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Something’s not right

A past situation coming back to me

yournamehere202
New Contributor

A past situation coming back to me

Hello, (This will be long and I'm sorry. It is just how I need to explain everything) 

I am new here. You might be thinking why on earth am I coming to a forum to post what I am about to post? idk. I see it as a form of discussion and at times discussion helps. It also helps me see things from other perspectives as my brain and thinking patterns are very very hard to break!

I am going to tell you about a situation that happened many years ago during my sophomore year. 

I come from a very small school. We all know each other. And have all gone to the same schools for years together. Especially grades just below and above. Sometimes we mix grades to make up class numbers and to do electives. My biology class in 2016 was made up of students from the year below and then students in my grade. 

In 2016 my Biology class took a trip to the Zoo. We were all driven to the Zoo in seperate cars by parents. On the way there I was in a Car with my friend, she was in the passenger seat. I was in the back, sitting in the middle and then (Lets call her A) A was sitting to my left and her friend was sitting to my right (I for some reason cannot think who was sitting to my right but I am fairly certain it was A’s friend) 

Backstory for context. In 2009? I walked over to a table my Mum and her friend were sitting at for school pick up. My memory is blurry here but My Mom's friend’s child walked over to both parents and told them that A and this other boy (Lets call him Z) were talking about me that day. I never heard about this again and he never told my Mom after school again. So it must not of been anything ongoing? At least this is what I swear I heard and have always had in my head. So basically somewhere in my brain sits the idea that she does not like me and that I am a target for A. Z and I actually became the best of friends, especially in middle school. Like close close.But we had more opportunity too I guess as we were put in the same class. So how true and what that little boy heard is again all a bit of a mystery. 

Fast forward to 2014 and I am put in a class with A. Not one complaint! I had a great year! We talked, we sat with each other. We played on the computers ect. No issues at all!!

2015 we were in seperate classes, no issues.Sat near each other at lunchtime's some days an had a chat. My sister sat with her group of friends too. We had a laugh one time over something my sister brought up. But so did everyone else. I made a new instagram, we were friends on there. She liked my pics. Just regular social media everyday stuff. 

A and her friends were in a bit of drama towards the end of 2015 and start of 2016. Looking back I learnt it was harmless friendship drama. They were more so being silly than actually harmful. I saw so much of it I put out a post directed at them all to just get along ect. a bit cringe but I just saw heaps of It I guess. I saw someone else do one I think idk. A makes a clearly sarcastic comment on my post. This is fine, I mean what business do I have commented on something that doesn't concern me and especially when they actually weren't doing anything (They are all the best of friends now and were always really, even just after all of this) I send her a DM and tell her I am not talking about her and her friends. I lied because I didn’t want to start drama. She responded telling me it as okay and no one ever spoke about it again. She didn't do anything else, she continued interacting with me on instagram as normal. It was never spoken about in real life. 

6 months go by and I am checking an unfollow app on instagram. I ran a fan account at the time and used it for that. I then checked my personal and saw that she had unfollowed me. it was one of the first people I actually know to unfollow me. Plus I already feel she dislikes me due to the 2009 situation. This started everything for me. From that moment on I felt anxious. Every time I saw her, she said something ect. I would overthink and assume she meant to cause me harm and that she dislikes me. That I am a target for her. Whether that be I heard her laugh in my presence or she said something/didn’t say something, smiled at me/facial expressions. 

A few months go by and we are in the same elective Biology unit class. One class we get asked to pic partners from opposite grades. A looks around and I don’t have a partner yet and neither does she, She picks me. We had a great time being partners. I got no bad vibes And the fact that she wants to be seen with me in a group setting, is great. A couple weeks later I think, the teacher asks us for someone to volunteer to clean up. No one does. After a few seconds of silence I say I would do it. A is standing pretty much next to me and so is the teacher. I don’t know if it was responding to something the teacher said or what as she may of mentioned I was good for volunteering but once I said I would do it, A looks at me, smiles and goes “You are a special child” I smile and giggle. But I couldn't help but think she had intent to hurt my feelings with that comment or it came from a place of disliking me. I stopped to think about it and realised that everyone says that stuff, They are joking! it is what you say when someone offers to do something you do not want to do. Even I have said simiar to my friends in another class (Picture me patting them on the back, saying you are a good kid, and walking away smiling) see nothing to be worried about - If to was someone else I am sure she would of done the same thing. I mean I have. 

