Hospital or not??

[NikNik]

Hi @BlueBay

Just in case you haven't seen it, I've popped you an email. 

Take care,

Nik

[BlueBay]

Hi @NikNik

I received your email and i have replied back.

[Decadian]

Hi @BlueBay

I have been caught up in my own stuff for a few days - and I feel better now - so I am hoping you are

But at least this is the weekend and I hope you find some peace and this will help

Whatever you do - I hope things improve - I had not realised that your Mother-in-law had been living with you - that is a very stressful situation - as is having someone in a nursing home

So I get it - you husband wants some support you are not really in a place to give him - not a easy scenario

I am sending some virtual hugs

Decadian

[BlueBay]

Hi @Decadian

Looking back now i don't know how I did it - having mother in law live with us for 20 years.  And I am sad because i look back and think wow 20 yrs - i have missed out on loving my children even more because I didn't feel that I had my own place, my own home. It's hard to explain.

Today is really hard because it is a year since I was last in hospital.  And a year that my mum abused me over the phone, called me a liar and said to me that i have betrayed the family.  She even told me to stop talking to one of my sisters.  That day was horrible.  i remember it so clearly.  And i feel sad because i miss my dad so much.  one whole year has gone without seeing him and there is no way of seeing him.

Damn my mum, i hate her.  I shouldn't say that but i do.  she has hurt me so much i can't explain.

i need to go, i am getting angrier and angrier.  i feel like a little kid who just wants their dad.  how hard is that.

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay. I'm not really sure what to say that will make things better but I wanted to reach out to you. I guess I wanted ou to know that you are not alone with many of the things you are experiencing. I know that @Decadian has been able to help you and share some things which has been wonderful.

I guess I wanted to share with you that I feel things with similar intensity to you although different things trigger us. Stress is the biggest trigger for increasing intensity in my emotions. Some days I feel so highly strung. I have been trying and struggling to stay out of hospital too. I haven't been in since February which is a huge achievement for me. Prior to that I was in hospital or respite every 4-6weeks for the last few years either through SH or protection from SH. I am finding it a weekly struggle to stay out of hospital now. My therapist says the longer I fight this the more chance my brain will rewire itself so it's not a go to coping strategy. Having said that it's not easy.

I have just had to move house because of financial stress and it has been a step down for us. My son currently complains every day and wants to go back to the old house which isn't an option. I've found this difficult to deal with because I feel like I've let him down.

I guess I can relate to the kids moving on too. Mine have all got their own lives and partners now and I'm down to one left at home. He's 16 and thoroughly hormonal at the moment and spends every minute he can with his girlfriend. However like you I have a black and white 3yr old kelpie to love and be loved by. He is quite nuts and provides entertainment.

Anyway I know none of this will help but I wanted you to know that I get the level of emotions and life's frustration that you experience. Wishing you all the best and thinking of you. 😊💜

[Decadian]

@BlueBay

I so get what you are talking about - and if you hate your mother why should you not say so - it's the truth

I am so angry with my mother - oh - she told me not to speak to my only sister - often - because I upset her - now I often wonder about that - I do not have the power to upset anyone - people are already upset

However - through my last few days of feeling really down - which I realise was only a couple of days days- I realised something about anger - there is anger like a fire that consumes - and another kind of anger that burns but does not consume - and that kind of anger does not consume - it cleanses.

And I only got to that during the last few days - so I don't know yet how to get from one to the other - but anger is anger - hate is hate - and if this is the case you can't turn it off just because it is thought that it is a bad thing - maybe it is - but that is the way things are

So it feels like I am on a journey - I have been on a journey for a long time - and I feel that this is only a snippet - but it is the way it is

How can you stop? Sometimes you have to burn things out - that can be painful

I really could not see my mother until she died - before then I was constantly hurt by her cutting tongue - and even when she was so old one would imagine she did not have to say such things to the adult daughter she rarely saw - she couldn't stop - but she died - and after that I could see what a pitiful cruel being she was - and she had got there because she one life started with loss and being pushed from pillar to post and finding it really hard to trust

But this is my story - but the point is - you are angry and hate your mother - and I can see why - and I can only say that this is where you are now - and you are not happy there so I am convinced you will move on - but you have to pass through the pain and the fire.

Keep thinking - keep writing - be honest - the thing is that honesty is the only way out -

I don't know where I get my ideas - but I think it's because I am on this journey - and I have no idea when the journey started but it was decades ago

And you are a little kid who wants their Dad - so was I for a long time - and in my case my Dad did take responsibilty for his part in the whole family drama. And so your father does to

And - sheesh - how come you had your mother-in-law in your home for 20 years - I can tell you one thing - I would have walked - my MIL thought her son was the sunlight - everything fantastic - I waited until my daughter left home - and then I was a single mother - but boy - 20 years with your mother in law - no wonder you have had trips in hospital and had a hard time loving your kids

Wow

Decadian

[BlueBay]

Hey @Decadian

we had my MIL live with us for 20 yrs because - my father in law died of a massive heart attack at home 5 days before I gave birth to our third child.  He died on the Friday, funeral Tuesday and gave birth on Thursday. Then a week after MIL didn't want to live on her own, so she moved in with us - yes 2 weeks after i gave birth to my third.  We also had a 4 yr old and a 3 yr old.  Hence my depression!!!!

But really she was okay, she never interferred with us; she actually helped me with the cleaning of the house, ironing etc.  It wasn't until probably the last 6 yrs that she stopped doing stuff as she aged.  Then the last 2 yrs was bad as she was diagnosed with dementia and that just got worse, so that's why this year we had to put her into care. My psych told me if we didn't i would be a whole lot worse.

Looking back now I really dont know how I did it- it was just another day in day out. And before you knew it was a year, and then years. 

It actually wasn't until our youngest son turned 18 and I stopped and thought to myself - shit MIL has lived with us for 18 yrs.  18 bloody yrs.  She has lived with us more than what hubby and i have alone.  So out of our 30 yrs marriage she has been with us more.

yes that's why i did have trips to hospital - respite for me. and gee i wish i could have respite again. i so need time to myself.

Boy that makes me cry. 😞

@Decadian your mum sounds like my mum.  It still hurts because i wanted a close relationship with my mum but i know i will never have it and it hurts.  now i am crying

i hope that one day my anger can turn to something not so harsh, not so painful.  i really hope so.

how are you going @Decadian, i am sorry i always forget to ask how others are.  its not that i don't care because i do; i just forget at times or am caught up in my own issues.

take care, xxxooo

[BlueBay]

Well the high emotional state has got me again

why, I don't know, so much to think of

i hate this

i just wish my psych put me back into hospital for a break

i am so tired of being so damn emotional;

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hugs @BlueBay 💜

I know you are feeling down .........

I hope these guys can give you a little bit of a smile .......

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay

I just saw your last post and have read through this thread. Sounds like this is a pretty tough time for you right now with the anniversary of your Dad's death and reminders of hurtful conflict with your Mum and family. It's no surprise you feel fragile and emotional.

It's so important to maintain your self care this week and take it one day at a time. Keep in contact with your psychiatrist and let him know if you feel worse. Let your husband and children know that you are feeling low (if they don't know already), and accept support.

Try to find some pleasant distractions so that you are not stewing on sad thoughts all the time. You have probably heard these strategies before: simple but effective to help you get through.

Take care and keep intouch with us 🙂

Frog