Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[FrustratedSon]

• My mother is in her early 70s and has anxiety about every little thing. She avoids dealing with issues regarding her aging and health and has a zillion reasons for not acting to address issues. She has started using this helpless little girl's tone of voice which makes it even more triggering to listen to. She sees every small thing as a potential source of danger and she ruminates on every decision, no matter how trivial it may be. She is so stubborn and won't listen to logic. I'm her only child (in my 40s) and she lives alone... im trying to convince her to move to retirement village so she has a community of people around and weve looked at so many and she says she wants to do it but then when we inspect them she is so negative and finds so many faults with every option. She says gets so anxious about looking at them and i observe her getting confused which one villa/apartment was which. I want her to talk to someone (counsellor or therapist) about moving to a village but she wont do it and I get so full of frustration I feel like I want to scream at her but I can't because that wouldn't help but it's building up in me and I am just feeling so depleted like my tank is empty. 

[tyme]

Arghhhhh @FrustratedSon ,

I'm hearing you!

Parents... mothers... fathers.... 

Yet reading your post, I can see how much you care. On the other hand, I also hear how anxious your mother is. Transitions are always hard - for anyone. It's a huge leap to jump from one place to another. 

As much as you want her to have a say in it, it sounds like it can be potentially overwhelming for her.

Do you have a inner voice telling you which is the ideal place for your mum to be? If so, I wonder if you can take her a few more times to that place and spend some time there with her? As with buying a house, no house is ever 100% perfect. Yes, there will be parts she probably doesn't like, but as you said, it's the community there that is important. 

Have a look at their weekly calendar of events to see if anything suits your mum. Feel free to talk to the people. For example, some retirement villages have swimming pools, some have large gardens... it all depends on your mother's interests and what you think will be most comfy. Also, location may be important to factor in if you want to be able to visit regularly.

As hard as it is, it may just be your decision and she will grow to like it? 

It sounds like she's not up to speaking to someone about her anxiety - is that correct?

I hear how draining this is for you. You know what's best for you and your mum. What I've written above may not apply to you at all - if that's the case, that's also okay.

The main thing is, at the moment, PLEASE take care of yourself.

Please know you are not alone.

[FrustratedSon]

That's helpful, thank you

[tyme]

In my life, I know a few people who have moved into retirement villages. 

It's a huge transition for both the family and the person. 

What's good for you is that your mother acknowledges that she actually DOES want to move into a retirement village. This is certainly a win.

A lot of elderly people really struggle to let go of their homes. they feel they lose their independence. Yet being around others can be very stimulating and healthy for them. @FrustratedSon 

Have you been to a retirement village that you feel, "This is it"?