Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[1983]

I am the father of a young adult living with complex mental health challenges. They moved home a while ago and rather than improving, things seem to be getting worse. Their self care has deteriorated to the point that you can't even walk into their room b/c of the mess all over the floor and their eating and moods are out of control. Not taking meds, doesn't seem to make any head way with therapy, not willing to accept boundaries or advice, becomes verbally aggressive if we try to introduce accountability alongside empathy. As loving parents and carers, we're completely worn out, despite efforts to rely on our own supports and engage in our own self care. It seems like this will never end.

[Gazelle]

I am going through the exact same issue with my son... He is  chronic cannibus user, he is 32,  and lives like a pig... No matter how much l repeat myself,  he simply doesn't absorb the information... When he stops smoking,  he has psychotic episodes,  and l have to call the CATT and therefore he ends up in the psychiatric ward at hospital,  he usually does what they tell him to do with medication for a year, then slips through the cracks in the system,  no more meds , and back to smoking dope... He is also a gamer , his life is , wake up at lunch time,  have a bong , and then game all day...  l am a single mum on a disability pension... I understand that you, as l do will do anything to look after a child... No one else will, and l refuse to let him be on the streets,  mentally ill and a drug addict.... But, something has to give

[tyme]

I'm hearing you both @1983 @Gazelle . It sounds so so hard. 

As though the more you help them, the more reliant they become - to the point that there's no accountability. 

I'm not in your positions at all, but does it help if you speak to them about the conditions of living under your roof? Start small and increase from there? I guess what most parents aim for is to help their children become independent adults (independent of you), esp as parents are only getting older.

@1983 , is your son happy with his current condition? Or does he wish things would change?

In the past, I worked with a single mother (widow). He son became out of control in that the slept all day, then woke in the night, did whatever he wanted etc. The mother ended up sending him to live with someone else for a month so as to get some normality back in his life. Each day, the son phoned home to say what a bad mother she was etc, but in the long run, it helped.

I'm wondering if you have prevention and recovery centres in your areas? Or, there are also complex care units where people live for a time to help them get back on track. I've been in both, and found them very helpful. There are staff on site 24/7.

[Miss-wish]

Hi @1983 and welcome to SANE, 

It sounds like you are in an extremely exhausting situation, all 3 kids I have living a home have complex needs. My 24yo has PDA ( Pathological Demand Avoidance), Agoraphobia, ASD, ADHD mixed, severe anxiety. Without knowing your son, what he is diagnosed with, it is hard to help. I know with my 24yo, one day they woke up and it was like things started to click, things they couldn't do a few days before, they could that day. But I have also found that things that they had done for years, had gone, regressed. 

Have you though of a psychologist for your son or for you to talk to about the situation? someone for you to vent to and give you knowledge, ideas of what could help your family.

Before my child was Diagnosed with PDA and Agoraphobia, waking them up of a morning was hard. I never knew what reaction I was going to get from them, some mornings they would set up in bed with a fist raised. This I learned later was because of their diagnoses and they didn't even know they were reacting this was, it was an automatic reaction, anxiety over leaving the house and their brain wouldn't let them. ( sorry I'm not sure if I'm explaining this properly)

In the end it was a psychologist that diagnosed and explained and worked with me to help them ( they refused to engage a lot of the time). Now I have a 24yo that can leave the house more often ( I'm mean and make them walk to the shop to buy their own smokes) but they can somewhat function now and started last year cleaning their own things. 

As for self-care there is an app called Goblin Tools. It can break down tasks to smaller more manageable steps. It is great for people with ASD, ADHD and more.  

Please know I'm sending virtual hugs, I know how hard this can be and you are doing a wonderful job. 

[Appleblossom]

@Gazelle 

I did child centred parenting and teaching and now think we, as a society, over corrected in giving minors too much power beyond their maturity levels. Its so tricky to get the balance right. Dont even think you are mean. Its smart parenting. Its a basic boundary for all substance abuse: dont help them get their fix. At least you are not colluding with behavior you believe is wrong... your son is getting out of his room. Learning to take responsibility for his vices. I was a smoker once. On the way to the shop he will see the sun the clouds and the rain. Maybe also random dogs and people and get a bit of exercise  win win mum. 

@tyme thoughtful post

Hey

 @1983 

@Miss-wish 

Its so hard with young males finding their mojo for life these days and hard on the families. 

How to get around the messy problem? I have been through similar. I try to keep my language richer with care than nagging. I will physically pick up and tidy ... a judicious bit..  and keep focussing on self respect being an inner driver. 

Not easy being a parent. Each family has their own style. Little steps and self care.

Apple

[tyme]

@Appleblossom @1983 @Gazelle 

So true @Appleblossom ... it's one step at a time.

How are things going for you at home @1983 @Gazelle ?