I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I just feel I’m taking time away from others and I don’t think that is fair @Jynx. It’s that part of me that I hate that thinks of others. I wish it wasn’t there but it is and I can’t seem to change it as much as I wish too. 

I feel like I’m just too needy and I am. 

Im too scared to put myself out there. Im not a nice person and I’ll stuff up. I think it’s the whole social phobia thing. Plus I don't have any confidence on here. All I do is upset people and they complain about me. I don't feel like I can say how I’m going anymore and I don’t feel like I'm worthy of general conversation. Plus I don’t know how to have a conversation. No one wants to hear from me.

I’m not sure what I want. This withdrawal is getting really hard and I still have 10 weeks to go and it’s only going to get worse. That puts me back into the too needy category. 

Im so sorry. I’m so sorry for being me. It’s ok to despise me because I do so it’s understandable for others too. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 

I know how hard it is when we're stuck with these really hard thoughts, like "I'm too needy". I've felt that too and it's horrible. In those times your brain wants to latch on to anything that confirms this, and finds it hard to take in or believe anything that might contradict it. 

Because of this I know it might be hard to take it in right now, but I just want to gently but clearly repeat what @Jynx said earlier: You're not too needy, you're a human with needs, just like all the rest of us. 

Even you thinking of others on here demonstrates that you are a nice person, though I absolutely hear that social phobia and some of these beliefs that you've mentioned make it really hard to reach out on here. Is there anything that would make it feel even just a fraction more doable? You don't need to have an answer to that right away, maybe it's something we can think about for a bit.

[Captain24]

I just had my psych appointment and I was totally honest with her and I have scared her. @Ru-bee I must be needy as she has booked in an appointment on Thursday. She doesn’t work Thursdays. 

I don’t know what I can do to feel more comfortable on here. I have come a long way as I feel like I have trust in you and @rav3n now. That’s a big step. I feel more confident at posting at different times not just when @Jynx  and @tyme  are on. That’s what also makes me feel needy.

I don’t have a very good opinion of myself right now. I’ve just discovered that I’m disassociating a lot and for long periods of time. Like whole days. She thinks I was dissociated when I ran off the road while driving and hitting the guide post brought me back. 

She also thinks it could be med withdrawal and if it is I need to get back to the Pdoc and work out a different plan. 

I have to add to my safety plan and look at it at the very least once a day. I have to make grounding a priority each day so it becomes habit. 

I have to look up ‘dropping anchor’ on YouTube and do that before things get too bad. 

It was a huge appointment and now I’m drained. 

[Ru-bee]

That is a lot to take in @Captain24, it's completely reasonable that you'd be feeling drained!

 I'm glad that your psych is seeing your needs and taking them seriously. Sounds like she's given you a bit of homework with those grounding techniques and safety plan. How are you feeling about making those a part of your daily routine?

I do also want to acknowledge that that is a big step that you've taken on here. Hopefully we can support you to keep taking steps forward in the future, but for now it's good to just take a minute to celebrate the progress you have made!

[Captain24]

It scares me that that is all happening to me. @Ru-bee. I don’t remember a whole day of work. 

I know I need to do it and I will try. I’ve just updated my safety plan. It’s more about remembering to do it especially in the moment. I need prompting. I need to stop forgetting things. I need to remember to take time out of everything for some grounding and self care. Right now all I want to do is go back to bed. Being completely open and honest was so hard. 

The progress I have made is really huge to me. I know others are probably thinking that I’m just a needy, useless member. 

[Ru-bee]

Are you able to go and have a lay down @Captain24? 

Would it be helpful for us to ask you about how the grounding and self-care is going? Perhaps you could also set yourself a reminder in your phone, or try to find a certain point in your day which is your self-care time. I know for me I need to do my self care in the morning. If I push it back it just ain't getting done!

[Captain24]

I’ve climbed into bed @Ru-bee. It’s warmer here anyway.

Yes prompting would be appreciated. It’s more the grounding and checking the app and dropping the anchor especially in the hard times. But if I practice it it’ll make it easier when it’s desperate. I don’t want to take time away from anyone though. 

I like the idea of mornings as I can start the day that way. As the day wears on other things will happen and as you say it won’t get done. 

[Jynx]

Hiya @Captain24 just been catching up on your day, and your big appt!! Wowsers! 

I wanna just say, I am with @Ru-bee in that it is totally important to celebrate your progress so far!! Posting outside times when your 'safe' peeps are online, expanding your list of safe peeps, being more open with us, all of these things are amazing, and I hope you realise how proud we are of you! 

I also wanna really clarify with you that when I was prompting you to connect with the larger community last night, it was 100% about trying to ensure you had enough support, nothing more.

Like the vibe was supposed to be, 'Hey I don't want you to be alone in those moments that I can't be here for you, how can we still make sure you're feeling supported?' and not at all meant to be like 'Okay you need to just be completely over it all now and go chat to the community instead of me cos I'm done with you' which is how I think it landed?

Anyway, I hope you're having a nice nap? Oof it almost hit 0 celcius here last night and the chill is still in the air so... I am well jelly of you being in bed right now!!  

[Ru-bee]

Ooh I'm considering climbing into my bed @Captain24 I've got my oodie out and am pretty much living it at this point!

Yes, I always tell myself I'll do it later and then I get wrapped up in the day and it's just too easy to forget. Today I got up and did a lazy exercise routine in my PJs, did a short meditation, and then took my dog on a longer walk than usual and it does feel really good knowing that it's out of the way...now it's just whether I can do it all again tomorrow

[Bow]

Can I quietly add that it’ll be real nice to see you about the place a bit more @Captain24  you’ve got friends around who care. Totally understand why we all sometimes need to take a step back and just stick to our safe space, but when you’re ready, we’d love to see and talk to you. But only when your ready.