My Mosaic

[Ru-bee]

Did you want to talk about what made the appointment not that good @Bow?

I've also been wondering how your meeting with your CM went yesterday?

I'm good, I've been having a few more meetings than usual this week which makes things feel a bit busier but it's also nice to get that variation sometimes 

[Bow]

@Ru-bee  My psychologist goes on maternity leave the beginning of September. I asked her last week what would be happening regarding my therapy and her replacement- she wasn’t sure. 

Today the topic came up again, mostly cause of my conversation with my CM yesterday. Today I asked about seeing a particular psych at the service cause I had had things to do with her in the past and I liked her. My psych basically said that there will be a break/gap/hold whatever the word was, on her position and it won’t be filled- she didn’t say for how long. I was also told that I couldn’t really ask to see a particular psych cause of how the teams work. The psych I would like to see is on a different team. And even if I could request it would mean a new referral and lots of meetings. She asked if I could see someone privately and I said no. Not in a position financially to do that. So I’m like pretty much guaranteed to not have a psychologist come September. Which is super super shitty and really not a good idea. 
She said there is case management, it’s different to psychology and therapy but it’s support. Yeah right. My CM can barely see me fortnightly and she turfed me out after 20mins yesterday cause she had to go. 
So basically I am screwed. 

That was 5 mins at the end of my appointment- we spent most of it putting together a safety plan- which I requested. maybe that would help her get just how dire things have been. But maybe not. 

My CM appointment yesterday, 20mins and then I had to go. I mentioned my psych leaving and told her I wanted to see a particular lady, she said that that lady doesn’t do individual therapy, which I know is a lie. I explained to her some of the thought process around my ED to help her understand a bit better. And told her I needed a physical safety plan.

do you like meetings? Apart from it giving you a bit of variety in your day? I remember most meetings use to give me a whole lot of anxiety. 

im waiting for a friend to stop by. 

[Ru-bee]

That is sounding like a very flawed system they have in place there @Bow not to have a replacement set up for those clients who can't go without support. Is there a chance that they will be able to assign someone else on the team to you? And if you were only assigned a CM would that just mean you're seeing 2 different CMs? 

This does sound very stressful and concerning with September not being too far away and not having clear supports set up.

At least you guys were able to focus on creating a safety plan, it sounds like that was really important for you to do together.

Hoping that your friend popping by can be a distraction for this and offer you a chance to have a bit of a break.

It depends on the meeting, there's always those occasional ones where you're not quite sure what you're doing there, but mostly I don't mind them. I don't tend to get to get too nervous either but part of that is actively trying not to think about it beforehand. A few weeks ago I was doing a bit of presenting in a meeting and felt fine about it because I was talking about the forums which is easy to talk about... it wasn't until after it was over that I realised the presentation had actually been a bit of a big deal and then I felt nervous haha but it all went okay

[Bow]

Would have thought that they would at least have a maternity leave position @Ru-bee but I’m not even sure they are going to do that. Which means there is going to be a whole heap of people that are going to be without that support in place. 

I think there is possible only one other psychologist on the team that I am on. He is a male. But I have spoken to him a fair bit and I can open up to him a little, just not sure how I’d go with trauma stuff. BUT he already has his own case load. it really just doesn’t make any sense why they aren’t replacing my psychologist. 

I think she was referring to me being able to get support from my current CM in place of psychology support. And while my CM is actually a clinical psychologist herself, she just does not have the capacity to see me more often. 

it makes me angry. That this is the position that I am going to be in. 

[Ru-bee]

Yeah, that really doesn't seem to make sense at all in terms of offering continuation of care @Bow

Please keep us updated with how this goes over the next month. 

It is completely valid to feel angry in this situation. Other than your CM is there anyone else you can raise your concerns to? Perhaps with the psychology practice?

[Bow]

My psychologist, pdoc and CM are all at comm mh @Ru-bee  so yeah I can raise my concerns but it probably won’t get me anywhere. I have a pdoc appointment next week and I will most definitely be raising it with him. But again probably won’t get me anywhere. 

by complaining and jumping up and down and making a noise about it, I’m not sure how much that is going to change the situation. If they have no intention of replacing her, the most it could do is put me on the wait list to see someone else, and how long is that list already and out of those already there and all the others that see my current psych, who is more needy?? Can guarantee you it won’t be me. 

My SW is on board. She has already expressed her concern about me not having a psychologist. She seen how much I struggled while my psych was on leave recently. 

and maybe I put my foot in it today. My psych asked why I don’t want to make an appointment to see my dietitian. I told her cause I didn’t want to waste her time cause I have no desire or capacity to want to put in place the things she suggests. 

and I’m pretty sure my psych took that as me being not ready for therapy/make changes/address things. 😩

And while yeah I can see how they can be related, they are different. If I can be addressing some of the underlying issues, the trauma, the body image stuff, then maybe I’ll have a better capacity to want to makes changes to my intake. Does that make sense to you??? Or is my thinking just stupid?

[Ru-bee]

No that does make sense to me @Bow 

Change - or at least sustainable change can't all happen at once. So just because you're not ready or able to change one aspect of your welbeing, doesn't mean you're not ready to work on another. Hopefully your psych can understand that nuance and know that doing some of this groundwork with your psych are steps towards hopefully being ready to address more things in the future.

How was seeing your friend this afternoon? 

[Bow]

Thanks for understanding @Ru-bee 

it’s always nice to see my friend. They travel a lot so I like to see them when they are home. But she does tend to talk a lot about herself and her kids. I don’t get much of a chance to get a word in. 

[Ru-bee]

Mmmm that can be hard @Bow Some people just really don't seem to notice when they monopolize the conversation. I tend to be the opposite and will sit and listen so sometimes I do attract those people who love to do most of the talking, although I do really appreciate those who have the awareness to stop and specifically ask how you are going and show that interest and care.

[Bow]

Yeah @Ru-bee  it frustrates me about my friend. We have been such good friends for so long, they are like my second family. But yeah, she doesn’t give me much space to talk. 

feeling really crummy tonight