Complex mental health disorders and long-term relationships

[quirkyquokka]

Hey all,

Keen to hear everybody's experience with long-term relationships alongside various mental health maladies.

For years I've had depression/anxiety, but recently been diagnosed with ADHD, and going through the process for potential autism and BPD as well. This obviously makes life quite the rollercoaster and I just always default to thinking "Nobody deserves to put up with this, I'd be better off alone..."

I've been in two long term relationships while going through this – I truly love my partner, and know that she loves me, but to be real the relationship is in a very difficult place. She puts up with a lot while dealing with all my various episodes, especially while going through her own stuff that I'm not good at supporting her with, and I can't help but feel like things are constantly doomed; that love is not enough; that neither of us will be able to move forward in life together with this cloud hanging over us.

I just want to know if anyone else with these (or similar) conditions has any thoughts and insight...

[Magpie2]

Hi. I feel for you. 

I am so grateful for my partner continuing to love me and care for me when I can't work. 

I try to have a healthy self-respect for my contributions to the relationship/family, and especially the things that I am better at when I'm unwell (eg I generally make much nicer meals or at times I can be much more mentally present with the kids when I'm not in my best headspace/not able to work). 

I know that feeling of feeling like a burden to him/them. Sometimes it motivates me just to do my best, but to be real, sometimes it just feels intensely worthless. 

My partner has his quirks that can be difficult to tolerate at times (his relaxation/outlet is gaming and sport, and it feels like he spends too much time on that, but also it's easier to forgive that with awareness of my own limitations). 

Thankfully over 20 years we've both learned how to 'fight fair' - eg not use put-downs or say really regrettable things, or if the other does, to respond with 'that's not a fair thing to say' and take time out to resolve an argument slowly. 

You refer to it being a cloud hanging over the relationship, but maybe the perspective on that is 'who says the sky shouldn't be cloudy'. We all just (hopefully) do our best; we stay together because we love each other; we learn to deal with each others' difficulties. 

Or maybe, to flip it another way, if your partner wanted to split because of your illness, in a way that is 'just' her call; that's life, we can't force anyone to stay in a relationship. Maybe because they're so shallow that they don't want to deal with someone with MI, or maybe because they just don't have the strength to continue to deal with the difficulties of it. It's heartbreaking to lose someone you want to be with; even more heartbreaking to feel your own insurmountable deficiencies as a cause of that. 
BUT it's unfair to our partners to assume that they are better off without us. They love us, and to say 'I'm not worth it' kind of projects your own judgement on them. If it really is too much for her to deal with, I hope your love for her and your love for yourself can carry you through the heartbreak of a breakup. 

I'm sorry your relationship is in a difficult place, and I know this is hard stuff to deal with. But be the kind friend to yourself in your self-talk and don't blame it on mental illness or what she thinks of MI; you're just doing your best with the hand you've been dealt. And I hope the love you share can carry you through that. 

I think this is a bit all over the place, and maybe some is too blunt, but I hope some of it helps, because love is amazing. 

[justanotherguy]

Sorry @quirkyquokka , with the recurring anxiety attacks and lack of confidence I rarely even tried a relationship. I tried dating a little but it was just no good, I've just been living off the memory of the good times in my youth. It's so hard to love someone else properly when you struggle to love yourself.

[quirkyquokka]

Sorry to hear that @justanotherguy. You're totally right, it is really really difficult to love someone else (especially in a relationship sense) when you can't love yourself.

I find it weird that I actually seem to be quite good at loving other people, as long as it's on my own terms. And I'm much better at platonic love with close friends than at romantic love with a partner. Do you find something similar?

[justanotherguy]

@quirkyquokka, platonic love is ok, but romantic love is much more exciting.

[StanD]

Hi @justanotherguy @quirkyquokka 

@Magpie2 I thought you explained your view beautifully.

@justanotherguy @quirkyquokka I am very good at platonic love. Romantic love is way more fun & lots more work. 

I have said & believed, my problems are too much. I don't want to put it on another.

I like how @Magpie said BUT it's unfair to our partners to assume that they are better off without us. They love us, and to say 'I'm not worth it' kind of projects your own judgement on them.

This is a big part about trust. I need to trust my own instincts that I have chosen a person who is more than capable of loving me.

And that I have chosen a person whom I am more than capable of loving.

The mental illness like anxiety, depression, stress, wreak havoc with our intellectual confidence. Negative thought patterns. They take over & prevent us from living our best lives. Not anyone's fault - a lifetime of travelling dead end roads. The brain becomes imprisoned, in a way. Comfort in sickness. 

My answer is depressing. Listen to @Magpie 

Be gentle with each other. Easier said than done, when triggers can make us react terribly.

Difficult for me to know how much other person needs my support.

I think being honest, true to myself is all I can offer, right now. With all the mental stuff, I can be different people, so it's hard to figure out what being true to myself is. 

Lots of bad habits of people pleasing, & doing things because I thought I had to, to fit in. Hard to break.

I guess, it comes down to believing, & knowing that I'm a good person.

I can go from not needing anyone to being only need.

I don't know which one is the real me.

I like them both. 

They are both good people.

[justanotherguy]

@StanD @quirkyquokka 

I think in times of stress 'love' becomes a luxury, certainly the kind of blissful, romantic love we are sold by the media.

[StanD]

Oh, so true @justanotherguy sad, I feel this way. Not a luxury, lucky ? Fate 

[justanotherguy]

@StanD, I find a lot of the reality 'relationship' shows intensely frustrating, to the point I refuse to watch them. The only half decent one seemed to be "Farmer Wants a Wife", but even I think this has become too scripted. Trying to find 'love' when all people are really after is a social media presence and likes on their Instagram accounts does nothing for the idea of 'love' in society. Relationships are reduced to little more than a commodity.

[StanD]

Thankyou @justanotherguy I agree, I think. Relationships are sacred. Love. I must not let it slip past me this time. I know it's mine. I didn't get it a minute ago. I think I do now. No more pouting, or tantrums, or demanding or waiting, or expecting, or unrealistic expectations. Living for love. Accepting love for me. I don't know what this means. I think I have clearer focus. My focus is to honour sacred love. I'm still very confused. How do I hold it? I don't know. I want to control it. That sounds wrong. I think I need to let go & accept it?