My Mosaic

[Bow]

Thanks @Snowie @NatureLover 

I went to my appointment this afternoon. I had two things that I wanted to discuss…. ECT as an outpatient and what a planned admission would look like. I asked neither. I just shut down. She spent a lot of time looking over my medication and what options there were for sleep. In the end we kept everything as it was and see how I continue to go. I’m at least getting off to sleep a tiny bit better but I am waking up an awful lot still. I’m actually really exhausted today. 
My pdoc did say that she wasn’t completely sure what the plan was for, she think she is moving to inpatient care as they are short on pdocs there. She said she could be back in 3-4mths. She just wasn’t sure. She wants to see me again next week and she will introduce me to one of the senior registrars who will oversee my care from then on. 
I walked away really disappointed in myself that I wasnt able to talk about the things that I wanted to. I know the safest place for me is in hospital at the moment cause I really don’t feel safe,  I want it to be a planned, voluntary admission, try for just a short stay as a circuit breaker. I felt like if I had a plan in place for next week perhaps then I could get through the weekend. But I didn’t ask. I didn’t say anything. I’m just too stupid. 
I eventually sent my case manager a text. She called me just before 5 and we are going to put together a plan on Monday. I go in and see my psychologist then, so I guess I will see my CM after that. 
I’d really appreciate perhaps the extra check ins from my friends here over the weekend if that is at all possible? I do have community mh coming on Sunday, but again, I just never know who it will be and whether I feel comfortable with me. My psychologist did encourage on Monday to talk with whoever comes. They will obviously know some stuff about me. 

Thanks for reading of you got this far

[Captain24]

Hey @Bow 

Of course I will check in! I’ll be at work Saturday and Sunday nights though. 

I hope you are ok? I also hope that you can put even a little bit of trust in whoever comes to see you.

Your CM sounds great. I’ve emailed mine a few times today but she didn’t get my distress at all! She just said keep doing what I’m doing. 

Do you have something gentle planned for yourself tonight? 

[Snowie]

@Bow 

I can understand not saying anything hon. I often have a list when I go to see my psych or pdoc, and end up not asking any of it. I think that is completely normal. 

You are not stupid at all hon, we often end up not saying anything and then wish we had afterwards. You are certainly not alone in doing this with our supports.

Extra check in's sound like a really good idea, and something we can do here. It is hard when we have supports come to our house, but really hard to talk to them, especially if we haven't met them before.

Sitting with you hon and sending a bucket load of love and support your way 💗💗

[Bow]

Thank you @Captain24 @Snowie 

my daughter is home this weekend, so hopefully I can feel up to it and plan to do something with her tomorrow. 

We have just had dinner and are watching a movie. I’d really like to go to bed soon. I’m so tired. 

@Captain24 I’m not allowed to email my case manager, but I can text her. My case manager told me to keep doing what I am doing recently too… I didn’t find it at all helpful. 

No, im not really ok unfortunately

[Snowie]

Doing something with you daughter tomorrow sounds like a great idea @Bow I'm sure she will love just spending time with you.

I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight. I find it easier to cope with things when I am not so tired.

I'm glad you can text you CM. Unfortunately just a text doesn't always tell them how we are going. It is sometimes better if we can actually talk to them and then they can hear the distress in our voice.

[Captain24]

Im not able to text @Bow. It was her suggestion to email. I did try calling but someone else answered the phone and said she was on a break. They asked if I wanted her to call back in the number that showed up on the phone. I said no. But instantly I got a response to my email. I feel like she was screening my call. 

[creative_writer]

@Bow, sorry to hear it hasn't been helping. Sitting with you 💖🤗, you are precious. I do hope you can do something with D on the weekend. 

[NatureLover]

I'm sorry to hear you were distressed but just didn't come online, @Bow  😞

Regarding your pdoc, if you know you'll probably shut down during the appt, can you give her a written list of what you want to discuss? 

How are you feeling today? 

[Snowie]

@Bow sending lots of love and good vibes your way today.

Hoping you can do something nice with your daughter.

Sitting here with you 💌💌

[Captain24]

I hope that you and your D can enjoy the day @Bow.

Sending you lots of love and support!