Feeling...

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member

Thinking of you and hoping you can rest and recover some energy.

Have you been to your GP to see if there is an underlying reason for the fatigue ?  

I know stress and anxiety can cause it, but maybe there is something else going on that can be tweaked a bit ?

Sending gentle hugs your way 💜

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member I found 365 this afternoon.  So glad you started it ...

Maybe take a look over there as a bit of a distraction tonight ? 

@Former-Member has posted some beautiful photos from her garden.

You might find that restful too.

💜

[Former-Member]

Hi,

no i havent been to my gp... i am not sure he'd be able to help and i dont want him to see how low i am at the moment. i have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week and iim dreading it but also hoping somewhere that he'll have some way of helping at the moment. i dont know though.. they all say its just too much going on etc.

lj

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member, it seems like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, there is too much going on. On the other, you seem unable to avoid too much going on. I really feel for you in your current situation and hope that there is a break from it all at some point in the not too distant future for you. Meantime, I say again you are an amazon in pushing on through it. 

[Former-Member]

I have no idea what to do right now or this week or this month.. i dont know if i can make any decision because every decision has so many consequences. I feel so trapped by everything.. judged and under a constant microscope that magnifies every flaw or mistake i make or have ever made. 

school is overwhelming and im so behind in my paperwork/programming load and its already time to start writing reports. i love the kids and the time that i'm teaching but the incidents that go on are leaving me feelign more anxious and frightened than i've ever experienced at work.

Court stuff is coming up again quickly (another hearing to decide on what information is relevant etc for the fam court trial - the hearing will cost around $500 if i'm lucky but there'll be about $500 prep as well.. 

Son is needing some more assessments and support for his needs at school and home another $500 minimum + the $180 fortnightly bills for his regular appointments (thats what i pay after medicare rebate)

Lawyer is suggesting that i start the settlement proces with my ex to try and get sale of the home that is in both names but scared that will make him more angry but that could help with some costs of the upcoming trial which will be around $30 - $40 000 and i cant get a loan because there is a bad credit rating , plus i already have a loan and bills 😞

If i cut down to part time work i'll still be over the threshold for assistance from legal aid and wont get any parenting payments. and i wont be able to afford my sons appointments... or my own as i'm already over my 10 sessions.. 

if i just quit my job.. or take leave (if they'll allow me to again..) i might be eligible for legal aid but would probably need to go bankrupt because of my other bills... i've only just caught up on all of my bills that i couldnt pay last year. Plus i don want to go back to being alone all day every day... and now son is in school so not even have any kids at home. If i do quit my job i lose the hosue we live in as its part of my employment and i just cant move again, that is too overwhelming to even think about.

Children's lawyer is really watching my everymove to do with my mental health (i have to report to her every appointment that i have so she can 'check' that i attend (although as my psych and psychiatrist know.... i've never missed an appointment and always sought help myself inthe past) and now i feel like im being punished and treated like a criminal... having to check in and be monitored.. My psychologist and psychiatrist and in home support people are all very supportive and say im a capable and responsible mum.. no one (who has ever been involved in my life/care has ever thougt there was ANY problem with my parenting) but because my ex has brought up my mental health it now follows on to this.. the indepenent psychiatric report did give me more 'labels' than i had before but it also finished with saying that there wasnt any reason i shouldn't be able to care for my children despite what i've been through. So also worried now about saying anythign to my care team about anything because its all now being monitored. i have no where safe to just let someone know that it all hurts so much i dont know what to do or how to keep going through it all. that im exhausted and cant make a decision even about dinner tonight. 

I also have to see my ex each fortnight at pick up time for the first time and it was just terrifying last time (first time). i couldnt go in to the place.. i felt like i couldnt breathe and the thought of having to see him again next time is just awful. I dont know why its so frightening really.. people keep telling me he's not going to 'do' anything... which i know.. its not that.. i just get so overwhelmed and think of things that happened and just scared...

lfie is just so hard. i kind of thougt in the past that if i just worked hard enough.. did the ritght things.. that one day life wont be so bad... but it never gets any easier.. 

[Appleblossom]

Dear @Former-Member I have been wondering how you were, as you werent posting as much. I still think you have the right idea to work hard and do the right thing. Dont lose hope in that, even though it doesnt feel like things are improving quickly enough. 

it is so hard being a single mum and you are doing that and more.

You are dealing with huge stress and sometimes there is a kind of wisdom in our bodies as they find a unique way to mediate outside stress.  Be kind to you and pace yourself.  Life is marathon.

