Socialising for Beginners

[Appleblossom]

Sorry @Oaktree @tonys 

this seems to a saga.

On the bright side, I have not needed or drunk any coffee since Sunday. Still wired... only getting 3 -4 hours sleep. Though my counsellor agreed it was a good idea to try and manage without prn if possible.  Felt I should trim activity today so did not go to Senior Exercise but did go to the Peace choir. 

It is in the same room where I used to run the choir where I met the problem lady who I will call LLL.  I settled into warm ups and had all sorts of feelings, just could not concentrate on what the conductor said and let most of it go over my head. It is all exptremely basic I am doing for the purpose of Diversity and Inclusion not the singing interest.  When he started doing on of the warm ups I used to do 15+ years ago in that same space, I got antsy and went and stood next to an organiser ... and said 'I had a horrible thing happen here'. She said talk about it later. I also applauded the present fella out the front. Kept trying to concentrate but just upset and my body started to get into trauma shocka and I started to need to huddle, teared up and left quickly.  So thats that.  

Sorry Tonys maybe I cannot let it go so easily, as maybe something about what went down years ago actually damaged my son, and has us in this current compromised position.  I do not know what to do.  I keep praying, meditating, and when I am well enough, do my exercises and music practise. I have a rehearsal on tonight across town, which I ought to go to 

Thanks I really need the support.

[Oaktree]

Hi @Appleblossom 

I am so sorry that choir was so traumatic for you. Good on you for being brave and trying to face it. I am afraid that I don’t really have any advice for you but I want you to know that I am sitting with you. You are so courageous but need to go gently. 
Bullies really do affect everything don’t they? It’s really not fair. I wonder if they realise the damage they leave behind in their wake or are they oblivious?

Sending prayers.

Meggle

[tonys]

Yes  @Appleblossom ,  and support you shall always have from me.     I sent you a rather strong letter 

a week ago about how I feel about what people  do to other people.   What was done to you.   I cant understand the forces at work,  that place these controlling people  In our paths.  I've always ran,  because I can,   and you've

always made a stand because,   you have to.    Your son..    Bullies..    I hate em.

Now   being a big old farmer,  ex  street  strategist,  I try to make light of things,   be pragmatic.

I shouldn't.      So many of your letters show a person  burdened with the  damage  that you hide 

so well most of the time,  but is ever present,  manifesting in so many ways.   And the worst thing is 

your plenty smart enough to know all this,  and all the coping strategies,     but you've been cut to the bone,   and all the stiches,  from all those experts,   simply will never do.    

I weep for you mate because all thats left is acceptance.  Now your more than capable,  but in this

new world,  to expect others to be accepting and thoughtful.    Unlikely..  Leaving you to handle the burden of acceptance. 

We are  worlds apart in education,  so for me to see an answer before you do,  well I cant.   So I always write to show you that a simple mans mind can see the shimmer from that tossed coin,

and you can catch and own it. 

These  should be the best years of your life.   Don't let them steel  a second. 

tonys    moonbase 1

[Appleblossom]

@Oaktree

I do not think this LLL person intended to harm me but got excited by the attention and misread my character and skills. She  thought she was in the right but now knows me better and is stubborn and struggling to admit she was wrong. Covering up.

@tonys Your words are gold for me. I have not felt seen much.

Truth is i have not been able to stand up for him adequately in time and he has suffered. I wish I could make it better for him. A friend recently said she could see he was a good person. 

I just did not know how much i let people push us or me around. Always trying to keep peace. Speaking up is new. Speaking up in the moment even newer.

My mood has gone the whole range today. Tonight i acted up and spoke up and got a lift to station and person sympathised. So feeling seen in real life too. 

Thanks

[tonys]

I'll  say it again..   your an  Oak  @Appleblossom    You can succumb to sleep quietly smiling.

Goodnight my friend.  .  .  .   tonys. 

[Oaktree]

@tonys @Appleblossom @Delicatessen @Historylover @StuF 

This afternoon I went to a ladies over 50 coffee group. I didn’t go last fortnight. When the topic shifted to families I said that my Mother hadn’t spoken to me in 17 years despite me reaching out. The ladies were very kind to me and said it was her loss. She was a terrible Mother and Grandmother so we really didn’t lose out on anything but sometimes it hurts because a Mother is meant to love her kids unconditionally. I am very close with my kids and could never imagine doing such a thing to them. Anyway I am glad that I went to the coffee group this fortnight. Hopefully I can make it to the next one depending on when hubby is working.

Meggle

[Appleblossom]

I am really glad your disclosure was well received by coffee group @Oaktree Is it a group attached to church or mental health agency?

My socialising has been varied.  I have sometimes shared things too early and get a bad reaction.  Just had too much bubbling beneath the surface for too long, and little things pop out.

[Oaktree]

Neither @Appleblossom 

Just a community run coffee group.

Meggle

[Appleblossom]

Great then it must be offically normal @Oaktree lol  just joking. I have struggled with whats normal and whats not, for so long, I now can talk about it in silly rhyming short sentences, instead of going into scientific discussion. Phew!  weary sigh ...

Reflecting on my small ensemble night. I feel on the bottom of the pecking order, but not giving up on it yet.  Been well behaved and listened to other's difficult stories.  Getting a little air time myself, being very careful. 

My counsellor said I should be able to talk just off the cuff, straight off the top of my head, and that seems fair.  I have earned the right, but it still seems delicate.

I am not ruminating on my LLL agitation event of the previous week. Moving on with diary engagements.  Going to a concert tonight and tmrw afternoon. Tonight is a free ticket sent me by a new friend.  It was a welcome relief in the midst of feeling such a social reject and failure of previous week.  Its not all easy with this new friend.  She is high maintenance, but she may well be worth it.  She knows the bare bones of my story and is making gestures of loyalty and wanting ongoing connection.  So I am grateful and will enjoy tonight. Going in on train.

Tmrw will be even better in that, I offered my ticket to my son, but it was not really his style of music, but very much my style.  He said go and that he was all concerted out.  Then next day asked me to book 2 tix for us to go and see a couple of his friends perform.  So thrilled he is still in that friend loop, and it will be good to go with him anbd for us to see them.  I have sung with them too.

Ahhh the ups and downs...Never had so many invites as this week.  Oh yes and I went to a doco.  So WOW.  I do not usually get as many invites in a year!  Gently Bently Apple.  Do not get too excited,

@Historylover @StuF @Delicatessen @tonys @Dimity @MDT @TAB 

Good luck all who are following this thread....

[StuF]

Hi all. Especially @Appleblossom @Oaktree 

Thanks again for the inclusion. You're kicking goals by the sound of it! Well done 🙂