I can’t cope

[Captain24]

No I can’t @AuntGlow. They were talking about their pain and I don’t know them and don’t want to intrude. I don’t want to make it about me. I just totally get the passive suicidal wishes. It was so me driving home from work today. Plus a lot of the other thoughts. 

[AuntGlow]

I know that they would welcome the connection, but no pressure, just a reminder @Captain24.

Go and have a look at the last thing I sent to them, it's for you too. 🫶

I wonder if those thoughts could be seen as information too? As in, insight that you may need more support, more connection, more compassion?

Oftentimes, when we have these thoughts, they aren't a sign that we don't want to live, but rather, a sign that some things need to change. What comes to your mind when I say this? 💛

[Captain24]

I read it. People don’t see much in me anyway. There isn’t much to see. 

It’s hard. Something needs to change and it did change for a little while. But I still actually had the same thoughts and wasn’t safe for a couple of nights. That was scary considering how on the go I was. @AuntGlow. But right now I don’t see what can change. I end up back in this space all the time.

TW: Discussion of self-harm

Content/trigger warning

I just almost SH’d for the first time in a long time, maybe 12 months. I hate myself that I had everything and was ready to go. I’m a failure for letting it get that far. I am safe now. 

I know you won’t see this but I just needed to say it. 

[AuntGlow]

I know I can't shift how you're feeling right now, but I do hope that our consistent presence shows that you are valued, as you are. @Captain24 🫶

Thank you for letting me know that you are safe, it's really important that you contact a crisis or helpline (like Lifeline) when you are feeling this way. I want to be able to support you further, but I need to make sure you're reaching out to the appropriate people - and I absolutely don't want you to go through this alone. 

Are Pix and Jett nearby for cuddles? 

PS: I have added a TW to your post, not because you have done anything wrong, but because I am just aware of our guidelines. 💛

[Captain24]

I did cuddle them and gave them a treat that they didn’t ask for @AuntGlow. They are both in the bed with me right now. I need them. I need to feel their love and comfort. 

I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning so I think it’s best just to go to sleep. It all just got really out of hand really fast. I think it all was a trigger even though it’s the way I feel. 

Im really sorry for being so difficult. I appreciate that you have responded though. I know you usually don’t have the time. 

[AuntGlow]

I am so glad you were able to keep them close for cuddles and grounding. Good on you for exploring what felt safe when things were overhwleming, I understand how tough that can be - but you did it!! @Captain24 

I completely get that. How has work been?

Not at all, always happy to be here for you. 

🫶

[rav3n]

hiya @Captain24!!!

how'd your weekend with your friend go? did you end up taking her to the waterhole? 

how are you holding up today? i did read a bit about how the SH urges have been strong, i'm so sorry that the thoughts have been overwhelming. i know you've got a lot on your plate and that you're doing the best you can to keep going. we care about you heaps 💙

[Captain24]

I needed them @AuntGlow. They are my safety blanket. 

Work was ok but I’m really sensitive. It really upset me today that the 2 guys don’t speak to me. I know they don’t and usually I am ok with that. But not today. It’s like children. Completely ignored me on the two way. Communication is important. 

I feel pretty emotional and really drained. It’s like I can’t really speak to anyone or to even check my messages or emails. I just don’t have the capacity to interact with anyone. I don’t want to have to pretend all is ok. I don’t have the energy to mask. 

Thank you for supporting me in this mess. It just feels like one thing after another. One good thing, I have 2 nightshifts to go and then I don’t go back to work until Boxing Day. 

How was your day?

[Captain24]

Hey @rav3n 

I think you have gone now.

My weekend was good, very draining and I struggled to be around someone for so long. It was really hard and overwhelming. 

We don’t make it to the waterhole. She slept until late so we didn’t have time. I feel really bad that we didn’t go and that I failed her. We didn’t get to the markets either. We were sitting around and chatting after having her out all day and I was just getting ready and it rained. We don’t go looking at Christmas lights as we had takeaway and I just couldn’t go out again. It was too much. I was exhausted mentally. I feel really bad that I failed the weekend. I should have been better and done it all. 

Im really sensitive and emotional today. I’m doing it a bit tough. Last night happened really quick. It kinda came from nowhere but I used my dogs to get me through it. It was quite scary how it all unfolded. I wasn’t prepared for it. 

There just seems to be so much and so many different emotions and moods. The last few weeks have been all over the place. It’s been a really rough ride and still going. I want to get back to semi normal. 

Thank you for checking in and caring. 

[AuntGlow]

And I am so happy they are @Captain24. Speaking of, please tell me you have little Christmas oufits for them! 🥹

That is genuinely frustrating and upsetting, I would feel vulnerable about that too. Everyone deserves communication and respect at work... it's the bare minimum! How would you like to handle this situation?

Feeling drained and emotional with all you have going on is perfectly valid. What would happen if you didn't mask?

yay! That will give you some welcome reprieve, I am sure. What is one thing you would like to do that is just for you throughout your time off?

Today has been busy! I took myself for brunch and did some pilates at home, then came here! I tried to do some cleaning, but I accidentally knocked coffee on my carpet and called it quits hahaha 

Other than all of the above, how are you feeling? When is your next therapy appointment?