I have times when I can make decisions and times when I cant. I try and avoid making decisions when not in a good way, but as I look back on my life overall, I believe  As teachers we are taught to teach consequences ... but a million books are filled with those ideas ... there is no ONE correct way.. we cant predict the outcome of every large or small split-second decision.

My son laughs at me and I can finally laugh at myself about hoplessly overwhelmed I can be at times.  But he is not unkind about it and it releases situational tension.  It was very hard for me to laugh 15 years ago.  I reassure myself that it is modelling for him survival and recovery and falling over and bouncing up again .. eg life skills.

Tonight i echoed the line from the movie we just saw .."I'm a complete fuck-up"  I was just being light-hearted and joking around cos he wants to be the one who swears etc .. it was a spoofy action comedy meta movie. I know its not completely true ..

Making financial decisions, living decisions, deciding on levels of care .. all take energy and time to tease through.  Sometimes I am logical and make 'pro and cons' columns  .. but sometimes I just go by gut or instinct.  Either works a bit of the time. It is your life and your path.  Laying a solid foundation for your living arrangements is best.  You already know that .. I am just yakking. Sometimes I go round in circles sometimes I make U-turns .. sometimes I am direct.

Take care my son just came in and wants to talk

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom 

thankyou for replying.. i feel so alone more than anything else. i miss the idea of a mother.. not my own mother.. she wasnt really a mum. i miss the concept of a family that comes to you in a crisis to support you.. discuss things with you. though i guess not having it i probably romanticise the idea.

im exhausted.. pretty sure my body is mediating the stress outward by losing my hair and constantly being sick. doh.

the last topic night that i was part of was on anxiety and talked about how it disrupts our ability to make decisions. sometimes i wish i had someone to make the decisions for me again.. but i know somewhere deep down i don't really.. 

my decisions about stuff are also harder now because family court orders say i must keep remy in his current medical care stuff.. and that it is up to the medical care people how much he needs (even if i cant afford it..) and that i must also do the same with my care and appointments (again regardless of affordability)... it sucks that because one parent says something that is totally unsubstantiated (me being a bad parent) for the last 8 years that im now under so much scrutiny... and i think also shows the level of stigma that the courts hold for mi... that my MI is being seen as far more dangerous to my children than my ex partners criminal record of domestic violence...

lj

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member

It sounds like you are doing amazingly well, despite how you are feeling.

Things that immobilise us are fear, fatigue, depression. 

Things that mobilise us are hope, faith, inspiration.

I know it's not as simple as that in terms of what you are faced with in this moment, but I see that you are looking at the rough seas all around you and wondering how you will make it through.  I can relate very strongly to that feeling, and the way to make it through is to just keep swimming.

You have a cheer squad here on the forum.  You have a coach in your psych dr.  You can swim a bit slower and rest a little in the water, (I think your body is doing that a bit now, by zoning out a little), but just tread water for a while if you are too tired to swim.  

Lifeline and other support people are your coast guard.  You are not alone.

The thing is, sometimes we become overwhelmed by everything that is yet to be done.  If you can stop and consider what you have achieved so far,.. Bing a very visual person it helps me to put things into images ... imagine a tree ... imagine a blossom on that tree for everything you achieved yesterday ... any food you prepared, driving the car, going to work, teaching those kids who bring you joy (a big blossom for that one !), having a shower, finalising some paperwork whether for school or some personal stuff, drinking tea, making a phone call, etc.  

I bet your tree is looking something like this:

Just keep swimming @Former-Member.

Think of a tree full of blossoms, and keep adding them on, day after day.  

You are growing something, and it's special and beautiful.  Hold onto that, and just keep going, one task after another, slowly when you are tired, which seems like it's all the time at the moment, but this will pass, and you will have gentler swims along the way too.  

💗🌸💗🌸💗🌸💗🌸

[Mazarita]

Hi @Former-Member, just adding another voice of support. I love @Faith-and-Hope's post and have nothing anywhere near as helpful to say, but wanted to convey kind wishes and let you know that I too am thinking of you. Sending strength and admiring your bravery and achievements every day. Lots of blossoms on your tree that we can see while you are busy growing them. 

[eth]

Sending you strength @Former-Member.  Can your GP put you in contact with a social worker who might have some resources you can access re the financial side of both court and you and your son's medical needs?  All support from me too.  I love what @Faith-and-Hope said and the image she sent you.