Today has been interesting to say the least. I woke my Mum this morning, someone has to wake her at 10am each morning, that turned out to be a lengthy conversation, which to be honest I dont really remember. Dad and I have had a couple of lengthy conversations mainly about my sister. But both really only served to encourage the idea that they are imposters because I cant remember having such lengthy conversations with either.
I keep seeing 'cracks' that show another world. Its got me confused if this is the real world or the world I can see in the cracks. Its happening kinda infrequently so Im not too concerned but its I dunno, its strange, confusing, something when it happens.
When I found my sister Thursday night her dog jumped on the bed next to her like he was trying to look after her. We have had sufficent ambulances at our house (multiple for my Mum) I knew they needed all the dogs away, so I tried to get him to get down and come outside. Well, he was not having a bar of it so I had to pick him up and force him out the room. It sounds easy but he, along with 2 others are large golden retrievers, he is a much larger (belly) golden retriver, he would have to be over 50kg. As many know I have significant spinal issues but my sisters situation superseeded my back. While I got him outside with the other dogs, once the adrenilin wore of it was replaced by pain. The pain is sadly just getting worse. Sadder still, the amount of pain medication I am on normally, doctors, including the ER, are not keen to prescribe me more. That said, if I had had my surgery like I was supposed to I would be in far less pain.
Im kinda wonky today, I cant seem to get my bearings, I was quite late in taking my morningg medications which if I miss or am too late on make me feel out of sorts, so Im assuming thats the case. Moving my head slowly seems to minimise the wonkiness.
Neither Dad or Mum in our lengthy talks felt the need to ask about my wellbeing, how I was going with the whole, not a real world, they are impostors thing. Suprisingly, really suprisingly my Dad said to me this morning "You're not going to see her today" I said that "I wasnt sure but not planning on it." His response was "You miss understand, YOU'RE not going to see her today." He later reiterised that if she needed someone to come down, it would be him. Again, out of character and imposter. Not to mention, neither even look right. He has said he is going down tomorrow, so another day 'off'.
The events of Thursday night finding my sister unresponsive keep flashing before my eyes, its like a plague. The thought of I should have taken away her medications earlier, I didnt contemplate that she would do it so soon after getting home. I shouldnt have rang SANE and talked to them for so long about me and her. I mean part of it was how I can prevent her from doing anything again all the time she was doing it. I should have checked on her earlier and I might have been able to stop her or stop it before she really got stuck in. Instead I went in all mad because she hadnt handed over her medications already.
The one thing that has helped today is messaging on the SANE forum, its kept my mind fixed on reality. Kept on the things I do to support my MH issues. Oddly, these things help with most but not this non-real world/real world thing or imposters everywhere. But talking on the forum did hold that at bay for a while.
Im taking my medication but there is apart of me that worries that its poison, that might be that A) I started new meds and B) one taste beyond disgusting. Im still taking them partly because, well Im not real, not really so what does it matter.
Im staying out of hospital for now, I spoke to my MH coordinator yesterday and she said I would know when hospital was the right move, though I have my doubts but Ill believe her for an imposter. Im not a fan of going into hospital, I know Im not right but I know its not true, like Im having these thoughts etc but I know they are just that, thoughts and that they are false. Its a weird place to be in. Trying to work out when it time to go to hospital as opposed to using my own resources is a bit tricky. I am not having feelings of violence against myself nor the imposters. I mean, real or not, impostor or not I feel like the have a right to exist, a soul for a lack of a better word and Im against hurting anything like that.
I know I sound completely off my rocker, I know to an extent that I am but I also know that I am sane enough to recognise the insanity Im facing. Im hoping that some time off and my medication, along with my coping strategies will be enough to put me back on the right path without a hospital visit.
