Husband dealing with wife suffering PTSD !!! suggestions on how to cope please !!!!

[Songs58]

Hi Just joined this forum yesterday been a bit hestitant to post 😞 ..... I would like to say before I post  that I totally understand that there are many people going through what iam at the moment with their friend or wifes and partners , i  dont think for one moment its just me ......

My wife and I found each other about 4 and a half year ago and fell in love and got marriaged to years ago this month so known eachother 5 years this November 2020 .

My wife turned 60 years of age last Dec 2019 and ive just turned 65 years of age this Jan 2020 ...... when I met my wife i didnt know at the time she was suffering any symptoms that anyone else would go through after coming out of a previous marriage two years before me .

I realized that she was quite spoken and very well mananned and beautiful .... but after  knowing her for six months or so i started to realize there was more to her life and past issues that were effecting her quality of life .... I wante dto know more from her but soon found out she was not able to give me answers or communicate about her past at all without breaking down and crying ... she woul djust say I cant talk about it ... and that she was ok it was just her.

I knew it was more than that  i sugested that she go with me to see her local GP to talk about the way she feels ... she said to me straight out I wouldnt get in to get an appoitment ..... I said just wait I will ring now and of course I was able to get in within two hours time.

The negativity that has been enforced or that my wife had grown up with was intense and she would not want to do anything about anything she was faced with going through her life ......once we got to her doctor he said how are you and my wife just broke down crying saying shes not coping very well ........so then her asked me what i was concerned about and I told him what I thought without knowing to much detail ...... she did tell me eventually prior to doctors .... that she was dumped by her parents at age 5 at childrens refuge alomg with her siblings 3 others .

The doctor knew this as well cause she had mentioned to him a long time ago .... he advised her to seek a proffesional to discuss all of her past .... it was very overwhelming for me to know about her history and Ive been trying to understand while any human would  do that to anyone especially a child .

So for me living and dealing with my wifes illness has been very challenging and sad at the same to to see her not get enjoyment out of little things like just waking up in the morning and saying wow ..what a wonderful day outside it is and excited about what we are going to do today..... my wife doesnt feel any emotions joy or happiness from life from those things ...... but she does get enjoyment from her 3 daughters and her grandchildren which i love to see her smile and laughter and also a lady friend she met  just before I met my wife 4 years or so ago .

The last 2 years Ive realized through been councelled myself that I cant make my wife happy around me if she doesnt want to be 😞 what hurts me is the fact she can laugh and smile and enjoy  conversation with her daughters and her friend but not me !!!!! ........ this is becoming the norm now and i feel on the outer in our marriage and feel nothing Ive done or try to share and encourage her has made any difference to her outlook on life with me .

Iam not a jealous person i love her children and my wife and her friend I just dont get why there's no conversation quality time with me ..... its non existent .... when i try to engage my wife with a conversation .... I get stop nagging me !!!! dont talk to me !!! Iam with you 24 hours a day !!!!! and with a lot of Anger in her voice and have been told to get out of her life if I dont like the way she is !!!!!!! and also she said ive been like this all my life Iam not changing for you or anybody so go !!!!! .

Dispite doctors saying to her they understand what  shes been through and that nothing can change that ..... she sits and listens to them and comes away with no intention of doing whatever they may have suggested ......

So I just wanted to share this  hoping others might be or are having similar things that they may be going through that could maybe help me see any other avenues I could take to help me through this time iam suffering with Anxiety and high blood pressure and my doctor says I need to look after myself at this time ... but still would like to share my life with my wife if she willing too .

Look forward to recieving any positive advice anyone has regards..... Songs58

[outlander]

hi @Songs58 and welcome
well done on reaching out for supports. I don't have much experience in what your managing so I hope others may come along soon.
I do agree with your gp in that you also need to care for yourself too.
perhaps contacting carers Australia would be helpful?

@Former-Member @Smc @Determined @Sophie1 @Faith-and-Hope maybe you guys could offer some advice

[Sophie1]

Hi @Songs58  ... thx @outlander  for connecting me to this thread ... 

Song58 best advice I can give is to inform yourself about trauma and how it impacts a person and their loved ones... I read a great book by Bessel Van Der Kolk called 'The Body Keeps the Score - Mind, Brain and body in the transformation of Trauma'. 

this book changed my life - it was incredibly helpful to give me more insight into how trauma changes a person - I can't recommend this enough 

anyway my partner (female)  and yes I'm female .. anyway --- we've been together over 20 years and we are on our forties now .. my partner has an incredibly traumatic past that I know only scraps of information about - however enough to know that she will always be impacted by it .. becoming educated about trauma was the most useful move I ever made - please believe me it will help ... also you may want to try an organisation called The Blue Knot ... they are Australian and specialise in trauma survivors ... 

thinking of you and totally feel the pain you are experiencing trying to connect to your loved one - keep trying - My advice is not to  expect or push her to educate herself on trauma (I'm not an expert and just learning myself and don't know if it would be helpful to push her)  but you educating yourself is a great first step 

please stay connected - I am listening 

[Songs58]

Hi Sophie1

thank you so much for your reply and helpful info I will look for that book and also ths site you mentioned I really appreciate you taking the time out to reply to my post ... I will let you know how things progress in the next few weeks 🙂 regards Songs.

[Songs58]

Hi outlander

thank you for your concern and comment .... yes  its a very complicated situation at the moment my wife doesnt seem sto want to be happy and my doctor say  that I cant make her that way 😞 but I have honestly tryed everything it just going to come down to what she want in our relationship  to have me in her life to support her or fo rme to go and leave her to manage with her friend and daughters ...... thats the seriousness of the whole matter  ... thanks again regards Songs.

[Sophie1]

Hi @Songs58 

you are most welcome  I find it really hard to have conversations about my partner with family and friends who don't have the same dynamics to deal with and sharing on this forum and educating myself has truly helped make my journey not so frustrating or confusing ... also it's nice to feel normal 

all the best and I hope the book or at least parts of the book resonates for you - I read it on my kindle app on my phone 

anyway if you want to throw any more thoughts around - just tag me by putting the @ sign then wait for the drop down menu to appear and select my name or type So (the first two letters of Sophie1) and I should pop up in the menu to select - then I will see your tag in my notifications and know where to look to see your post 

[Songs58]

Thanks Sophie1 where do i put the @ sign to tag you please iam not really good at this thanks

[Former-Member]

Hi @Songs58  

To tag, just pop in the @ symbol and wait a second (do not press the space bar). Initially the names of the last five forum members who have contributed to the post will come up and you can make a selection. You will notice their name comes up in blue as yours has done.

As @Sophie1  says there is trauma in her partners past and sadly this is true for many of those with MI (my husband is in that club too).

I think somewhere along the line we realise that love alone will not "fix" our partners. There is however an element of when we as carers cope better reducing what is medically termed "expressed emotion"  our loved ones do better as well.  

Our partners often cannot see how things can get better. I found combining tenderness, empathy and humour helped me/us greatly. I needed the humour to halt my decline into negativity. 

Do you have any interests/pets etc? We have a number of social pages where we enjoy  chat with others who understand. Happy to tag you in these.

[Songs58]

@Sophie1 

[Songs58]

@Sophie1    Hi ye sthank you i hwould lik eto join with you on the social pages please and I hope i done the tagging right its all new to me thank you for your kindness and everyone else that has commented .