’m accepting at this point I’m probably chronically depressed post psychosis just under a year ago.

All I want to do now is sleep, eat junkfood, game, and do enough at work so as to keep my job.

Even that is pretty hard because my sleeping is so fucked I can barely keep up with working 3 days a week.

It’s a horrible thing because beforehand work brought a lot of meaning to my life.

I dissociate a lot, so it’s hard to stay connected and grounded. 

And truth is it’s hard to find a reason to get out of bed let alone find some broader sense of purpose or stick to being healthy or whatever.

Especially when I can’t feel much. Even though I want to feel connected to people. Feel joy and love, purpose, and hope that life can be good again.

Mostly if I feel anything I just feel shame, guilt, and self loathing. 

Psychosis was a strange thing to go through. Beliefs that weren’t real brought forth a sense of truth about things I’d been ignoring. 

And left me just a sense of shame that despite wanting to feel connected to people, I really don’t think much about them or their needs at all and mostly I’ve lived live according to what made people like and validate me.

Im sure the meds aren’t helping with the not feeling side of things either.

anyway, bit of a messy post. But I wonder if people can relate. Stories of relating and then things getting better would be nice too.

[Asgard]

Morning @trying_again 

Going through an event like you have must have been scary, I do so hope that you have a support network around you.  You probably have a whole lot of questions about what you are feeling which I am sure the community on here will be able to answer for you.  Meds help, but you should speak with your GP about how they affect you, they need to know, you are the expert in how you feel, so speak with them.  Wishing you well and I know others on here will be able to share relateable feelings.  Remember you are not alone, we are here for you........Asgard

[8ppleTree]

Hi @trying_again 

It's great that you've been able to get back into work and get yourself back on your feet. It can't be easy doing that when your sleep pattern isn't great. Have you spoken to your medical team about this? About the flat feeling?

I can hear how much you want to reach out and connect with life, and all I can say is 'baby steps'. It's perfectly normal to withdraw your focus inwards and away from others when you're unwell, it's probably a survival mechanism of some sort. Allowing yourself to reach out again might not look the same or feel exactly the same as it did before the psychosis, it might just take a little time to feel into things, with your new perspective. Trust yourself that the little changes can lead to healing.

Do you have any practices that help you stay grounded that you might incorporate into your day, like a gentle walk, or yoga, or a swim, etc? Do you have any positive affirmations you can focus on? Do you enjoy breakfast, etc.? What are your small joys? 

[Ainjoule]

Hey @trying_again 

I can relate to your post. I have had periods of psychosis and that has brought forward awkward feelings. I will give you an example: when Zayn left One Direction I was psychotic and for complicated reasons I thought people reporting on Zayn leaving were actually talking about me leaving my family. I felt like I didn't fit in well...but in hindsight I realise that the psychosis was just playing on my insecurities about my position in my family. As you can imagine I ended up in hospital and it took a little while for this psychosis to resolve itself. I've had other periods of psychosis as well.

Like you, there are times when I have felt shame as a result. But overall I have learnt that my insecurities are just that - insecurities. I have found that when I have gotten depressed the best thing to do is to set a small goal and once I have mastered that small goal, to set another one, and so on. Like @8ppleTree say 'baby steps'.

And also like you I have a tendency to game. It helps me get away from things, but it can be it's own issue at times. 

I wanted to say to that it can, does and will get better. Try not to beat yourself up about what you experienced. Self compassion is very important in these situations.

[trying_again]

@8ppleTree I’ve spoken to GP about the sleep issues but I’m they don’t want to bring me off antipsychotics just yet 😔

I think you’re right about the survival mechanism. It’s just so sad to think about how long I’ve been in that mode. 

I’ve been trying to go for daily walks this year have recently fell off with that but started again today.

Joy is hard to find but I’ll keep looking.

[trying_again]

• @Ainjoule Thanks for replying and sharing your experiences with me. 
  
  

I can relate to what you say about insecurities and I hear you about baby steps and self compassion. You’re right but it’s just so frustrating hey. 

and yeah with gaming I’ve mostly used it as a way to escape which on one hand has helped with the psychosis because it gives my brain a big rest but like you say there’s issues too. Most of the time now I just want to keep gaming and not come back to reality.

Thanks for reminding me it will get better. 

[MermaidHair]

Hey @trying_again,

Thanks for posting and reaching out about this. You are definitely not alone, I can relate extensively to everything you're saying.

It took me 18 months post psychosis to even begin to feel some sense of normality, connectedness to others and more importantly connected to my old self again.

Psychosis has a way of shattering your sense of self like no other. The blurred lines between delusion and reality, and everything you both misunderstand and learn from it, everything you lose and everything you gain too. It's no wonder it's life altering for a period. You are not alone 💜

It's quite common that recovery from psychosis can take a long time, its been over 2 and a half years for me now and I'd say I'm almost completely there. Things are really good now but I remember feeling how you are and wondering if I'd ever go back to normal or feel the same again. Our brains take a massive hit during these episodes and they need time to recover.

Don't be hard on yourself because it sounds like you're doing everything right by being back at work and trying to make sense of what you're going through. It definitely gets easier and you will get back to yourself over time.

Hope this helps 🙏

[enricofatale]

Hey @trying_again 

You're heard! It sounds like you've had an incredibly rough time and doing what you can to get through each day.

I can relate a lot to what you said. I crashed hard after my psychosis and was back to living with Mum, eating food like it was my job (thanks meds), and struggling to do anything else.

It took time to get things back on track, more time than I would have liked.

Later I found recovery and worked through traumas.

Before that I thought of feelings as good/bad/nothing. I've learned to name my feelings (and feel them) over time and it makes life far more easier to understand.

On the shame - it seems like there's a part of you saying "focus on me" while you heal and that sounds really fair to me.

Thank you for sharing and putting your thoughts up 🙏

[trying_again]

Thanks @enricofatale 

I like how you connect naming feelings to understanding life. Every now and then someone will say something and I feel a shiver through my body or something and I’m like “oh is this me feeling something!?” It seems strange to be thinking that way sometimes but I can see that it’s just me trying to make sense of life. 

I think there’s truth to what you’re saying about shame.. although I mostly feel shame about being selfish in the past and how that made me unwell.. so then it seems strange and ironic to now feel like I should still keep focusing on myself to heal if that makes sense!? 

Thanks for responding I appreciate it. It really has been rough. A lot of these comments just help remind us to all go easy on ourselves and accept things take time I guess hey. 

[enricofatale]

You're welcome @trying_again and I'm glad to hear the comments from the community have helped.

I've acted out and done self-destructive things in my past too. One thing that's helped me reconcile this is they were a coping strategy for me at the time. Ones I've made amends for once I got better and healed myself.

Easier said than done though as everything used to seem so messy.

I love the "oh is this me feeling something?!" haha. The penny dropped for me when I realised they're called feelings because we *feel* them. 

Until then I just intellectually described them and went with it. 

Keep being kind to yourself and lean on this community as you need to!