Also a side note, She is someone that is very straight to the point, Sarcastic and jokes about a lot. I know a couple people like this. I know if it was anyone else she would say the same thing. Some of my friends would too. Heck even I would. It's a sort of just automatic contributing to convo thing. She in particular is very outgoing and talkative. 

Now you are up to speed. Back to the situation in the first paragraph. On the way home I am in a new car. Still with my friend, We sit in the 2 seats in the very very back trunk of the car almost. A sits in front of me, another girl from A’s class next to her and then a boy from my grade in front of my friend far right. In front of him is a boy from A’s grad and then that Boys Mom is driving. We all know the Mom driving pretty much. As we start to drive away the driver says something to my friend and she must of gotten us confused (I do sort of look, and have been called her twin before by family and friends ect. She likes to bring it up too I think ) anyway, I hear from my friend, something along the lines of “yeah, people get us confused all the time, or people compare us all the time” something to that effect. I then hear A in front of me say “What a sad life” The girl next to A lets out that little laugh/Huff you do when someone says something out of nowhere, then smiles and looks in A’s direction. A looks her way too and smiles/laughs sort of at her reaction. Then that is that. immediately my stomach drops and I think about this the whole way home. I think she said that because my friend gets confused with me sometimes? And who would want to be confused for me, that sort of thing. A said and did nothing when me and my friend getting confused for each other actually happened and then after my friend told the Mum that sometimes people call us twins. A said nothing about that. I was confused by this. I feel like if she meant to be harm full then hearing someone get confused for me and then say we look like twins would definitely be a thing to laugh at or comment on.   Originally I did not think it had anything to do with looks, and honestly it might not. But I am overweight (less so back then and not very popular but again we all knew each other) so idk. She has never to my knowledge said anything about my looks or my weight ect. so maybe thats just in my head. I have never heard her say anything about anyones physical looks they can't change. No one has ever commented on my looks. God or even about me really for that matter.  One time about a girls brightly coloured hair but thats something that everyone has a personal opinion on. She never said her original hair was not good ect. and has never said anything bad about her since.  I get distracted by something in my family the next day and never thought about this again. But that night it really really took a toll on me. Fast forward to this year and something caused it to pop in to my brain again. I thought about it so much I was like stuff this lets just ask her, We had a really positive interaction via instagram DM. I started off by congratulating her on something I had seen her achieve via a post, we talked about an event we both attended ages ago and she mentioned it was fun, she hoped I was doing well ect. ect. I then explained the above situation in detail so she could remember it, I said what I thought she meant, then mentioned all my overthinking and how I always assume ect. I then straight up asked her, Did she mean anything by what she said. She told me that she did not mean anything by what she said at all! it also sounded like she didn't want me to worry about it anymore so made sure she really was expressive and putting forward that she didnt mean anything by it.

I can't describe it but a wave of complete calm hit me. We finished up, thanked her for chatting ect. peace in my head once again. Amazing! I leave insta and head on over to tik Tok for some light hearted videos. The first video that comes up goes something like “You felt like someone just gave you 20% but that was actually them giving you 100% and meaning it” it was one of them spiritual tik toks you get sometimes. I look up in utter disbelief at how scarily timed that was, my interaction with her was short and sweet. Maybe part of me was second guessing if it was too short or whatever but the overhauling calm I got speaking with her and the positive interaction when she could of just blocked me, ignored me, not wanted to talk about it really made me feel like she was being genuine and that was her giving her 100% and being truthful. So that made me giggle to myself. 

