Difficulty living

[Cherub23]

No matter what I do, what I take, I cannot seem to see a way out of my position. I feel like I am becoming someone I am not.  I feel angry, frustrated and sick of it. I am isolating and am finding it hard to see a way out. I don’t know what to do. 

[rav3n]

welcome to the forums @Cherub23 

coming here and reaching out is a big step, and it shows a lot of strength. no longer recognising yourself and finding it harder to hold onto hope can be scary, but i assure you, you're not alone. there's been times in my life too where my emotions felt so heavy, and i tried keeping it all in and not bother anyone with it... but that just led to more disconnection and pain. you deserve to be heard.

did you wanna share more about what's been happening for you? is there something making you feel angry/frustrated? we're here to listen 💙

[Cherub23]

I feel so emotional and angry because I want to live a normal life. I want to go out and see friends and be social, but my mental health issues make it so hard to do. This makes me spiral and feel awful about myself even though I can’t help it.

[rav3n]

@Cherub23 i absolutely hear you. i can relate to feeling that frustration too. 

when i was in high school, my social anxiety was much worse and the idea of me ever being able to interact well with others, have a 'social life' and thrive were hard for me to even imagine. i struggled so much with making and maintaining friendships, but then i spoke to a clinician about this and figured out the 'why'. ever since then, i've continued to work on reframing my thoughts and slowly trying new challenges... its been an up and down journey, and the person i was then is very different to who i am now. have you ever spoken to a professional about your thoughts/feelings? 

may i ask, what do you feel is 'stopping' you from connecting/socialising with friends? is it something we can work on?

[MarkDavis12]

You're not alone in feeling this way — many of us go through difficult times, and it's okay to reach out for support. Sharing your thoughts here is a strong first step. Please be kind to yourself and take things one moment at a time.

[Cherub23]

My feelings that I am not good enough have been stopping me connect with friends. I have spoken to professionals but I worry that there is something innately wrong with me. I feel like when I am making a friend, I quickly push them away because I am worried about letting them inside to my inner world in fear that they wont like me anymore.

[rav3n]

@Cherub23 i sooo relate to the 'something is wrong with me' feeling, it's hard to shake off. sounds like there's some fear around being abandoned/rejected and judged? it can be really hard opening up and trusting someone with parts of the real you... i know its something that i'm still working on. but also, you are so human for having those fears. you'd be surprised how many people just on the forums alone have felt the same way.

as scary as it is, sometimes we have to take that leap and trust the person we're opening up to... we can't know for sure if they'll stay or not, but if we don't try, then there's no chance of them staying at all. so taking that leap and opening up is a risk that we'll have to take if we want to make connections. 

you are good enough. you are worthy of friendships and connections. you deserve it. yes, maybe we've pushed people away when we've gotten scared but that doesn't mean we're not good enough, it just shows that we care a lot... maybe even too much! but that's something you can work on too.

do you have a particular friend you've pushed away that maybe you'd like to re-try reaching out to? you don't have to reveal your whole inner world to them in one go, you can slowly reveal parts of it over time.

(also a lil tip for posting: when you want to reply to people, you can tag them using @ and then typing their username so they can get notified of your response)

[Cherub23]

@rav3n 

i have had opportunities where I feel I am getting close to a friendship with someone but then I draw back and self-sabotage. this then leads me to feel awful about myself. It’s a negative loop. 

there are friends I have been getting closer to recently but I have drawn back because I worry that they won’t like me. A lot of the time I feel like I’m in the way and out of place - even if someone has made it clear they want me there with them. It’s a hard feeling to grapple with. 

I often feel I’d be better off alone but I longingly want to be with other people. Again, it’s a negative loop. 

you are right in that I should open up to people, it always feels like I have to hold up a facade of who I am rather than just let be and be myself. 

I will try to keep your advice in mind when opening up to people even if it is scary. 

[rav3n]

@Cherub23 yeah, the self-sabotaging almost kicks in like instincts hey? i used to always feel 'out of place' and almost like i was ruining the vibes by being there, even though my friends assured me that they want me there too. it took some time to reframe that thinking, so please do take your time too. if you're able to accept them for who they are, you deserve the same acceptance too.

the thing with self-sabotage is that we ruin something for ourselves before someone else hurts us... but what if they don't hurt us? what if they end up understanding you? i like to look at the positive 'what ifs' to try distract from the negative ones. i reckon if they walk away, that reflects on them more than you. 

you deserve to drop that mask you've been carrying around and be the real you! i'm always here if you wanna a chat or share any updates 💙

 
also thought i'd share one of my fav images around fear. 

[Cherub23]

Thank you so much, those words were exactly what I needed to hear. 

I often want to give up and revert back to old ways but you are totally right, if I drop my mask and they accept me, great! But if they don’t at least I gave it a shot. 

I will think of your picture when I am hesitant in the future 😌