Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[FloraRose]

Hey everyone,

I am just wondering how to help my husband? 

My husband (27) has depression and he has been struggling with it for quite a while. He is on medication.

Lately his depression has been quite severe. He has no motivation to do anything but sleep and play video games. Sometimes I feel like his video games are his life. He has NO intention of hurting himself or anyone. He isn’t interested in getting a job or a car or doing anything to benefit his personal future or our married future. I’ve tried talking to him about his moods and why he is feeling the way he is and it always ends up in an argument about his past traumas or how he isn’t smart enough, I’ve suggested therapy and other things he can do to better himself.  He has zero confidence in himself and I’m worried for our future. 

I love him with my entire being and the past 8 years have been amazing but it’s heartbreaking seeing him not want to do good things for himself. I want to see him succeed in life and I want him to be happy but it feels like he just isn’t interested.

I’m also worried because I have BPD and I am influenced very easily and I’m worried that his lack of motivation to do anything good in life will influence me and hold me back from the things I’m trying to do in life (I have decided to make positive life decisions lately)

any advice would be appreciated greatly as I really want to help him to be the best  version of himself he can be.

[Blackbird11]

Hi @FloraRose 

Relationships are challenging at the best of times, let alone adding mental health on top of it all. Make sure you look after you first, we have some information here... Families, friends & carers (sane.org)

Give yourself time and gentleness in working through this, it's hard and you are not alone.

[tyme]

Hi @FloraRose ,

It sounds like such a tough place to be in. I can hear you are doing what you can to support him, however, we also know that a person has to want to change.

I read that you have tried talking to him about getting professional help but he is resistant. Have you asked why he may not be interested in getting help? What about if you go with him?

I hear that you are also concerned about your own mental health. I'm wondering if you can get some support for yourself?

As much as you have tried speaking to him, I wonder if you can tell him how you are feeling about the whole situation e.g. "I love you, but I'm worried about our future....etc?"

The desire for recovery needs to come from within him. Only then can mountains be moved.

Please take care,

tyme

[FloraRose]

@tyme i have asked him why he doesn’t want professional help and he strongly believes it doesn’t benefit him.

I am linked in with sane and have my first therapy session next week. 

I have tried everything and he just gets upset or doesn’t show any interest. I just want him to make better life choices for himself. It’s a very tough situation to be in. 

[Melbcoffeesnob]

Hey there @FloraRose 

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is going through a difficult time with depression. It's not easy for either of you, but your support and love can make a world of difference. 💕

First and foremost, remember that you're not alone in this journey. Depression and BPD can be a challenging road, but it's one that can be traveled together. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Your unwavering love and support mean the world to your husband. Let him know that you're there for him through thick and thin.

2. Encourage open and honest communication between you two. Sometimes, just talking about feelings can provide relief and bring you closer together.

3. It's great that you are seeking help from Sane next week, as seeking professional help can provide valuable insights and strategies for coping with depression.

4. Remember to take care of yourself too. Supporting someone with depression can be emotionally taxing, so make sure you're looking after your own well-being.

5. Your husband having depression as well as your diagnosis of BPD can make daily tasks seem like mountains to climb. Celebrate even the smallest achievements and progress as they come. It's these small steps that lead to recovery.

6. Reach out to friends, family, and support groups if needed. Don't be afraid to ask for help or a listening ear when you need it.

7. Understand that the road to recovery might not be linear. There will be ups and downs, but with time and perseverance, things can improve.

Remember, it's okay to ask for help and take breaks when needed. You're doing an incredible job supporting your husband, and I applaud your strength and resilience. You've got this, and together, you can overcome this challenge. 💪❤️

Please continue to reach out and please keep updated on how you are feeling. 

From @Melbcoffeesnob 

[WokeThisWay]

• Not qualified but have lived experience.

Often a refusal to communicate or any further steps in life is due to learned helplessness. In the sense that it could be this person have tried to communicate his/her/ frustrations before but have for whatever reasons felt that it was either not heard or misunderstood. Or it could be some underlying, deep seated issues such as shame, such as cultural background where, for example, where I am from mental health is often meant crazy like those poor representation you see in popular media where people smear feces on their faces and eat it for example.

[FloraRose]

UPDATE

we had a conversation about how I was feeling and it turned into a heated debate. He wasn’t having a word of it. Am I crazy for wanting him to do more with his life? I feel like I’m running low on options and I don’t want to give up on him and I never will however I feel like maybe I should let him do what he wants and just focus on myself. Sucks we can’t improve on ourselves together. I respect that he is currently content sleeping and gaming i just feel that as his wife it’s my job to make sure he succeeds. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly welcomed 

[hanami]

Hi @FloraRose 

I can imagine how frustrating this is for you. You must be feeling at your wit's end trying to work out how to best encourage and support him. Unfortunately, I really have no ideas for you. I haven't been in this situation. But I wanted to validate your feelings and imagine if I was in your situation I'd feel similarly. 

Warmest 

Hanami

[Shaz51]

@FloraRose , @Healandlove ❤️

sometimes it is hard to be encouraging at this time and I have bitten my tounge on many occasions and to knowing when to speak up and say somethig 

[tyme]

How are things going for you @FloraRose @WokeThisWay ?