flashback again to 2016, the end of the year comes and no more issues. Start of 2017 we share a locker area with the year below and a classroom right next to each other. This means seeing A almost everyday. Again I am back to always questioning the laughs, looks when i’m near ect. Did I hear her say something about me ect. ect. I ended up ditching school heaps as I figured if I was not there then I could not second guess if she was talking/doing anything towards me. See, it's like I am aware that it's all in my head. It's not what she would do its what I would think she was doing. Rest of 2017 is okay.Around May I injure myself, I go to pick my sister up from a basketball training and A is there as they are on the same towns teams. My sister has already told the basketball teams about my injury (great!) they all rush over when they see me and talk about what happened, they seem in shock almost as it was quite a scary thing. No bad vibes though, super lovely of them to be concerned. This is including A. I walk back to where my sister is with A and the girls but mainly A. She is holding a Basketball and whilst waiting offers to teach me to shoot hoops ect. whilst we are waiting for my sister. Just as a bit of small talk I guess. I felt comfortable with this. 2018 comes and her friend group and mine sit with each other at lunchtimes now.We sort of did in 2017 briefly here and there I think. I still missed a couple lunchtimes here and there as I am always still that paranoid that something might happen that I second guess but for the most part literally no issues, l had fun and was comfortable with her sitting with us. I remember we caught each other in the bathroom and we had a great convo. We chatted for what seemed like ages. I felt really good. After the convo I went to class and of course started over thinking. A mentioned during our chat that I dont have much of school left as it was my final year. I overthought that she was saying this because she wanted me to leave/get out of the school and she can't wait for me to leave. I am sure she was just making conversation since we were literally at school!!!!!! see how ridiculous I am? still sat with us most days until I finished school. I finished school on a good note, with her too. I saw her once after School finished at the Mall. She stopped and said Hi to my friend whose birthday it was. She then made sure to say Hi to my sister and Me which I thought was good. We live in different towns now so never see her around now. If we did though I am sure it would be just fine. 

My sister thinks I am bat shite crazy for all of this. My sister used to hangout with A and tells me she has never said a bad thing about me. She apparently will often ask how I am, and even apologised to her when she mentioned something I assumed was about me to her. My friends too. I never asked for them to tell me this either but I was discussing the above with them and they mentioned that they have never heard A say anything about me and no rumours either. They also do not believe she was referencing me in the above car situation with my other friend either, and I told them I want them to be honest! 

Thankyou for reading. Yes, I know and I am aware that this may be excessive. Overall, I would like to know how I can stop thinking about this? I am so set in my ways RE my thinking that I just fear it's impossible at this point. I am always assuming and assuming wrong. Yes, I have been to therapy. But again I struggle to see things from different view points and found myself agreeing with what they were saying but not actually doing so. But the reality is, she has said she didnt mean anything by it at all. It's been settled. She really has never done anything negative towards me. She sat with us for goodness sake. it is time to move on. If I try therapy again is there anything specific that I should try? 

If it helps at all I have had OCD since I was like 8 too. I am also like this with other people and gosh even my family I get that weird pit in my tummy and dont know how to take things. Over text too!

Example: I WFH and it was someones work anniversary. They explained they did the clock ins and I apologised for making her work harder as I always forget to clock in (light hardly joking around)  My manager then replied and said it is actually her who deals with the time sheets, so me not clocking in on time affects her, not the work . My HR then chimed in and said she was just about to say that (what my manager said) They both replied with laughing emojis so it makes me think that in another chat they might talk about me or others in another group chat or it has been an issue that they know about secretly like behind our backs. And they are frustrated that we always clock in later or Sign off late. We are actually at work it's just we have to sign on via a website and we forget sometimes. See how insane and overactive my brain is 

1 REPLY 1

Re: A past situation coming back to me

Hello @yournamehere202 

Be compassionate with yourself. The past is for guidance and lessons. You matter and so does your story. “The greatest fear in the world is of the opinions of others. And the moment you are unafraid of the crowd you are no longer a sheep, you become a lion. A great roar arises in your heart, the roar of freedom.”
― Osho.

 

Also have you tried grounding before responding to things, especially texts. Try bring your awareness to the present moment. Activities such as 5,4,3... notice 5 things you can see around you, notice 4 things you can touch around you and notice 3 things you can hear around you. You can also do breathing exercises to bring your awareness back to the present moment. Here is some information on OCD...Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) (sane.org). Hope this is useful. Keep trying, you've got all you need inside of you. You matter.