@tyme there has been a lot to process lately. I’m searching for answers, but it’s super hard. At the very least I want to get back to what I was a while back. At least I was coping better until this all happened. I have gone backwards. Self harm is just a consequence of the strong emotions. I have gone for long periods without self harming or wanting to end my life, but it’s been more of a chronic battle lately. Obviously haven’t gotten to the point of acting on SI, I often find myself SHing to prevent myself from acting on the thoughts. Not an ideal solution. My brain convinces me I’m better off doing the less bad thing to prevent myself from doing worse. I get urges of needing to do something to resist. The main motivation is to help me resist and keep me alive.
Reducing strong emotions will ultimately reduce the urges of self harm. I get bouts of strong emotions, but this time it’s been harder to control. I used to be able to break the circuit, but this time, I don’t know where to start or what to do. I’ve trialed a new PRN, it just didn’t do what it was meant to. I’m in therapy, currently seeing my psych monthly (though not sure if that’ll become more frequent after the assessment). The thing that has been sticking with me for so long is body flashbacks, they won’t leave. In my agitated state I’m more easily irritated and perhaps I’ve been avoiding for a long time. I can’t disconnect from my body for the rest of my life. I spent today’s shower feeling super frustrated when I should have been relaxing. Flashbacks feel so out of control, I don’t feel in control over my body, that’s where the eating stuff comes in to keep me feeling more safe. Not an ideal solution, but I can’t feel safe and in control of my body. It’s happening every single day.
I’m utterly lost. I’ve looked at various options already. I don’t see a way out, I wish I did. I’ve already tried so much.
