I finally have an explanation for bizarre thoughts I've had since childhood (OCD)
I've recently been diagnosed with OCD. The diagnosis was very scary, especially because the people around me don't understand, and I've already got so many health issues to deal with... but it's also a relief.
For as long as I can remember, I've had thoughts which make no logical sense. (TW: OCD logic.)
One of the first OCD fixations in my life was the belief that, if I breathed wrong, something awful would happen. If I breathed in while looking at something evil/dangerous, I'd have to exhale while looking at something else, to "expel" it. Of course, just doing that once didn't fix it, so I'd be held still, breathing irregularly, until my brain started to believe I was safe. Or, if I breathed out while looking at something/someone I cared about, I'd be harming them somehow, and would have to inhale to undo the damage. I'd be sitting there, gasping for no reason. My brain had similar rules about blinking and walking and touching objects... which left me blinking, shuffling, and tapping things until the fear eventually went away.
Those illogical thoughts never, ever made sense to me. It was absolutely terrifying to be a child with those bizarre ideas in my head. I just had to do what the thoughts demanded.
The reason I brought up OCD with my psychologist as an adult is because I now have SH OCD, which has been much scarier than the thoughts I've had since childhood. Those are our main focus... but having an explanation for those childhood thoughts is really healing, too.
I finally know what was going on. I finally understand what was wrong with me. And that's a relief.
I saw a post by someone with OCD, talking about how one of their compulsions is to repeatedly turn objects, because the side facing them feels "over-used" somehow, just from them looking at it. Reading that, I felt so relieved. Knowing that other people experience illogical thoughts makes me feel less alone.
There were so many other things which I needed to prioritise before we could arrive at this diagnosis, like my chronic pain and my Bulimia. I hate that I've lost so much time. But I'm glad to finally understand.
Re: I finally have an explanation for bizarre thoughts I've had since childhood (OCD)
@D1ng0 that's so great that you have finally got a diagnosis. It helps so much to understand why we do the things we do and how to get help and help ourselves.
OCD comes in so many different forms and is greatly misunderstood by alot of people which is frustrating when trying to explain it to someone.
Re: I finally have an explanation for bizarre thoughts I've had since childhood (OCD)
Hey @Gremlin24, thanks so much for the empathy and support, I really do appreciate it... on this post and the other one I made about OCD 😊 I hope tonight's been kind to you.
